I thought I was doing so much better. I was starting to feel terrific. I was thinking about work, my fiber/yarn work that is. My life, happy things. Then yesterday I had a day that was very emotional. It turned into one of those crying all day and all night ones. Im not even sure why I was crying. I thought it was one reason but then I would start crying over something else. I woke up this morning with my eyes very swollen from all the crying.
Today though I was feeling more sort of blah.. Not good but not bad you know just sort of here. I think maybe I just really needed to cry and so yesterday my body said yep its time to turn that faucet on and I think we will just let it run for awhile. Today it decided to turn it off and turn on the body here but brain vacated. I have been forgetful all day. I was supposed to give my orders to my friend and she was going to take them to the post office today. I was in such a fog I just forgot. Not that she would have been able to take them anyway because of how flooded everything is around here (but thats a whole other story and its on all the weather I think). Today I went to the temp job did the work and came home. Been doing fibery things for the past few hours. Only now remembered to tell everyone in my group that I did not get the packages sent out. My head is just not here today. Tomorrow who knows?
I think I am just always going to be moody. Not the boohoohoo type. The happy/sad/mad/happy type. Its just how I have always been. I have been medicated for it before but I lose parts of myself creatively and personality wise and turn into a zombie. Also we decided to go off all meds when we decided to actively try to get pregnant. We went off of them in advance even to make sure they were well out of my system. So the moods are just here too stay. There are just not any instant cures. Feelings have to process and somethings hang around longer than others or come back a few times to stay a bit. Its all part of life.
Now on the Improving part of me I talked to RoLynn today of Enchanted Yarn and Fiber. I will be doing a Fiber Workshop in her store. She is going to put it in her newsletter. It will be from 10am -3pm on Jun 4th. We moved the date today due to the weather and to give us more time to prepare and promote it. I will probably do a blog just for it later this week with a link to her shop. I just wanted to mention it because it was a good part of today and its always nice to talk to RoLynn! She is a really sweet lady. I have really been looking forward to this class too so its pretty happy for me. So with that I will say goodnight on a happy note. Sweet dreams all!
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Panic at the Disco (or maybe the bee factory...)
Yesterday I had a huge panic attack at the temp job that I am working at. It happens to be at a bee business. I have been seeing queens and gotten somewhat used to them though they still make me nervous. I am very allergic to bees. I carry an epi-pen in my purse with me (actually 2 because 1 does not always work & sometimes a second pen is required). The queens are packaged in these little tiny boxes though with screen on one side open for ventilation and food and water. As long as I do not touch the screen the worker bees packaged with the queens can not sting me. I only touch the outside of the boxes. I go slowly and carefully. It still makes me nervous but its doable.
I was told that on Fridays & Saturdays when people come to pick up entire packages of bees (whole hives worth of the workers) that there are usually hitchhikers that come along on the outside of the trucks and that people can get entire hives of bees that way. I did not realize that they would fly inside the office. So on Friday my supervisor told me the packaged bees where set up in the front and asked if I wanted to see them. I told her no thank you. She said why not? I told her Im allergic and they scare me. She said what are you going to do when someone walks by with bees? I told her Im going to freak out and try to just sit here. I think she thought I was kidding. She just shook her head and walked off.
Everytime the back door opened more and more bees kept flying in. At first I did not actually notice them. Then I became aware of them. I tried to ignore them. I remembered that Tom said bees do not want to sting me & that the usually will not unless they are upset. Then I heard a couple of the ladies talking about how the bees were really upset today. That was pretty much it.
I started having trouble breathing. My eyes started tearing up, my nose kept wanting to run & of course my heart felt like it wanted to beat right out of my chest. I kept trying to calm down & hope they would just ignore me because it was almost lunch time. I just kept thinking I can't handle this & I gotta get out of here. I have a habit when I am upset that I put my hand over my head. I do not know why I just do it. That makes it difficult to type let me tell you. The bees started buzzing around my desk and darting towards me. I think thats when I started actually saying out loud that I had to get out of there and I jumped up so quick to avoid a bee heading for me that my chair slammed into the shelf behind me and made the wall divider rock. I also sort of darted out into the middle of the floor saying that I had to get out of there.
At this point people are asking if I am ok. I tell them No, Im not & that Im allergic to bees, I thought I could handle them but its not like it was the rest of the week and that I have to get out of here because I just cant handle it. I am rambling at this point and still trying to calm down. Some people are laughing at me sort of good naturedly I think trying to get me to calm down. It only upset me more but I went and sat back down because the bees buzzed back off for a min. I was trying to finish up my work so I could just leave. I had it in my head that if I just finished my job I could go. I think I talked to myself some more & stood up a few more times to avoid bees. I was shaking really bad.
