The state of my life lately - Part 2 - Potentially triggering

This post may be potentially triggering & to graphic for some. If you feel you might be triggered please do not read. More under the photo. Thank you.

 I woke up so ashamed and filled with guilt. I have been afraid to speak about it. I have decided I am through hiding.

I have been suffering, with depression, anxiety, and pain. I have felt the need to hide away from everyone and everything. The shame and guilt I feel are so deeply rooted. Even writing this blog makes my panic start. I feel the pain in my chest. My breathing is harder. My eyes are watering and I have started to shake. The panic I feel is not a passive or passing thing. It is very real. I am writing this because I know others feel this too. I want you to know you are not alone in your suffering.

I understand what it is like to feel panic so deeply that it hurts. Panic causes us to avoid people, places, situations.. anything that could trigger us. Still the panic comes. I don't know why it has to happen. I don't understand why I have to feel this way all the time. Most times when I interact with others, I put on the happy social Johanna. This Johanna is easy to talk to and does not make others feel uncomfortable. If I am the real Johanna people have no idea how to respond. It is hard to deal with a person who shakes and cries when she feels extreme anxiety and panic. People would rather hear everything is fine.

Everything is not fine though. It has not been fine in a very long time. I suffer from Chronic PTSD, Anxiety, Depression, and DID. Those are just my mental disabilities. Physically I suffer from Chronic Pain due to ongoing injuries sustained as a child through early adulthood. I also have Peripheral Neuralgia in my head, neck, arms, and legs. I have been labeled with Fibromyalgia. The pain I feel on a daily basis is severe and depressing. There are many times I don't want to live my life in pain. Between my anxiety, depression, did, and pain I have ended up in the hospital many times.

I have scars that I have no way to hide. I feel they brand me. Label me for anyone who looks at me. My scars shame me. I hate them. These are only the scars people see, the ones they don't see shame me even more. I feel deeply ashamed that I can not be "normal". I feel guilty that even though life is looking up I stay so very depressed. I pray for it all to end at times, not even knowing what I want to end. It is a horrible thing to wake up, at home or in the hospital and realize you have tried to take your own life. The thing that shames me most is the regret I feel when the attempts have failed. Sometimes waking up is so unbearable. The weight of my depression crushes me.

Continued in part 3.

The state of my life lately - Part 1

So life constantly stays in flux. I realize now that when I decided I would reopen my shop I was extremely idealistic. I was totally unprepared, thinking I could open with my shoestring budget.That is why the date of the opening keeps being pushed back. I have a lot of personal things happening in my life that have caused me stress and mental anguish. I am going through a painful divorce, to a man I had once believed I would spend my life with. I have been through the wringer these past 2 years. I am finally feeling both hopeful that it should be over completely by March and also deeply saddened by the loss not just of a husband, but of the life we planned. It has not been easy.

I wanted to reopen my fiber arts business for so many reasons. I wanted to make art again. I wanted to have the fiber community back. I wanted my life to restart in any way possible. I believed starting my business again would give me that fresh start. I have had so many unexpected (and unplanned for) issues that at times I have wondered was any of it even worth it.

I have come to realize the fiber arts business that was not the problem. The problem lies with me, my spirit, my will, and my drive. I had completely given up, more than once. I have grown so depressed that at times I could literally do nothing more than lie in bed, fearing if I got up I would do something I would regret. So I hid away, from the people in my life, and from myself. I actually ended up in the hospital several times. I woke up so ashamed and filled with guilt. I have been afraid to speak about it. I have decided I am through hiding.

Part 2 will have more graphic details and could potentially be triggering. If you feel you may be triggered please do not read Part 2. 

Sample knitters needed.

I plan on updating my Yarns list on Ravelry, Facebook EIM Page, and EIM Inspired Fibers website. I am also going to start posting blogs about each individual new yarn with pictures of samples. If anyone wants to volunteer to make a sample please feel free to raise your hand (or message me too lol) and let me know. It would be great if you could critique the yarn as well. I would like to know your thoughts on what you liked about it, not so much or outright disliked. I will need the samples back for photos to put on my blog and website.

