The state of my life lately - Part 1

So life constantly stays in flux. I realize now that when I decided I would reopen my shop I was extremely idealistic. I was totally unprepared, thinking I could open with my shoestring budget.That is why the date of the opening keeps being pushed back. I have a lot of personal things happening in my life that have caused me stress and mental anguish. I am going through a painful divorce, to a man I had once believed I would spend my life with. I have been through the wringer these past 2 years. I am finally feeling both hopeful that it should be over completely by March and also deeply saddened by the loss not just of a husband, but of the life we planned. It has not been easy.

I wanted to reopen my fiber arts business for so many reasons. I wanted to make art again. I wanted to have the fiber community back. I wanted my life to restart in any way possible. I believed starting my business again would give me that fresh start. I have had so many unexpected (and unplanned for) issues that at times I have wondered was any of it even worth it.

I have come to realize the fiber arts business that was not the problem. The problem lies with me, my spirit, my will, and my drive. I had completely given up, more than once. I have grown so depressed that at times I could literally do nothing more than lie in bed, fearing if I got up I would do something I would regret. So I hid away, from the people in my life, and from myself. I actually ended up in the hospital several times. I woke up so ashamed and filled with guilt. I have been afraid to speak about it. I have decided I am through hiding.

Part 2 will have more graphic details and could potentially be triggering. If you feel you may be triggered please do not read Part 2. 

Its official Ever Improving Me, SAL/KAL themed New Begginings or Fresh Start

I would like to start my business by hosting a SAL/KAL with the theme of ”New Beginnings” or ”Fresh Start”. I am starting the dying this weekend. I would love to see some inspiration photos. I like the theme of starting over or new beginnings. I love this idea, which came from YarnMagic on Ravelry, of making some yarn and fiber combos to get started again. I think that would be a really fun start. I would love to see what interesting and creative creations that would be made by combining the yarn, and fiber together. I am thinking it could be spun up and knitting into something, used for weaving, or some random idea you are inspired to make!

The idea is wide open so please feel free to post anything your mind sees as fitting in this topic. I would love to see photos, songs, books, or discussion on the topic for the SAL/KAL. I will be posting photos of my dyeing this weekend too.

I wish I didn't always care as deeply as I do for people and that I knew how to let go easier.

Of course it happened. It was bound to happen if I stayed. In someways it was easier than I thought it would be but in someways it is so much worse. Now of course all the usual thoughts that are always waiting at the ready to strike have started viciously attacking my mind and spirit. I hear how I will never be good enough, and how I am really too pathetic. I hear thoughts about my worth and lack there of. I hear words from conversations replaying in my mind as if the they record is somehow stuck and all it can do is repeat the same thing over and over. Why would anyone want someone as weak as I am? Someone who has spent her life on the edges never really living usually just surviving. I see the looks I am all to familiar with though not one I ever thought I would see from you.

It is the look that says, "I don't see you. How could I possibly see someone who does not exist?" Of course I am just as bad because when I saw that look all I did was look down at my lap and cease to exist because what else could I do. I wonder if there will ever be a time when I can be me and still be accepted and not tossed away to become a nothing once again. I wonder if I can just be me for me with out needing or wanting anything from anyone as I say at times. I wonder if I can truly feel the lack of caring I can sometimes effect in an act at times. I wonder if I pretend long enough if it will come true. I wonder if I will ever feel special and not worry about the intent of the one making me feel special. I hope that I can let go of all my negative associations and move forward. I hope that the next time I see you the memories of your touch are gone. I hope I can figure out this trick of people becoming non-existent nothings so emotions stop touching me also and I am able to walk by someone without a care, without a glance, without a tear. I hope I can learn to be ok and at peace someday.

I no longer want to behave in a passive aggressive manner. It is difficult to do when you are unable to work through things with someone. Instead I am working through it in my own head and in my blog. I won't ask for anyone's forgiveness because these are my words. I have a lot of things in my life that cause me to feel deep sadness and sorrow. I am trying to move past these things. I do not always know how. I am a very emotional person and that has been known to get me in trouble in the past, far and near. I do not always think things through and I wear my heart on my sleeve. It has taken a beating over the course of life. I still believe in love. I do not understand why I feel things so deeply. I do understand that others do not feel things the way I do. That is something that makes me both sad and happy for them. They will never feel the ultimate joys I have felt but they will also hopefully not have to experience the depth of my sorrows either. I think this is pretty much all I have for now. Until next time my loves.

Does the idea of a child being lost, hurt, scared & alone on the streets scare you?

For years I have wanted to help kids in distress. Gradually my focus started to find a focal point in the homeless, transient, and at risk youth, primarily LGBT youth but I am not excluding any kids here. I believe even one child out there alone, afraid, hungry, scared and hurt is too many. I know you agree with me. It is time to stop waiting for someone else to fix the problem and realize this is our problem, my problem and your problem. I know there are some groups, and organizations that already have some Safe House programs in place. My goal is to form a Web. This web  will reach out and link any Safe House program out there already around the world. This web will work to find new Safe Houses where there are none, helping to get more kids off the streets in every city. I know Have a Gay Day talked a bit about this. I believe we can expand on it.

