Sticks & Stones.. but Words will always haunt me

Sometimes I feel like I am so different on the inside that over time bits of it just keep leaking out. No matter how hard I tried to fit in, I wasn’t able to fit in anywhere for very long. I was too “Me". We are all told to be ourselves but no one actually expects that "yourself” will be anything different than what everyone else is. We are groomed to be just like each other in our area. We are told to think alike, believe alike, act alike and look alike. When we are anything other than what is considered “Normal” in a certain area it it seen as something Wrong. This happens regardless of the reason, be it genetic, spiritual, finances or rebellion. Yes there are a lot more reasons why you could be “Not Normal”; I was just going with some of the basics here that effected me.

I was so very much not like any of the other people around me. I was terribly shy. We were very poor, in an already low economic region. I had trouble completing school work in first grade although I was very very smart. I was put into special ed. I was later moved into Gifted class. I made the unfortunate mistake of absolutely falling in love with color. I went to my first day of first grade with hot pink hair and a bright orange shirt. I thought it was terrific. I was the girl who colored out side of the lines. I asked Why and fully expected actual answers. I was extremely curious. I had a hard time talking to others ever really. I had things I needed to hide always. I was fiercely protective of my siblings. I hand a strong sense of right and wrong. When things did not fall into the “Right” category I spoke up and did something about it. I was a sickly girl, not really sick but not really well. My stomach hurt always. I had bladder issues that didn’t get fixed until I had surgery at about 10 or so. I had my first crush in preschool - didn’t get kissed until at some point in high school (once) & then not again until I graduated & that was on a blind date. I lived in a lot of fear constantly but I also had to be the strong one.

 Eventually I learned to put up an outside that showed nothing touching me. People could laugh, make fun, tease, worse.. and I did my best to not let anyone know how badly it really effected me. I learned to make costumes from hand me downs from my mom who was fantastic at sewing and making them. I wore them at random times. When I would wear a costume, I learned I could be anyone and do anything. I joined the drama clubs for that reason, plus wearing costumes was a lot of fun. I learned that alcohol dulls pain - both physical and mental. I learned to ignore the things I could not remember. I learned to fight harder. I did not stop struggling. I did not lay down and die. I kept finding ways into and out of trouble. I joined a rock & roll band to learn how to talk to guys; I already knew how to talk to the girls ;). I worked in the cafeteria to get food. I read tarot at school. I took advanced classes & I graduated a year ahead. I also missed a lot of time off school when I was a kid and then at 16 I was in the hospital for 6 weeks. It was actually the easiest part of teenage years. I changed a few laws in my time & made some (a lot) of people angry. 

I grew up in different small rural towns in the south. Some of them more rural than others. It was very obvious I did not fit it, at all. I have heard a steady stream of statements in my time. Some good and some bad. In it all I have tried to see the truth in it all without being crushed under the weight of depression. I have always tried to maintain hope while preparing for the worst. Here are some of them:

You are so weird. You are a goodie-two-shoes. You are so odd. You are strange, stay away from me. She is just a loner. She is a bitch. She is so smart she thinks She is better than everyone else.  She is antisocial.  She is an alcoholic. She is a liar. She is nothing but white trash. You are an idiot. You are nothing. You are no good for anyone. You are very wise. You are the kind of girl you try all the kinky things with but I wouldn't marry you. She is someone's wife. She is a hippie. She is so abusive. She is a lesbian. You are a whore. You are a druggie. She is a witch. She goes to raves all the time.  She was abused at home its no wonder she turned out like that. She has lost so much weight, shakes, and is being really defensive - She is definitely on drugs! She likes being alone. You are so stupid. She dresses so funny. She is so sweet. She is very nice. She deserves love. She deserves all the shit that she gets. She is a damn crybaby. She is spineless. She refuses to back down from a fight, is she insane? She is such a loudmouth. She is too Fat. She is too Skinny.  She is a nobody. She is going nowhere in life. She will never amount to anything. She will be a doctor someday. She is going to be another pregnant dropout you mark my words. She is crazy. You are crazy. You are special. You are ugly. You are beautiful. You are going to die tonight bitch. You are so sexy. You have no sense of humor. You are so funny. No one will ever love you because you are nothing. You will be loved all your life with that sweet personality of yours. You are such a slut. You are so creative. You are very talented.

The list could go on and on but I really can’t do any more. I have worked on this for days. Tonight I will just post it and let it be. This is why I try so hard though to always do the kind things when possible. Hugs all.

My thoughts on the noise and silence in my head

I need to take some time to actually write on this blog. I have all these words that tumble around in my brain almost nonstop.. that is until I sit down to actually write and then the silence suddenly is all I hear. It is not a peaceful, resting, quiet silence. No this is the heavy silence that lets you know there really is something there, you just can't hear it or see it right now. This silence is an eerie that leaves you feeling very unsettled. You will find yourself rubbing your arms briskly and wishing you had worn your sweater.

Of course once I close the laptop or put down my pen/pencil and paper my mind will be instantly filled with the noise once again. There are times I feel like the incessant noise in my mind will not let up and if I don't get what is there out it will drive me insane. Sometimes I wonder how I am not already there. It is so jumbled and there are so many many voices to the past that need sorted. There are ideas, pictures or music that pulse through me and fill me with raw emotion.  I want to be able to share what I see or hear in my mind but I don't know how. I have tried to explain to others some of the things but they make no sense to someone who can not see, hear, or feel it the way I am. I feel like the brilliance gets lost and becomes nothing. I become nothing.

 I know this happens to other people and I am not alone in this. There are so many people who want to bring to life what it is they see, feel, hear and struggle. There are those who want to just get the noise out of their heads, make it stop, make it go away. There are those who wonder what peace and quiet really feels like as I do. Every so often I am lucky and for a little while I will actually get to have something that make some sense not only to me but they have arranged themselves in such a way that I can coax them out of my head and into something that I can share with the world. Those times are both the best and the worst. I feel exalted that I was able to bring something to life. I feel terrified it will be so picked apart and critiqued that there will be nothing of the art or the dream left in it. I dread how the world will tear it down and try to make it into nothing, or into something that fits a predetermined mold only as if there is no room for anything or anyone different.

Playing Dr with my Lappy

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My 2 Cats keep locking themselves into places and getting stuck!

Some of you may remember that I have 2 very adorable Cats! If not let me just give you a cute reminder because, well its Wednesday so I thought we needed a purely silly post about my cats and the trouble they like to get into. I will probably write about them on and off in my blog because lets face it, they have drilled their way into my heart. I can't help it. I just love them.

So we have to child proof our cabinets. Why you may ask? I bet you would be thinking for kids right? NOPE!! Its because of my cats. They have learned how to paw them open. Then they climb inside. I have no idea why they love being inside the cabinets so much but they do. Once they get inside they are stuck and they can't get out. It turns out they are only strong enough to get the cabinets open from the outside and not the inside.

We only know that they are even stuck because all of a sudden we start hearing a bang, bang, bang with meowing in the background. Then we have to go searching to figure out which cabinet they are in. We also have to make sure that when we find the cabinet that we let out one or both cats depending on how many are in there. Yes oh yes it turns out they will both get stuck in the same cabinet and still can't manage to get out of it.

This is also the reason we leave the bathroom doors open when not in use. The cats like to chase each other around the house randomly like crazy wild things and some how will end up in the bathroom with the door closed. Then we hear thumps with meows and we know where they are because we see the door shut. Its a good thing we take such good care of them. I do love my babies!