A few people tried talking to me to calm me down & said things like you knew there would be bees here. I honestly just did not realize they would be in the office where i was. I am naive at times I think. The boss/owner came over and sort of gave me a shoulder hug and said it was ok. She said the bees were just really upset today because of the change in the barometer. She also told me I could take the rest of the day off and then on Monday we would talk about me only doing Mon-Thur. I was really relived to get out of there. I was also really embarrassed.
Even after I left I was still so upset I could not calm down and really stop from tearing up for a while. I did realize though I am no longer suicidal. An odd realization to have but a true one. Somewhere along the way I have worked my way back from depression and actually found a strong desire to stay alive. So much so that being confronted by so many things that could cause me death scared the hell out of me.
Another thing that I realize is I tend to tell the truth about things as I see it. I am constantly surprised when people do not believe me. I told them bees freak me out and they laughed it off. I also told them I could do this job easily and they did not really believe that either. Honestly though its a simple job. Anyone with the ability to read and follow simple instructions could do it. Not to mention I have experience with all of the programs they use so its even easier for me to pick up once I know exactly what they want from me. Today Im working on getting some stuff finished and out in the mail. Not as much as I had hoped because the weather was against me this week and the power would not hold with the storms. Its great weather now though so Im taking advantage. *hugs to all*
I was told that on Fridays & Saturdays when people come to pick up entire packages of bees (whole hives worth of the workers) that there are usually hitchhikers that come along on the outside of the trucks and that people can get entire hives of bees that way. I did not realize that they would fly inside the office. So on Friday my supervisor told me the packaged bees where set up in the front and asked if I wanted to see them. I told her no thank you. She said why not? I told her Im allergic and they scare me. She said what are you going to do when someone walks by with bees? I told her Im going to freak out and try to just sit here. I think she thought I was kidding. She just shook her head and walked off.
Everytime the back door opened more and more bees kept flying in. At first I did not actually notice them. Then I became aware of them. I tried to ignore them. I remembered that Tom said bees do not want to sting me & that the usually will not unless they are upset. Then I heard a couple of the ladies talking about how the bees were really upset today. That was pretty much it.
I started having trouble breathing. My eyes started tearing up, my nose kept wanting to run & of course my heart felt like it wanted to beat right out of my chest. I kept trying to calm down & hope they would just ignore me because it was almost lunch time. I just kept thinking I can't handle this & I gotta get out of here. I have a habit when I am upset that I put my hand over my head. I do not know why I just do it. That makes it difficult to type let me tell you. The bees started buzzing around my desk and darting towards me. I think thats when I started actually saying out loud that I had to get out of there and I jumped up so quick to avoid a bee heading for me that my chair slammed into the shelf behind me and made the wall divider rock. I also sort of darted out into the middle of the floor saying that I had to get out of there.
At this point people are asking if I am ok. I tell them No, Im not & that Im allergic to bees, I thought I could handle them but its not like it was the rest of the week and that I have to get out of here because I just cant handle it. I am rambling at this point and still trying to calm down. Some people are laughing at me sort of good naturedly I think trying to get me to calm down. It only upset me more but I went and sat back down because the bees buzzed back off for a min. I was trying to finish up my work so I could just leave. I had it in my head that if I just finished my job I could go. I think I talked to myself some more & stood up a few more times to avoid bees. I was shaking really bad.
A few people tried talking to me to calm me down & said things like you knew there would be bees here. I honestly just did not realize they would be in the office where i was. I am naive at times I think. The boss/owner came over and sort of gave me a shoulder hug and said it was ok. She said the bees were just really upset today because of the change in the barometer. She also told me I could take the rest of the day off and then on Monday we would talk about me only doing Mon-Thur. I was really relived to get out of there. I was also really embarrassed.
Even after I left I was still so upset I could not calm down and really stop from tearing up for a while. I did realize though I am no longer suicidal. An odd realization to have but a true one. Somewhere along the way I have worked my way back from depression and actually found a strong desire to stay alive. So much so that being confronted by so many things that could cause me death scared the hell out of me.