If you know of a Safe House, a Safe House Organization, a safe local of any type please let me know at EverImprovingMeAdviceVlog@gmail.com. Eventually I hope to have some special Safe Houses set up that are working farms both in the country and in urban areas to help kids gain a bit of life skills as well as a sense of accomplishment and pride. That is a far end goal that would take a lot of funding, land, places, people, so right now I am focusing on what I can do. Together we can start this network. Right now I am working on the beginning stages, the framework. We need the foundation to help keep the kids safe and I need all the help I can get.

I need volunteers to help me pour over the internet to find all the networks already established and to check them to make sure they are legitimate. We can’t send kids into a place that is not verified and potentially worse than where they are coming from. We need legal advice to keep it above board. We need a board of directors. We need a mission statement. We need a website. We need a programer. We need funding: donations, grant writing, etc. We need volunteers for every step of the way, in every city. I need help forming this Non-Profit. I need to know where I go wrong and where I am right. I need to get this off the ground yesterday. So who’s in? I am personally asking Mr. George Takei, Pink, and Felicia Day for help with this project as well because all 3 are personal heroes of mine and I believe their voices would be heard much clearer than mine and carry further. Please help as the homeless epidemic in just this country is so vast it is going to take all of us caring and giving something. What can you spare?

Sticks & Stones.. but Words will always haunt me

Sometimes I feel like I am so different on the inside that over time bits of it just keep leaking out. No matter how hard I tried to fit in, I wasn’t able to fit in anywhere for very long. I was too “Me". We are all told to be ourselves but no one actually expects that "yourself” will be anything different than what everyone else is. We are groomed to be just like each other in our area. We are told to think alike, believe alike, act alike and look alike. When we are anything other than what is considered “Normal” in a certain area it it seen as something Wrong. This happens regardless of the reason, be it genetic, spiritual, finances or rebellion. Yes there are a lot more reasons why you could be “Not Normal”; I was just going with some of the basics here that effected me.

I was so very much not like any of the other people around me. I was terribly shy. We were very poor, in an already low economic region. I had trouble completing school work in first grade although I was very very smart. I was put into special ed. I was later moved into Gifted class. I made the unfortunate mistake of absolutely falling in love with color. I went to my first day of first grade with hot pink hair and a bright orange shirt. I thought it was terrific. I was the girl who colored out side of the lines. I asked Why and fully expected actual answers. I was extremely curious. I had a hard time talking to others ever really. I had things I needed to hide always. I was fiercely protective of my siblings. I hand a strong sense of right and wrong. When things did not fall into the “Right” category I spoke up and did something about it. I was a sickly girl, not really sick but not really well. My stomach hurt always. I had bladder issues that didn’t get fixed until I had surgery at about 10 or so. I had my first crush in preschool - didn’t get kissed until at some point in high school (once) & then not again until I graduated & that was on a blind date. I lived in a lot of fear constantly but I also had to be the strong one.

 Eventually I learned to put up an outside that showed nothing touching me. People could laugh, make fun, tease, worse.. and I did my best to not let anyone know how badly it really effected me. I learned to make costumes from hand me downs from my mom who was fantastic at sewing and making them. I wore them at random times. When I would wear a costume, I learned I could be anyone and do anything. I joined the drama clubs for that reason, plus wearing costumes was a lot of fun. I learned that alcohol dulls pain - both physical and mental. I learned to ignore the things I could not remember. I learned to fight harder. I did not stop struggling. I did not lay down and die. I kept finding ways into and out of trouble. I joined a rock & roll band to learn how to talk to guys; I already knew how to talk to the girls ;). I worked in the cafeteria to get food. I read tarot at school. I took advanced classes & I graduated a year ahead. I also missed a lot of time off school when I was a kid and then at 16 I was in the hospital for 6 weeks. It was actually the easiest part of teenage years. I changed a few laws in my time & made some (a lot) of people angry. 

I grew up in different small rural towns in the south. Some of them more rural than others. It was very obvious I did not fit it, at all. I have heard a steady stream of statements in my time. Some good and some bad. In it all I have tried to see the truth in it all without being crushed under the weight of depression. I have always tried to maintain hope while preparing for the worst. Here are some of them:

You are so weird. You are a goodie-two-shoes. You are so odd. You are strange, stay away from me. She is just a loner. She is a bitch. She is so smart she thinks She is better than everyone else.  She is antisocial.  She is an alcoholic. She is a liar. She is nothing but white trash. You are an idiot. You are nothing. You are no good for anyone. You are very wise. You are the kind of girl you try all the kinky things with but I wouldn't marry you. She is someone's wife. She is a hippie. She is so abusive. She is a lesbian. You are a whore. You are a druggie. She is a witch. She goes to raves all the time.  She was abused at home its no wonder she turned out like that. She has lost so much weight, shakes, and is being really defensive - She is definitely on drugs! She likes being alone. You are so stupid. She dresses so funny. She is so sweet. She is very nice. She deserves love. She deserves all the shit that she gets. She is a damn crybaby. She is spineless. She refuses to back down from a fight, is she insane? She is such a loudmouth. She is too Fat. She is too Skinny.  She is a nobody. She is going nowhere in life. She will never amount to anything. She will be a doctor someday. She is going to be another pregnant dropout you mark my words. She is crazy. You are crazy. You are special. You are ugly. You are beautiful. You are going to die tonight bitch. You are so sexy. You have no sense of humor. You are so funny. No one will ever love you because you are nothing. You will be loved all your life with that sweet personality of yours. You are such a slut. You are so creative. You are very talented.

