I am looking for an egg donor, or someone willing to carry a pregnancy for me.

Im putting it on here. I haven't felt up to talking to people in awhile.. I mainly stay off line and avoid talking to people. I am asking here if anyone out there would be willing to have a baby for me. My eggs are bad. They can not support life. What I am saying is I would need someone willing to have a baby of their own that they would be willing to let me adopt. This is a very hard thing to ask and an even harder thing to contemplate let alone do. If you know someone who is willing please let me know. I really want to be a mother. Thank you for thinking this over. This would require the use of your egg and your uterus most likely. I would need someone willing to have a baby for me. I am willing to have someone move in with me for the duration of the pregnancy so that we could take care of their every need so they would have no worries. We would also be willing to try to come up with some way to cover expenses though this would be harder on us. I want to be a mother so much. I want a baby. If you can help, or you know some one who can help please contact me. My email is everimprovingme@gmail.com

thank you, 

Johanna

Day 5 Clomid + the next 2 days (a TTC blog not wooly)

Day 5 on Clomid was pretty uneventful and it followed the pattern of the other days. Still felt bloated, and crampy but basically fine. If I thought I was moody on clomid I think going off clomid just may be worse. My moods are still all over the place. I think my body is really confused on what time of the month it is. The clomid is attempting to make me ovulate before I normally do I think. I think by day 5 my body was getting used to the hormones so the sudden stop of them just may have angered it. Either way I have been all pissy all day long. I really just feel mad for no real apparent reason. the joys of planned parenthood...

I also really need to vent for a minute. I know that people mean well but seriously if one more person tells me that I just have to relax and it will happen I just may explode. Everyone says it with a smile and they really mean well by it. They also usually have at least a few of their own kids. Its like I should be following in their footsteps.. but they had their kids at least 8 years ago and I think that if I had done that I would have had an easier time with it too. Do people really think that if you just relax that a magical path opens up that takes the sperm directly to the ovum in a sparkling bright shiny light? Also if they do in fact believe this do they also think that the princess and the prince really do live happily ever after with no disagreements or disgusting bodily functions?

I mean come on I think we all know the way the story really goes. They live happily ever after all the way through the honey moon if they are lucky. At this point Prince Charming realizes that Sleeping Beauty snores loudly and needs a poke to turn her on the side. Sleeping Beauty also starts to get tired of Prince Charming leaving his shoes in the middle of the floor so that she trips on them in the middle of the night. Im not saying these are reasons that will cause them to get their own castles but at some point in the story they have to realize chemistry only goes so far and they actually have to work on making it last.

So I am living my dream here with my husband but at times it does feel a bit like a nightmare. Thankfully he is still here working with me to slay the beasts of dr apointments and late orders while still working on keeping the romance alive. I think happily ever after is really when you cuddle up in bed at the end of the day and just fall asleep holding each other or waking up grumpy while your partner tells you how beautiful you look first thing in the morning. You may not appreciate it at that moment but later on in the day it will surely make him smile. Love to you all!

Day 3 & 4 on Clomid (only read if interested not a wooly post)

Still recording this stuff for people like me who are trying to conceive or for me if I want to remember how the pills effected me. This is a more graphic blog so may want to avoid it unless you are looking for information on the process.

Day 3 on Clomid was a bit harder than the first two. I was much moodier. I was (and still am) feeling much more bloated than usual. The scale says Im fine so Im not worried just making a note of it. I have kept a headache for the past few days but its not stopping me from hanging out and working. Did I mention I was moodier? Yesterday (day 3) I was crying again. I was very sad, mad and slightly depressed and hopeless feeling. Thankfully those moods passed over to a happier mood most of the day. I just seem more on the edge of my emotions. Funny things will make me laugh so hard tears will run out of my eyes and I cant breath. Sad things will make me just bawl. Its like that.

I am also noticing that I besides feeling bloated I am also more sensitive in my low stomach (im guessing where all my female organs are). I have been walking with Tom and that makes me feel better. All in all we are feeling pretty hopeful. Tom still really thinks we just need to "do it" more. He is pretty confident that we will get pregnant soon.

I think this is the first time in my life that I am openly discussing these sorts of things in a public way. It is odd how we change as we get older. 10 years ago I was concerned about how I looked in a skirt and would we have fun at the club tonight. These days I love my comfy clothes and im thinking thoughts like fertility cycles. I find myself researching the weirdest things too. For instance taking Clomid helps you to release more eggs to make you more fertile. Clomid can also make your cervical mucus dry out. You need that for the sperm to get to the egg to fertilize it right. So I find myself looking at what others have done to prevent this. So far the winners seem to be more water than usual, a baby asprin from day 8 or 9 through the day of ovulation to thin the fluids, also taking musinex is supposed to help (just make sure you take the one that does not have the decongestant as that will also dry you out.

I was even looking into alternative lubricants. Most lubricants out there actually slightly inhibit-to kill sperm. This is not the desired outcome so what are my alternatives? Well I have heard of using room temperature pasteurized egg whites. Am I considering this? Well at this point I am not counting it out. While i do not think we will try that this time around should we end up going through another round of clomid we probably will. These are the sorts of things on my mind right now. I want a baby more than anything. There comes a point where there is no "just relax and it will happen" I am more of the if you want something to happen you should work towards it.

So its only midafternoon on Day 4 but so far so good. Good luck out there to anyone TTC.