In exchange for doing a sample, you will also receive a free yarn of your choice from my new list. Thank you to all volunteers in advance. You can message me here by adding a comment, or on any of my group pages. Thank you.
Johanna

The fascinating world of Fiber Arts - Business Relaunch EIM Inspired Fibers 08/30 by Lifes Lessons Extreme Content | Entrepreneur Podcasts

The fascinating world of Fiber Arts - Business Relaunch EIM Inspired Fibers 08/30 by Lifes Lessons Extreme Content | Entrepreneur Podcasts

Official Opening Pushed Back to Oct 1, 2015 - Info below

Hi everyone! I know everybody is getting excited about my Fiber Arts shop reopening. Life likes to throw a wrench here and there though. I have had a few time consuming stresses come up that I have to take care of. This takes precious time away from preparing for the Grand Reopening.

Newsletter Signup Here: EIM Inspired Fibers Newsletter

I plan on starting with a well stocked shop full of all sorts of fiber goodies! Opening a month later allows me time to continue to set up shop and make items for the shop. This really is a total rebranding. You are going to be pretty excited I imagine about what will be in stock. I won't tell you everything but I will give you some hints to whet your appetites.

• Hand Dyed Yarns & Combed Tops
• Creative Batts (some of my old favorites just might be there as well as some new)
• Themed Packages much like my SAL/KALs but not quite
• Monthly SAL/KAL - spaces will be limited every month. 
• Some new yarns I have been working on just for you! 
• Goodies that are sure to make you squee with joy

That is really all I can say right now. I will be updating my blog and Facebook page regularly. Right now my Ravelry Group is in full function. I have a chat section, a place to show off goodies, and more. Though I will be opening in October, I am already accepting custom requests. Please email me your requests. Get your request in now to have your items ready in shop when I open. Talk to you soon!

The dilemma of Hand Dyeing vs Water wasted and the need for a purification system.

Hello all. I find I have a major dilemma.

I love dyeing my fibers, fabrics, everything really. Color is who I am. I truly enjoy the process of turning a black slate into something colorful and full of imagination. I see art everywhere. It speaks to my soul. There is a dark side of dyeing though.

As a hand dyer I have to use a lot of water. I try to reuse as much as possible but without an adequate filtration and purification system a lot is wasted. My life philosophy is Ever Improving Me. I believe as a person I will continue to grow and improve always. I also believe I should do my part to improve the world I live in.

 I wanted to reach out to the fiber arts community and people in general. I want to see if anyone has come up with an answer to water purification. It must be on a scale large enough for a hand dyer. It also still must be able fit inside a home or small based business space.

I was researching ideas today and came across this DIY purifier. Has anyone out there made or bought a water purifier for dyeing purposes

• What prompted your decision to make or buy?
• If made, how did you make it?
• If bought, what type did you get?
• How effective do you find it to be?

Please get back to me with your thoughts and ideas. I will probably be exploring this subject much further so I look forward to hearing from you.

Its official Ever Improving Me, SAL/KAL themed New Begginings or Fresh Start

I would like to start my business by hosting a SAL/KAL with the theme of ”New Beginnings” or ”Fresh Start”. I am starting the dying this weekend. I would love to see some inspiration photos. I like the theme of starting over or new beginnings. I love this idea, which came from YarnMagic on Ravelry, of making some yarn and fiber combos to get started again. I think that would be a really fun start. I would love to see what interesting and creative creations that would be made by combining the yarn, and fiber together. I am thinking it could be spun up and knitting into something, used for weaving, or some random idea you are inspired to make!

The idea is wide open so please feel free to post anything your mind sees as fitting in this topic. I would love to see photos, songs, books, or discussion on the topic for the SAL/KAL. I will be posting photos of my dyeing this weekend too.