The list could go on and on but I really can’t do any more. I have worked on this for days. Tonight I will just post it and let it be. This is why I try so hard though to always do the kind things when possible. Hugs all.

Open Letter: Response to Political Parties Requesting Monetary Donations

Emails arrive daily letting me know how much America, the "generic" party, and even the president of the united states needs my help right now.  If I could only give X amount of $ it would turn the tide of the election, protest. How can I begin to describe what is wrong with this statement? This small bit of money is not going to turn the tide for anyone. The tide so to speak will never turn and in reality tomorrow you will only be back tomorrow or the next day asking for another donation. What good could it possibly be doing?

 Maybe instead of spending all your precious time and money campaigning you could actually do something of value to someone and donate your time or money to a worthy cause that addresses some of the problems that just are not getting fixed today. To say that one party cares more than another or is better than another is just plain silliness. We learned at an early age, and we still teach our children that it is not nice to name call, or to think you are better than anyone else. Why then is it ok in politics? I do not think it is.

I honestly do not believe most political groups make their political decisions based off of hatred or anger consciously. I say most because I am aware that there are hate groups alive and well all over the world today. I do not believe most of the politicians in Washington DC are subscribing to these hate groups however. To say "Things are not getting done because Party X doesn't care about XYZ in America today" is not true. All members of all parties care in Party X care just as much as the people in Party Z do. The problem is that everyone cares so much that they are not willing to let any of it go. People have too much pride and ego. Heads butt, lines, are drawn, negotiations dwindle, a bill gets voted down or maybe it just gets put off to the next session. For the lifetime politician its just another thing to stir the passions of their constitutions, something to, hopefully, get more voters to your side of the pole come election day. Politicians who only moments before were arguing can be seen shaking hands and then going off, usually, in a limo for their believed deserved rest.

In the meantime, the bill, all the bills, the ones that were supposed to be helping out the poor, homeless, middle class, those about to lose their homes, immigrants, the hungry, the desolate.. Americans.. countless PEOPLE, Individuals, they either do not get voted up again or changed so very much as to be no help at all and usually not even recognizable to the first bill. It is the people who suffer over and again for what politicians only postulate about. Again it is not that they do not care, more that they can not actually fathom how deeply their actions will effect people. For some people struggling with debt, these forgotten bills mean death. It is not, usually, the pretty type you see in movies either. It also means more kids can't pay attention in school because there is no money to feed them properly and they are always hungry. Or maybe it's because there are not enough teachers to teach?

I am very sorry, but you are mistaken. The government doesn't need my help as a $3 donation. The government needs a wake up call. Government needs to fix its priorities and start taking care of its people. I have lived more in my short life than most government officials will ever live. I mean real life, the kind that is hard, and you have really worked to get something or somewhere. The kind you don't always know if you will survive or make it. I had faith though. I started from nothing, and I became a person able to be proud of myself. In my mind, I am enormously rich. Not because of money but because I know where true value lies. It lies in those you love, in people, in doing good works, in volunteering and in leaving the world a better place than you found it. The government needs my help?

Well, here it is.. To create an immediate improvement, quickly and at every level of the government; we need to begin requiring all politicians to serve one weekend a month, as well as two weeks every year doing volunteer work. The work must be assigned so the jobs are distributed fairly, and for the greatest benefit. If the politicians are allowed to pick their own jobs, they will just pick something easy and learn nothing, defeating the purpose of the work. Politicians need to go complete their work in the poorest, neediest areas. They need to go into these areas and create effective change and help. They will not just give a speech and shake some hands calling it a day. They will make beds, hand out soup, maybe even cry as they realize how heartbreaking it is to have to turn a family away from a shelter because it is already full. For this task honestly it would be best to have the assignments come from outside the government. A neutral organization should be in charge. Furthermore, if a politician fails to do their volunteer time, severely penalize them by making them do an extra week the following month. Requiring mandatory hours from the politicians gives them a reason to care. Why are they caring suddenly? The reason is if a politicians fails to do volunteer work as set up by the neutral organization, they will lose the right to vote, next step they will lose the right to serve as a politician to people.

You have asked for my help, and I have given it to you. I do not think you will do it, but I can only offer advice I can not make anyone take it. That is the beauty of free will. Also no, I will not give any money to campaigning, ever, please stop asking. It is against my beliefs.

Sincerely,

Johanna Spalding

Please Help me get to my baby brother's boot camp graduation.

I will be posting a video later today but here is the information so far. Here is the link to my actual wish if you would like to see it. Wish to see Cade Graduate Boot Camp If you can help in anyway through donation you can donate through the link or to my paypal. My paypal ID is everimprovingme@gmail.com. Please share this. I need all the help & support I can get.

