Sticks & Stones.. but Words will always haunt me

Sometimes I feel like I am so different on the inside that over time bits of it just keep leaking out. No matter how hard I tried to fit in, I wasn’t able to fit in anywhere for very long. I was too “Me". We are all told to be ourselves but no one actually expects that "yourself” will be anything different than what everyone else is. We are groomed to be just like each other in our area. We are told to think alike, believe alike, act alike and look alike. When we are anything other than what is considered “Normal” in a certain area it it seen as something Wrong. This happens regardless of the reason, be it genetic, spiritual, finances or rebellion. Yes there are a lot more reasons why you could be “Not Normal”; I was just going with some of the basics here that effected me.

I was so very much not like any of the other people around me. I was terribly shy. We were very poor, in an already low economic region. I had trouble completing school work in first grade although I was very very smart. I was put into special ed. I was later moved into Gifted class. I made the unfortunate mistake of absolutely falling in love with color. I went to my first day of first grade with hot pink hair and a bright orange shirt. I thought it was terrific. I was the girl who colored out side of the lines. I asked Why and fully expected actual answers. I was extremely curious. I had a hard time talking to others ever really. I had things I needed to hide always. I was fiercely protective of my siblings. I hand a strong sense of right and wrong. When things did not fall into the “Right” category I spoke up and did something about it. I was a sickly girl, not really sick but not really well. My stomach hurt always. I had bladder issues that didn’t get fixed until I had surgery at about 10 or so. I had my first crush in preschool - didn’t get kissed until at some point in high school (once) & then not again until I graduated & that was on a blind date. I lived in a lot of fear constantly but I also had to be the strong one.

 Eventually I learned to put up an outside that showed nothing touching me. People could laugh, make fun, tease, worse.. and I did my best to not let anyone know how badly it really effected me. I learned to make costumes from hand me downs from my mom who was fantastic at sewing and making them. I wore them at random times. When I would wear a costume, I learned I could be anyone and do anything. I joined the drama clubs for that reason, plus wearing costumes was a lot of fun. I learned that alcohol dulls pain - both physical and mental. I learned to ignore the things I could not remember. I learned to fight harder. I did not stop struggling. I did not lay down and die. I kept finding ways into and out of trouble. I joined a rock & roll band to learn how to talk to guys; I already knew how to talk to the girls ;). I worked in the cafeteria to get food. I read tarot at school. I took advanced classes & I graduated a year ahead. I also missed a lot of time off school when I was a kid and then at 16 I was in the hospital for 6 weeks. It was actually the easiest part of teenage years. I changed a few laws in my time & made some (a lot) of people angry. 

I grew up in different small rural towns in the south. Some of them more rural than others. It was very obvious I did not fit it, at all. I have heard a steady stream of statements in my time. Some good and some bad. In it all I have tried to see the truth in it all without being crushed under the weight of depression. I have always tried to maintain hope while preparing for the worst. Here are some of them:

You are so weird. You are a goodie-two-shoes. You are so odd. You are strange, stay away from me. She is just a loner. She is a bitch. She is so smart she thinks She is better than everyone else.  She is antisocial.  She is an alcoholic. She is a liar. She is nothing but white trash. You are an idiot. You are nothing. You are no good for anyone. You are very wise. You are the kind of girl you try all the kinky things with but I wouldn't marry you. She is someone's wife. She is a hippie. She is so abusive. She is a lesbian. You are a whore. You are a druggie. She is a witch. She goes to raves all the time.  She was abused at home its no wonder she turned out like that. She has lost so much weight, shakes, and is being really defensive - She is definitely on drugs! She likes being alone. You are so stupid. She dresses so funny. She is so sweet. She is very nice. She deserves love. She deserves all the shit that she gets. She is a damn crybaby. She is spineless. She refuses to back down from a fight, is she insane? She is such a loudmouth. She is too Fat. She is too Skinny.  She is a nobody. She is going nowhere in life. She will never amount to anything. She will be a doctor someday. She is going to be another pregnant dropout you mark my words. She is crazy. You are crazy. You are special. You are ugly. You are beautiful. You are going to die tonight bitch. You are so sexy. You have no sense of humor. You are so funny. No one will ever love you because you are nothing. You will be loved all your life with that sweet personality of yours. You are such a slut. You are so creative. You are very talented.