Another thing that I realize is I tend to tell the truth about things as I see it. I am constantly surprised when people do not believe me. I told them bees freak me out and they laughed it off. I also told them I could do this job easily and they did not really believe that either. Honestly though its a simple job. Anyone with the ability to read and follow simple instructions could do it. Not to mention I have experience with all of the programs they use so its even easier for me to pick up once I know exactly what they want from me. Today Im working on getting some stuff finished and out in the mail. Not as much as I had hoped because the weather was against me this week and the power would not hold with the storms. Its great weather now though so Im taking advantage. *hugs to all*
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
I'm working a temp job for a bit
This is to get me out of the house and help us catch up on some bills. So far its good that Im doing it because its been storming so bad the power keeps going off here so I could not do my fibery stuff anyway. I am feeling much better most days, others are still not so good but mostly better. It is really helping being out of the house if only because I do not have time to think so much. It is not a permanent job just a temporary thing that came up out where my husband worked and they thought of me. Once the storms pass I should have some new stuff up in the shop I just need the power to stay on. If any of you are out there in the storm areas you be careful and I will keep you in my thoughts. Don't cross roads that have water running over them (I know thats something that should be a given but sometimes we get impatient and give it a try anyway and then cars get swept away) and just be safe! *hugs*
Monday, April 18, 2011
Today I am feeling really good!
I have no idea why or how I just know that right now I feel pretty good. I have gotten some forum posts done on Ravelry. I have gotten a bit more organized in the garage. It may help that today I got a sweet post card, my comb & hackle set, and 7 different colors of angelina. It all makes me want to get back to working even more. Tomorrow I go to a different dr to get a B12 shot and that will also make me feel better. I have Pernicious anemia & Iron deficiency anemia so I tend to get tired if my levels get too low. With everything going on its gotten down there so its time to get the shots again. Life is beautiful today though. I sat outside in the grass for awhile with my friend and just looked at nature. I think its hard to be down when faced with that much green and that much beauty.
Friday, April 15, 2011
30% off sale on hand dyed yarn, roving and batts
I am trying to get out my older inventory so I have decided to have a sale for a bit. 30% off in my artfire shop on all hand dyed yarns, rovings and batts that are in stock. This does not apply to custom orders (I am not doing any of those until I come back in May) or to clubs. I also used Etsy sale I think its called to put all of my hand dyed yarns in my etsy shop though they are the same ones as my artfire. I was just trying it out a bit. Here are some photos of some of what is currently available.
There are more things available but only what is currently in the shop. I believe in May I will be feeling much better. My mood has been lifting lately I think from all of my very supportive friends online and in person, including my husband who is right in this with me. It turns out I still have to go back again next week for more blood work as we have still not hit 0 for the HCG level. I think im finally moving past this and focusing again on other things. Thank you all and have a great weekend.
There are more things available but only what is currently in the shop. I believe in May I will be feeling much better. My mood has been lifting lately I think from all of my very supportive friends online and in person, including my husband who is right in this with me. It turns out I still have to go back again next week for more blood work as we have still not hit 0 for the HCG level. I think im finally moving past this and focusing again on other things. Thank you all and have a great weekend.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
I will reopen shop on May 1st.
I reposted this from my Ravelry group because I wanted to share it. A personal update that also involves my shops.
Hi everyone! I wanted to say thank you all for the warm thoughts and wishes that I have gotten. I really wanted to let you all know that I have firm plans on being back in May. I know that is still a bit off but Im just not ready yet. I am really having a lot of depression with this right now and its hard to focus on anything important including orders. I have managed to do some basic things like cleaning and in general dyeing to try to get my self back to a good place. I am still finding it hard to actually talk with people online and in real life.
I know I have not really talked about it here but this miscarriage is harder on me than the last. The last time it happened so suddenly there was no time for anything but sadness. This time its harder because its a long drawn out process. I did not even know i was loosing the baby until my blood work showed that I was. The dr could diagnose it from that but she talked to me about letting nature complete its course by itself. She said it would be the easiest on my body. So this process is still going on. Every time I go to the dr the levels are dropped again. Last week it was down to 43. I am supposed to go back this week and it will probably be finally down to 0. I was supposed to go on monday but i have not been able to make myself go yet. Tomorrow I will go though and then maybe it will all be over to a point that I can let it go. Even though its easier on my body I think this was was much harder on my spirit and soul. Every time I get the tests I feel a bit like im dying. Everyone else seems to be fine and I get so mad about that. Im getting tired of crying and being mad but I do not know what to do to fix it. That is why I still need some time.