Cade is the youngest of us kids on my moms side of the family. He is the baby. He was a lot younger than all of us and so he was the baby to all of us. He joined the United States Navy just like my husband. We are so proud of him. He left at the beginning of May & will graduate June 27th. My husband,  also active duty Navy, & I really would like nothing more than to be there to show our support & love for my brother on his achievement. We could really use your help getting there. He does not know it yet but our mom & his dad will not be able to be there. His dad is just too ill to make the trip & mom has to stay to take care of him. That is why it is even more important that we are there for him. I know he is going to feel horribly disappointed that they didn't come even though the reason is a good one. I don't want him to feel like his whole family let him down on his special day.

We are in San Diego, CA & the graduation is at Great Lakes, IL.  We are also extremely broke(as I honestly think most military E-4 & below are). I was injured last year in June & became unable to work. I had to go through rehabilitation & I'm only now able to return to work. That really took a toll on us financially & we have no savings at all. We have really been working just to dig ourselves out of debt. Being there means everything in the world to us. Please help us.

We have figured the cost of both driving & flying. This does not take into account if someone wants to use miles or vouchers for rooms or flights to help lower costs.I just need to be there. If you can think of a cheaper way, I am not choosy. Please help make this happen. We are so open to ideas and hoping that people will be able to come through for us in this and for Cade.

We have figured out the gas price for the trip using http://www.fueleconomy.gov with the gas price based at $4.15 a gal. I would also need 2 hotel stops each way, so 4 total, due to the injuries I have suffered. I really can not do more than 10 hours in a car at a time. Rooms I have seen from the $60s-$120 depending on where we stop. Gas & hotels would be $862-$1,102 round trip. Kayak shows airline tickets starting at $507 with all fees included for 1 ticket, 2 would be $1,014. I think less expensive tickets could be bid on through priceline also.  Thank you

LGBT Hotline & Website, Safe Sex website, You are Not Alone, You Are Loved!

Lately I have been thinking a lot about all the young & older LGBTQ out there who have no one to turn to. I know the confusion that can go through a young persons mind, or anyones mind. It can be very hard if the people around them do not understand. Sometimes you just need someone to talk to, someone who they know will understand and listen to them. Well here are some hotline numbers and websites to help.

The GLBT National Youth Talkline provides telephone and email peer-counseling, as well as factual information and local resources for cities and towns across the United States.

All of our services are free and confidential.

Our telephone volunteers are in their teens and early twenties, and we speak with teens and young adults up to age 25 about coming-out issues, relationship concerns, parent issues, school problems, HIV/AIDS anxiety and safer-sex information, and lots more!

We also maintain the largest resource database of its kind in the world, with approximately 15,000 listings.  Our database contains information on social and support groups, as well as gay-friendly religious organizations, sports leagues, student groups and more.

CONTACT INFO: 

Email: youth@GLBTNationalHelpCenter.org
Toll-free 1-800-246-PRIDE (1-800-246-7743)

HOURS: 
Monday thru Friday from 1pm to 9pm, pacific time
(Monday thru Friday from 4pm to midnight, eastern time)

Saturday from 9am to 2pm, pacific time
(Saturday from noon to 5pm, eastern time)

The Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender National Hotline provides telephone and email peer-counseling, as well as factual information and local resources for cities and towns across the United States.

All of our services are free and confidential.

We speak with callers of all ages about coming-out issues, relationship concerns, HIV/AIDS anxiety and safer-sex information, and lots more!

We also maintain the largest resource database of its kind in the world, with over 18,000 listings. Our database contains information on social and support groups, as well as gay-friendly religious organizations, sports leagues, student groups and more. We also have information on GLBT-friendly businesses including lawyers, doctors and various counseling professionals.

CONTACT INFO: 

Email:  glnh@GLBTNationalHelpCenter.org
Toll-free 1-888-THE-GLNH (1-888-843-4564)

HOURS:
Monday thru Friday from 1pm to 9pm, pacific time
(Monday thru Friday from 4pm to midnight, eastern time)

Saturday from 9am to 2pm, pacific time
(Saturday from noon to 5pm, eastern time)

Welcome to the GLBT National Help Center's Online Peer-Support Chat!

We offer free, confidential, one-on-one peer support for gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender and questioning people.

Please note that this is a volunteer-run service for focused one-on-one peer support. We unfortunately do not have the resources for casual chatting, and this is not a substitute for ongoing professional counseling.

All conversations are confidential. We do not keep transcripts or recordings of the chat conversations we have with you.

CHAT HOURS:

MONDAY THRU FRIDAY FROM 4PM TO MIDNIGHT, EASTERN TIME
(1PM TO 9PM, PACIFIC TIME)

AND

SATURDAY FROM NOON TO 5PM, EASTERN TIME
(9AM TO 2PM, PACIFIC TIME)

You may also call one of our toll-free hotlines and speak directly with a volunteer peer-counselor. The GLBT National Hotline's phone number is 1-888-843-4564 and the toll-free phone number for the GLBT National Youth Talkline is 1-800-246-PRIDE (1-800-246-7743).

You may also access all 15,000 of our local resources at www.GLBTnearMe.org. 

One last Resource would be the GLBT National Help Center Blog because there really is a lot of good information written there. This is directly from there blog "Here at the GLBT National Help Center, we focus our discussion around feelings, rather than actions.  If you have a technical question about the mechanics of sex, we are able to refer people to the San Francisco Sex Information Switchboard, a wonderful organization, independent of us." I think a link to safe sex information is good for everyone. 