Day 2 on Clomid (only read if interested not a wooly post)

Warning: These posts are geared towards trying to have a baby and not the usual stuff to do with washing, or dyeing wool or yarn. I will still be making batts but these posts are going to be more about my attempts to make a baby (grin) so only read these if you feel like it. I will describe mood and physical effects for myself in the future.

I figured I would record how I feel and respond to Clomid so that I have something to reference it to later if I need to. Yesterday I was very moody. I cried for about 2 solid hours for pretty much no reason but after that my mood picked up. I was pretty crampy for the first half of the day after taking the pills but towards the end of the day I really felt no effect. I recorded my starting weight and daily I am weighing myself at the same time of day to watch for one of the major side effects. It shows if you gain like 10-20lbs in 2-3 days. So far nothing major for me there. When I went to bed I was tender on the left side but not so much that I was unable to sleep.

Today I was still moody but less. I actually felt pretty euphoric and I did wonder if that was a side effect too because I was more happy than usual. This evening I noticed that I am more watery eyed over small things than usual too. Still crampy and mostly on the left side again. Tender but not painful. Still hoping for good things.

Babies, & Marriage continued

I am not always the most rational person. I tend to be very emotional and moody. Tom is more logical and internal. He tends to keep most things bottled up inside. The past few weeks have really made us open up to each other more. After my odd ultimatum Tom started talking to me. He told me he wanted a real marriage with me. He told me he loved me and wanted me. He also told me how he has a hard time talking to me at times. He is just not used to discussing the issues I guess. We both have things we need to work on. I need to relax and not be so wound up all the time. I tend to take on the whole world and then not understand when he doesn't want to do the same thing. He tends to do what he is supposed to do and then just blank out online. When we lost the baby it actually hit Tom pretty hard. I had no idea. He turned to his "online persona" to deal with it. He was afraid of admitting that we had lost someone. He was afraid of what would happen to me if this keeps happening. He felt a bit lost and hopeless and didn't want to fall into it. I do not actually understand all the thoughts in his head but I do know that he did care. I think that we will be able to build a stronger marriage in the future because we both made mistakes, we saw there was a problem and we are working together to move forward.

We have been talking about what having a baby means to us both lately. I am feeling very emotional today because today I started the fertility drug Clomid. It makes you very emotional I guess. I have had crying spurts today and laughing so I am definitely moody. I am filled with hope, with sadness, with fear and thinking of all the things I want and all the things that are. I am glad that me and Tom are together on this. My faith was shaken for a bit and I am really happy to know that he is as dedicated to this as I am. It is good to know that I have a partner who is willing to work with me through the good and bad towards better. We have a good life that we are building here. My workspace is almost complete and then there will really be no issues to interfere with my work. Tom has a job he likes though nailing down the schedule is frustrating him. We have great friends and family.

We are going to have a baby whenever it happens. I know that with all the love and support in my life, our life that when it does happen it will be a good thing. Love to you all.

Lately all I see everywhere are babies & pregnant women

For months my husband and I have been trying to get pregnant. We did and then lost the baby in December. This has been on my mind a lot lately. Unfortunately several of my friends are also having their own losses. I know that this is all a part of life but it does not make it any less sad to me. When it happened to me I felt all alone. My husband did not seem to take it seriously at all at the time. To me I thought he just did not care and I was torn apart by it. It seemed like the more I tried to make him care or talk to me the less he wanted to. We started arguing a lot and I honestly thought he had no interest in having a child with me or in even being with me.

I decided to take matters into my own hands and I guess he was doing the same. He was trying to work through his feelings by talking to people he knew in the past online. I tried to talk to him about having a baby again and he would just not talk to me about it at all. I decided to buy fertility drugs. I am 32 with our 4th anniversary this month and my 33 birthday next month. I really felt time pressing in on me. I guess I was just pushing him more away and he was spending more time online having conversations with other women who I guess he felt were more sympathetic than me. When I found out I was very hurt that he was having these intimate conversations with women. He would not even talk to me about a baby but he was fine talking about sex and babies with others. I just did not understand it at all. He did not think there was an issue at all until I found out about it. I got so mad at first that I packed up his computer and was going to mail the cords to my momma. I threatened leaving him or making him just go. I cried a lot and he got upset too.

Finally I told him I really just needed to know what he wanted out of our relationship and what he felt was fine so that I knew what to expect for the rest of our relationship. I had come to the realization that I did love him and that I did not want to leave him. I wanted to have his baby but I was willing to move to more of a 2 people who live together and have sex and a child but basically have their own lives beyond that. I told him all of this. I was just tired of being hurt because I had expectations that he just did not have or believe in. I told him that in the way I saw it I could have sex with him but I would not longer be intimate with him. I would not share that with anyone. I would basically draw a line of what I would give to him and what I would keep separate. I was not willing to share intimacy with someone who felt it was ok to be intimate with other women. I also told him that I planned to start the fertility drugs this month as long as he was willing because what I really wanted out of our marriage was a baby. I pretty much broke it down to cold hard logic at least as I saw it.

His options from this point forward would be (as I saw them):
* Continue on as he had been online moving to more of a relationship of convenience with me for sex to have a baby, sharing financial burden, but no longer having an actual "relationship" with me
* He could pack up and leave doing what ever he wanted
* We could work on a relationship built on love, trust, and communication and he would no longer have intimate conversations with other women or avoid real issues with me by turning to others

Continued on next blog.