The list could go on and on but I really can’t do any more. I have worked on this for days. Tonight I will just post it and let it be. This is why I try so hard though to always do the kind things when possible. Hugs all.

Happy birthday and let the people you love know about it!

Frustrations & irritations, plus my new cat toy

Ever get frustrated and take it out on someone you love or like? I think
it is something we all do. We have to start taking a step back and
learn to release those feelings in a healthier manner while fostering a
positive relationship with the other person/people. This could be a life
mate, a coworker, a mother, a brother, best friends or anyone you care
about.
If you have questions or comments please let me know either
at my Vlog in the comments or email me at
EverImprovingMeAdviceVlog@gmail.com

Bored

My thoughts on the noise and silence in my head

I need to take some time to actually write on this blog. I have all these words that tumble around in my brain almost nonstop.. that is until I sit down to actually write and then the silence suddenly is all I hear. It is not a peaceful, resting, quiet silence. No this is the heavy silence that lets you know there really is something there, you just can't hear it or see it right now. This silence is an eerie that leaves you feeling very unsettled. You will find yourself rubbing your arms briskly and wishing you had worn your sweater.

Of course once I close the laptop or put down my pen/pencil and paper my mind will be instantly filled with the noise once again. There are times I feel like the incessant noise in my mind will not let up and if I don't get what is there out it will drive me insane. Sometimes I wonder how I am not already there. It is so jumbled and there are so many many voices to the past that need sorted. There are ideas, pictures or music that pulse through me and fill me with raw emotion.  I want to be able to share what I see or hear in my mind but I don't know how. I have tried to explain to others some of the things but they make no sense to someone who can not see, hear, or feel it the way I am. I feel like the brilliance gets lost and becomes nothing. I become nothing.

 I know this happens to other people and I am not alone in this. There are so many people who want to bring to life what it is they see, feel, hear and struggle. There are those who want to just get the noise out of their heads, make it stop, make it go away. There are those who wonder what peace and quiet really feels like as I do. Every so often I am lucky and for a little while I will actually get to have something that make some sense not only to me but they have arranged themselves in such a way that I can coax them out of my head and into something that I can share with the world. Those times are both the best and the worst. I feel exalted that I was able to bring something to life. I feel terrified it will be so picked apart and critiqued that there will be nothing of the art or the dream left in it. I dread how the world will tear it down and try to make it into nothing, or into something that fits a predetermined mold only as if there is no room for anything or anyone different.

"Testing.. Testing.. oh look Tea!" or "Cats, Yoga Mats, & Computers don'...

Possible trigger warning - Feeling a bit sad, half smiles & just a bit o...

May you live in Interesting Times! Comic Con & Advice for Dr Apts

I don't think I shared this yet. I just did it last night. If you have questions, comments or concerns please post in the comments on the video or send me an email at EverImprovingMeAdviceVlog@gmail.com

Playing Dr with my Lappy

There really is a 1st time for everything!
Have questions, concerns or comments? Feel free to ask me at EverImprovingMeAdviceVlog@gmail.com
Also my Sidecar Code is JOHANNA47
-- gives you $15 off your 1st Sidecar ride!

Wait a minute, did she just say SEX!

Secret Makeup Removal Technique used by the Stars & Crayon Burning what ...

Relationships... yep.. ok lets talk

EverImprovingMe - Advice with a Slice of Life the Trailer or Teaser what...

Festival Fun, & Judgement in Society today

Here It is my very 1st Vlog Since March! Check it out and see what you think! In this video I am going to talk a bit about my restart and my fun at the festival. I know it has been months and I will talk about the reasons for that in another video so please be patient my friends. I also want to start a conversation about how we prejudge in this day and why we should start working past that. I would love to see what your thoughts are about this. Please post your comments or email me at everimprovingmeadvicevlog@gmail.com via YouTube Capture

Open Letter: Response to Political Parties Requesting Monetary Donations

Emails arrive daily letting me know how much America, the "generic" party, and even the president of the united states needs my help right now.  If I could only give X amount of $ it would turn the tide of the election, protest. How can I begin to describe what is wrong with this statement? This small bit of money is not going to turn the tide for anyone. The tide so to speak will never turn and in reality tomorrow you will only be back tomorrow or the next day asking for another donation. What good could it possibly be doing?