 As always I am here for you as well if anyone ever needs to talk. *hugs and much Love to all*  

Over Half of my Fiber Stuff has been Sold, Some Fiber & Yarn still Available

I can't remember if I ever posted anything about this. I sold it maybe a month back. There was a very nice lady who had plans of teaching kids how to do from sheep to shawl the entire process of the ways of fiber. She lived about 2 hours away so was able to drive here to pick up what she wanted. She ended up getting most of my fiber processing equipment, dyes, chemicals, undyed top, angelina, firestar and random other fiber. I will be honest here and say I believe that it went to a good home but I cried after she left. It was honestly like losing a piece of myself.

I have since then sold off a few more pieces of spare equipment that I had. I still have a few more pieces of small or bulky things. I have fiber and yarn as well that still has to go. It has been hard to get it all organized and photoed and weighed due to my personal life interfering (doesn't it always lol that darn personal life!) but I have gotten some of it. I have some raw fiber, some washed fiber, some batts, some hand dyed yarn, some undyed yarn, some commercial yarn, some commercial dyed top, some hand dyed top, some odds and ends, a warp board.. really gotta go through my list of what I sold versus what I still have. I have been mostly listing what I have in various Facebook groups but I think I really need to do a huge post here or something too.

so this is me slowly learning to let go of my business and selling it off piece by piece. My thoughts are honestly that anything left by mid Dec will probably just get donated but I have not totally solidified that idea yet because my husband is the only one working in the house and we are now a family of 3. I think I forgot to add that my cousin Jay has come to stay with us so its a bit money tight in our home right about now.

The time is now! We have to do something about the suffering happening right here in our home!

I mean we as a people have some serious work to do in this country. Every day there are kids, the elderly, single mothers/fathers, lower class families, middle-class families, college students, drop-outs, minimum wage workers.. the list goes on and on.  They are all colors, sexes, religions, abilities, sexual preferences, politics, eating habits... differences as far as the eye can see but they are all suffering. Some are hungry; some are depressed, some are in jail, some are dying, some are being murdered, some are being hit, some are having such horrid tortures happening to them. There are so many ways that people are suffering it is easy to turn a blind eye to it.

It is time that we stop ignoring the things that make us uncomfortable. It is time to start healing by stopping this suffering as we can. Start volunteering. Start helping the kids in your neighborhood. Start helping that single mom/dad who works 2-3 jobs to try to keep food on the table and a roof over her/his kids' head. Stop the loudmouths who think it's ok to use words of hate as jokes or insults. Give a homeless man huddled against the wall a bottle of water and something to eat. It is easy to think well someone else can do it, but that is a cowardly way out. Maybe you think, I have nothing I can do. I have no time, money, skills, etc.. That is simply not true. The need for volunteers is growing every day.


I know you are afraid, and that is ok. Fear is natural, and I am telling you a big scary thing. I am not asking you to fix it all. I am just asking you to do what you can. Very small steps can accomplish wonders. Maybe take a look at yourself and be realistic. If you find that you have 1 hour a month that you could volunteer, and you realize, it is flexible as to when you use an hour. That right there is something amazing. You could spend that hour at school, nursing home, hospital, homeless shelter, animal shelter, donation location, going through your closet for anything that no longer fits, online finding a volunteer group that can use your hour.


Trust me You Can Do This! I believe in YOU! It is time to believe in yourself! Whatever you do, Just Do Something. The time is now. This place is your home. This is your town. This planet is your world.

Letting go of a dream can be so hard and so sad, this is why it is so hard to list my business inventory for sale

Today I finally started to take photos of my business stuff that I am selling. It was making me so sad though. I know its the right decision for me to make.  Yet still I found myself 2nd guessing the decision as if somehow I had miraculously been cured of my pain and injuries that had resulted in me making the choice in the 1st place. Even so I got pictures of most of my equipment. I still have to sort through the fibers, yarn, dyes, and things like that. I think my scale broke in the move so I really have no way to weigh everything out right now. It seems a bit pointless to go and buy a new scale just to get rid of it. If anyone out there has gone through this I would love to hear how you coped with the loss of your business even when it was  the right choice for you and your family.

I am thinking that I would really just like to sell it all in bundles at the very least. I don't want to fiddle with a whole lot of shipping or the things themselves anymore than necessary. I had to take deep breaths several times today to keep from crying. I loved my business. I loved making batts. I loved dyeing the yarns and fibers. I loved the colors and the zone I would get into when I was creating. I am afraid nothing will ever be able to replace the feeling that I used to get when creating my batts, tops, and yarns. I even loved coming up with the names and the descriptions. I loved it all. I enjoyed the festivals. I enjoyed meeting the people and making friends. Its like its all been lost now and I will have nothing to even keep as a reminder. I find I can't even knit or crochet how sucky is that? My hands and arms just hurt too much. When did this happen to me? I am really to young to feel this way. I don't want to feel this way. I don't want to lose all my creative stuff but to keep it would hurt worse in the long run. I know I would just look at it and remember or try to do it and hurt so badly. It would be one of those damned if you do situations. So for my peace of mind and body it really does all have to go. My hope is that I can find another creative outlet that wont hurt so much but still let me express myself.