I felt you all needed a bit more explanation. I have to be honest that going through this is hard on every level of my being. I really need to work to feel better I think but I need to do it on stuff I feel less pressured for. I was thinking back about the past 6 months and they have been a bit crazy for me and for you all. I love my job but I get to thinking about everything and worrying if I can really do this. Most days the answer is yes I will pull through. Its just harder to come to the yes right now through the depression. I wanted you all to know how much your cards and packages have meant to me. I may not actually know you all in person but I feel very close to you. I really love you guys from the bottom of my heart and I am very lucky to know such wonderful people. So I will be back in May with all the stuff Im supposed to have and my head back in it. That is my plan at least. *hugs*
Hi everyone! I wanted to say thank you all for the warm thoughts and wishes that I have gotten. I really wanted to let you all know that I have firm plans on being back in May. I know that is still a bit off but Im just not ready yet. I am really having a lot of depression with this right now and its hard to focus on anything important including orders. I have managed to do some basic things like cleaning and in general dyeing to try to get my self back to a good place. I am still finding it hard to actually talk with people online and in real life.
I know I have not really talked about it here but this miscarriage is harder on me than the last. The last time it happened so suddenly there was no time for anything but sadness. This time its harder because its a long drawn out process. I did not even know i was loosing the baby until my blood work showed that I was. The dr could diagnose it from that but she talked to me about letting nature complete its course by itself. She said it would be the easiest on my body. So this process is still going on. Every time I go to the dr the levels are dropped again. Last week it was down to 43. I am supposed to go back this week and it will probably be finally down to 0. I was supposed to go on monday but i have not been able to make myself go yet. Tomorrow I will go though and then maybe it will all be over to a point that I can let it go. Even though its easier on my body I think this was was much harder on my spirit and soul. Every time I get the tests I feel a bit like im dying. Everyone else seems to be fine and I get so mad about that. Im getting tired of crying and being mad but I do not know what to do to fix it. That is why I still need some time.
I felt you all needed a bit more explanation. I have to be honest that going through this is hard on every level of my being. I really need to work to feel better I think but I need to do it on stuff I feel less pressured for. I was thinking back about the past 6 months and they have been a bit crazy for me and for you all. I love my job but I get to thinking about everything and worrying if I can really do this. Most days the answer is yes I will pull through. Its just harder to come to the yes right now through the depression. I wanted you all to know how much your cards and packages have meant to me. I may not actually know you all in person but I feel very close to you. I really love you guys from the bottom of my heart and I am very lucky to know such wonderful people. So I will be back in May with all the stuff Im supposed to have and my head back in it. That is my plan at least. *hugs*
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Today I dyed some silk to try to get back into the swing of things
My confidence has been really shaken lately. I am semi-closed for a bit but I am trying to come back to me. I have just not felt confident enough to dye anything specific or make anything for anyone in particular. I had a pound of waste silk that I got in my World of Wool order that I decided to do something with. I started out by just washing it. I figured that I could just clean it for later with out any real point to it. I actually looked up how to clean it because I wanted to make sure I followed someones directions.
It cleaned up nicely and then I was going to give it an acid rinse to bring the ph back to a more balanced place. While that was happening I decided to just pour in some dye. My reasoning is its waste silk so in the end I wont mess it up. I poured in some red, blue, green and fuchsia. I actually did that last night. I just left it to soak. This morning I spun the water out and then went through the silk and sat in the sun picking through it to open it up. There was a lot of area that just did not get dyed so lots more that I decided needed over dyed. It was really peaceful sitting in the sun opening up the silk.
Now it is sitting in 5 zipbags with a different color in each. I am doing green, red, fuchsia, aqua, and purple. I think the colors will mesh nicely and give me something to work with once I feel back up to making new batts. I appreciate everyone's well wishes and offers of help and friendship. I will not just roll over and give up. I think sometimes I get really depressed and forget that Im still alive so there is still more for me to do and accomplish. So for anyone out there wondering I am only taking a break for my peace of mind. I will be back open when I feel able to dye confidently and happily. *hugs to you all*
It cleaned up nicely and then I was going to give it an acid rinse to bring the ph back to a more balanced place. While that was happening I decided to just pour in some dye. My reasoning is its waste silk so in the end I wont mess it up. I poured in some red, blue, green and fuchsia. I actually did that last night. I just left it to soak. This morning I spun the water out and then went through the silk and sat in the sun picking through it to open it up. There was a lot of area that just did not get dyed so lots more that I decided needed over dyed. It was really peaceful sitting in the sun opening up the silk.
Now it is sitting in 5 zipbags with a different color in each. I am doing green, red, fuchsia, aqua, and purple. I think the colors will mesh nicely and give me something to work with once I feel back up to making new batts. I appreciate everyone's well wishes and offers of help and friendship. I will not just roll over and give up. I think sometimes I get really depressed and forget that Im still alive so there is still more for me to do and accomplish. So for anyone out there wondering I am only taking a break for my peace of mind. I will be back open when I feel able to dye confidently and happily. *hugs to you all*