 Maybe instead of spending all your precious time and money campaigning you could actually do something of value to someone and donate your time or money to a worthy cause that addresses some of the problems that just are not getting fixed today. To say that one party cares more than another or is better than another is just plain silliness. We learned at an early age, and we still teach our children that it is not nice to name call, or to think you are better than anyone else. Why then is it ok in politics? I do not think it is.

I honestly do not believe most political groups make their political decisions based off of hatred or anger consciously. I say most because I am aware that there are hate groups alive and well all over the world today. I do not believe most of the politicians in Washington DC are subscribing to these hate groups however. To say "Things are not getting done because Party X doesn't care about XYZ in America today" is not true. All members of all parties care in Party X care just as much as the people in Party Z do. The problem is that everyone cares so much that they are not willing to let any of it go. People have too much pride and ego. Heads butt, lines, are drawn, negotiations dwindle, a bill gets voted down or maybe it just gets put off to the next session. For the lifetime politician its just another thing to stir the passions of their constitutions, something to, hopefully, get more voters to your side of the pole come election day. Politicians who only moments before were arguing can be seen shaking hands and then going off, usually, in a limo for their believed deserved rest.

In the meantime, the bill, all the bills, the ones that were supposed to be helping out the poor, homeless, middle class, those about to lose their homes, immigrants, the hungry, the desolate.. Americans.. countless PEOPLE, Individuals, they either do not get voted up again or changed so very much as to be no help at all and usually not even recognizable to the first bill. It is the people who suffer over and again for what politicians only postulate about. Again it is not that they do not care, more that they can not actually fathom how deeply their actions will effect people. For some people struggling with debt, these forgotten bills mean death. It is not, usually, the pretty type you see in movies either. It also means more kids can't pay attention in school because there is no money to feed them properly and they are always hungry. Or maybe it's because there are not enough teachers to teach?

I am very sorry, but you are mistaken. The government doesn't need my help as a $3 donation. The government needs a wake up call. Government needs to fix its priorities and start taking care of its people. I have lived more in my short life than most government officials will ever live. I mean real life, the kind that is hard, and you have really worked to get something or somewhere. The kind you don't always know if you will survive or make it. I had faith though. I started from nothing, and I became a person able to be proud of myself. In my mind, I am enormously rich. Not because of money but because I know where true value lies. It lies in those you love, in people, in doing good works, in volunteering and in leaving the world a better place than you found it. The government needs my help?

Well, here it is.. To create an immediate improvement, quickly and at every level of the government; we need to begin requiring all politicians to serve one weekend a month, as well as two weeks every year doing volunteer work. The work must be assigned so the jobs are distributed fairly, and for the greatest benefit. If the politicians are allowed to pick their own jobs, they will just pick something easy and learn nothing, defeating the purpose of the work. Politicians need to go complete their work in the poorest, neediest areas. They need to go into these areas and create effective change and help. They will not just give a speech and shake some hands calling it a day. They will make beds, hand out soup, maybe even cry as they realize how heartbreaking it is to have to turn a family away from a shelter because it is already full. For this task honestly it would be best to have the assignments come from outside the government. A neutral organization should be in charge. Furthermore, if a politician fails to do their volunteer time, severely penalize them by making them do an extra week the following month. Requiring mandatory hours from the politicians gives them a reason to care. Why are they caring suddenly? The reason is if a politicians fails to do volunteer work as set up by the neutral organization, they will lose the right to vote, next step they will lose the right to serve as a politician to people.

You have asked for my help, and I have given it to you. I do not think you will do it, but I can only offer advice I can not make anyone take it. That is the beauty of free will. Also no, I will not give any money to campaigning, ever, please stop asking. It is against my beliefs.

Sincerely,

Johanna Spalding