On a positive note I know that whoever does get any of my things will take good care of it because that is just how the fiber community is. Also the money I get from it will all go towards our adoption & foster care process. That said, I plan on selling my stuff for a decent price. Its used but in great condition. Some of its even new. I wont try to rake any one over the coals but I don't want to be taken advantage of either. If that were the case I would just donate it to charity. I also plan to put up a list not just of the things I am selling but also the things we need for our foster care and later adoption. If we could do a partial trade for some stuff that would be just as good to me as money. I have some photos and I think I will do start the blogs for what I am getting rid of and another one for what I want. For now thank you for reading! *hugs*

Living with a Pain flareup can Suck

I wondered lately if anyone ever feels the mind searing pain that I do upon waking? There are times I wake and laying in bed hurts me so I know the day is going to be a doozy. Sure enough I struggle out of bed and down the stairs to fix a cup of tea and to take my meds. I am thankful that I didn't have to pick up Feno to take him to daycare today. I manage to make tea and take the meds then I find my phone and see I am missing my therapy. I sent my therapist the message so she knows what is going on. Unfortunately I will have to pay a missed fee for the group DBT that I missed. that sucks so bad. I really have been working and Trying it out. If I can get everything to get things situated I think i could apply as a receptionist or something
That is not yet though. Too many days getting  up late and ending up awake until after 2 am .  I am stressing Tom out to pretty badly. I need to make a real effort to go to bed with him at the end of the day. We are also going to start seeing aside a certain time each day where we will spend time just talking to each other. Soon this will hopefully be something I can just laugh about as a thing of the past. I tried out something called the P-stem and it was wonderful. I will post about it because it was so good I need to really talk about it. For now this is really all I wanted to say. *hugs* thanks for reading!

Part 5: Do You Suffer from Past Trauma (Childhood Abuse, PTSD, Domestic Violence, etc..)?

Please be aware though I will not be going into specifics this could be a trigger for some of you. Read with caution! 

Please remember any abuses that you have suffered were not your fault. You are a survivor! If you were able to survive the abuse, you can survive the emotions that have been left behind. You are not alone. There is someone out there who can help or listen. *hugs*

So far I have talked about Cognitive Behavior Therapy, Yoga, Meditation, Self Hypnosis, Massage Therapy, Setting Boundaries, Getting to know yourself basically. Now I want to talk about the thing that I have found to be the most helpful to me. It was actually designed for a specific type of mental illness called Borderline Personality Disorder. I don't have that so I guess that would be one of the reasons it was not recommended to me for a long time. Luckily I had a great Dr in Lexington, KY. He told me about this program. He told me that even though it was designed for people with Borderline Personality Disorder that he had sent patients through it who suffered with Chronic PTSD with great success. The program is called DBT - Dialectical behavior therapy. 

I wanted to feel better and to stop being afraid. I figured I had nothing to lose really at this point. It still took me a while to call. I finally did and set up an appointment to find out about it. I met with the Dr who ran the DBT group. She explained to me how the program worked. Basically every week you have a group session and an individual session. In the group you learn skills to use. There is homework to help you practice the skills. At the next group you will go over the homework to see how you did along with learning new skills and getting new homework. The individual sessions help you adapt to life using the skills and also deal with things getting in the way. 

I have found this website DBT Self Help to be pretty helpful for looking up DBT stuff on my own. I do recommend find an actual DBT therapist and group though. My insurance covers it and so might yours. There are some pages that say they don't work but I have found you can work around them usually by clicking through to them from other places on the site. Also there are some great apps for DBT if you have an iPhone, not sure about other phones though. If you have any questions please ask and I will help you to the best of my abilities. 

There are 4 Modules in DBT that you learn. They are Mindfulness, Distress tolerance, Emotion Regulation, and Interpersonal Effectiveness. The skills are taught in 6 months though most people take at least 2, 6month loops to really learn them. There are also 4 stages but I can not remember how they go right now. These skills though are far reaching and can help so many people because when you break them down they are basically life skills. 

These skills are just so useful that I felt I needed to talk about them or at least point some people in the right direction to find them. Help is out there. You don't have to suffer any longer. Life is worth living and you deserve to seek your joy.  Also for those who will not be able to really follow the program or seek out the therapy, I will be occasionally posting helpful hints and suggestions along the way to help encourage you. I think that is part of why we are here. We have to help out when we can right! *hugs*

Part 4: Do You Suffer from Past Trauma (Childhood Abuse, PTSD, Domestic Violence, etc..)?

Please be aware though I will not be going into specifics this could be a trigger for some of you. Read with caution! 


Please remember any abuses that you have suffered were not your fault. You are a survivor! If you were able to survive the abuse, you can survive the emotions that have been left behind. You are not alone. There is someone out there who can help or listen. *hugs*

How did I choose what I wanted and didn't want out of a relationship? Well we actually had to make a list for that in Massage school. It was actually pretty amazing to put down the things you know that you want, the things you know that you don't and then to see how the people in your life compare to it. I don't know if other schools teach the same skills as the one I attended but I am ever so grateful that I chose to go to school there.

Another thing that helped in school was the massage itself. We have a saying "The issues are in the tissues". The body fibers hold onto patterns from habit of use. Some people say they hold onto old emotion or energy. We are taught to just observe and be there for the client. Sometimes they may have an emotional outburst or release and you don't comfort them, you just continue to massage, maybe bring them tissues and the trash can unless they ask you to stop or something. I had such experiences myself.

The first time I had to get on the massage table at school I dreaded it. I didn't want to at all but I had to. It was required in our program. From the moment I got on the table and the person touched my back the tears started pouring from my eyes. The tears didn't stop for almost 3 hours even though the massage was only 3o min. My teacher actually asked was I sure that I would be able to continue with the program, or that I wanted to. I would and I did. Every time I was on the table I cried though it got better with time. Massage school helped me learn to be touched in a non sexual non threatening manner. I am now able to get a massage with out crying, though these days I do talk to the therapist because it helps me to stay calm so that I am able to get work done for my pain.

Now I am not saying that I think everyone should go to massage school. What I am saying is that its a good idea to decide what your boundaries are. It is also a good idea I think to work on touch therapy if you have the strong aversion to it like I did and it interferes with your day to day life. As a massage therapist I was able to work with a few people doing this type of therapy. For some I started working on them fully clothed in my massage chair because to lay on a massage table was too much for them. Gradually over time we were able to remove some layers of clothing, though always at the clients comfort level. Even though clothing is being removed while I was not working in an area I would drape the area with a sheet or towel to keep the person feeling safe and secure. On another person I worked on her hands and gradually worked my way up her arm to her shoulders. You just need to find someone you feel you can trust to work with you at your personal comfort level. If your therapist does not listen to you they are not the right person to go to.   to be continued....

Part 3: Do You Suffer from Past Trauma (Childhood Abuse, PTSD, Domestic Violence, etc..)?

Please be aware though I will not be going into specifics this could be a trigger for some of you. Read with caution! 

Please remember any abuses that you have suffered were not your fault. You are a survivor! If you were able to survive the abuse, you can survive the emotions that have been left behind. You are not alone. There is someone out there who can help or listen. *hugs*

I think learning to accept love is very hard if you have been abused. People who have been victims of abuse tend to be filled with guilt, shame, self hatred, self blame, low self esteem and they do not usually believe that they deserve to be loved. This is a hard one to understand, especially if that person has a partner that really loves them now. The person who suffered abuse may have doubts all the time, may get clingy, or may try to push the partner away. The abuse cycle hurts everyone involved.

Back to my story a bit and I should stop here to add this is not by any means a complete history. I am just telling the parts that helped me. We all had to go through a lot of messed up and bad times to get to the good ones and to get better. I leave all that out now for several reasons. 1) I don't like to dwell on it. 2) I don't really think its necessary to get my point across. 3) Knowing the bad things that have went down will not really help you out. Lets focus on the positive here.

With the encouragement of my friends that I lived with I decided to go to school for massage. In hindsight this was a very weird choice for me as I hated to be touched. My thoughts were I would be the one touching others and it would be a way to help people. I had a background in Home Health and Childcare so I wanted to do something I could make a difference in. I ended up loving Massage and loving Massage Therapy School. I had wonderful teachers. I learned amazing things. I came out of it with so much more than I thought I would.

You may be asking yourself what does Massage School have to do with any of this?? Well I learned things like boundaries and ethics. I learned that I deserved respect. I learned I didn't have to have sex with people just to get them to like me. Sex had never really had any value to me other than a physical way to connect to others. It was never a big deal to me if I had sex with someone. At one point a friend had even remarked "Is F*cking just how you say hello? Do you have to F*ck everyone you meet?" I had thought about it and told her that I found it to be a good ice breaker. Well learning everything I did about ethics and boundaries and how they applied to massage helped me to figure out a set of them for myself and my life. I had not really had them before. I didn't realize it was something I desperately needed for my self esteem and self worth.

Don't get me wrong though I am not saying this was an overnight change or that I completely stopped having sex. I didn't, I just became choosy and decided what I wanted and what I didn't want. Then I lived by those decisions.  to be continued....

Part 2: Do You Suffer from Past Trauma (Childhood Abuse, PTSD, Domestic Violence, etc..)?

Please be aware though I will not be going into specifics this could be a trigger for some of you. Read with caution! 

Please remember any abuses that you have suffered were not your fault. You are a survivor! If you were able to survive the abuse, you can survive the emotions that have been left behind. You are not alone. There is someone out there who can help or listen. *hugs*

I have tried many types of therapy through the years and to be really honest none of them helped until I was about 24 (I think but I could be off on the age by a year or so). At that time I got a therapist who used Cognitive Behavior Therapy. It was the first therapy I had ever found to be effective at all. For really the first time I was seeing an improvement in how I felt about myself that didn't depend on others.   I only stayed with it for a few months because I moved but I had bought the book "Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy" by David Burns so I continued to use what I had learned. While I was feeling a bit better, it only went so far though.

I tried Self Hypnosis, Meditation and Yoga. These also helped a bit. It seemed like everything I tried would help just a little bit. I felt like I was taking the tiniest of baby steps forward and then something would happen to tumble me all the way back again causing me to have to start over. Around this time through odd circumstances, I ended up homeless in St Petersburg, FL. A friend found out and before even one night without having a home she and her husband took me in. They also encouraged me to go back to school. Living with them was so hard in some ways for me.

I mean here were these 2 people who had 5 kids between them and a 4 bedroom home. They didn't even think twice or blink an eye over me moving in and would have none of my arguments. They were just such warm and loving people and it just bubbled out of them and spread to everyone they knew. Their kids were the same way. I grew up not really hearing people tell me that they loved me or hugging me or just touching me all the time. To be honest I had (still have to a degree) a major aversion to being touched. Well you try explaining that to such a loving family. Yep its not gonna happen. They just hug you and tell you they love you and when you start crying they hold you and say its ok. They didn't see anything wrong with crying???? This was so weird to me. I was tough. I didn't cry. I grew up believing you never let people see you cry. It is a sign of weakness and it will be exploited. Not with this family though. They believed a good cry was healthy and healing, so were hugs.

Slowly so slowly I got used to walking in the door and getting 7 hugs on a regular basis. I got used to hearing I love you and knowing that it was meant. I got used to people cuddling up against me to watch a movie on the couch. I got used to a whole new side of people I never knew existed. That was I think when I really started to realize there are good people out there in this world.   to be continued....

Do You Suffer from Past Trauma (Childhood Abuse, PTSD, Domestic Violence, etc..)? Part 1

Please be aware though I will not be going into specifics this could be a trigger for some of you. Read with caution! 

Please remember any abuses that you have suffered were not your fault. You are a survivor! If you were able to survive the abuse, you can survive the emotions that have been left behind. You are not alone. There is someone out there who can help or listen. *hugs*

Do you suffer? Do you know someone who suffers? So many people today are suffering and they continue to suffer for a lot of reasons. I am one of those people. I am going to share some things with you today, not for sympathy or pity but in hopes that my experiences can help YOU or SOMEONE YOU KNOW!

You may or may not know this about me but I suffered pretty much every abuse imaginable from early childhood (I'm honestly not sure how young it all started) through early adulthood. These abuses included Physical, Mental, Emotional, and Sexual. When a person suffers these types of abuses as an early child and on it really effects the whole person. You are still growing in every since of the word. Your body is still forming, your mind, your emotions.

You develop coping skills to get you through it to survive. Sometimes you forget, ignore it, pretend it doesn't exist. Sometimes you develop self hurting behaviors such as cutting, anorexia, bulimia, drinking, drugs, promiscuity, etc.. Your body can develop incorrectly due to injuries sustained leading to problems not only while the abuse is occurring but later in life as well. You may also become angry, full of rage, though you will probably direct it towards someone other than your abuser (not always though). You may totally withdrawal from the world and hide, become very shy, not talk much to anyone. There are really so many ways abuse can express itself.

You have probably tried lots of ways to get help too. Maybe taking medicine prescribed by a psychiatrist. You may have seen a psychologist or other mental health professional for counseling. You may have tried intensive therapy programs. Maybe different things in life just have led to you getting better a bit at a time.  I am going to do a few blogs on this subject. In them I will explore the things that have helped me on my journey to get well. I will say this is a life journey and I do not believe there are any quick fixes.   to be continued....

I have decided to Liquidate my Business, Ever Improving Me, explanations in blog.

After some careful consideration of what my needs are for the future and where we see ourselves headed I have decided to liquidate my business. The funds will be put into our adoption/surrogacy fund. I was going to keep my stuff for awhile because I thought I would get back to where I used to be and start dyeing, carding, sewing, selling again. Unfortunately that will not be happening.

The truth is that I am in too much physical pain. It is getting a lot better than it was the past  4 months.  I am still working towards improvement but that is going to be a long journey. Realistically I no longer have the ability to lift heavy dye pots or wet wool & yarn for long periods of time. Turning my carder handle for hours on end used to be easy. I would get going and lose all track of time, but not any more. When I  make my batts I tend to stand bent over for hours. I piece together my fibers all the while hauling buckets from shelves; lifting them up and down as I shift them around looking for the right thing to put in them. When I have attempted to do that I am terribly disappointed by my lack of stamina and pain tolerance. I am not able to sit at a spinning wheel for hours on end spinning the bulky yarns that I sell in the shop or use for myself any longer. I am also not able to drop spindle more than 15-20 minutes. It is a major blow to my self esteem. I am working to improve it and to accept that this is just my new reality at this time.

My business took hours of work. Hard work. If I want to get healthier, and have less pain I have to choose to let my business go. We want to have children. I want to enjoy having children. I don't want to feel angry and sad and frustrated about a business that I just have no time, energy, pain tolerance, or physical abilities to perform any longer. It is better to let it go now. To give myself time to accept this and to heal. I also hope that I will be able to move back into a space of finding the joy in the hobby side of the craft rather than the business side. I will begin going through my inventory this month but its probably going to be a slow process. I will probably start building a list of the things that I have  available by the end of this month. I may put them in my artfire shop, I think I still have it. I will also have a list here on my blog, & one of my friends may help handle the inventory liquidation for me. It makes me pretty sad. I have to be honest. I loved my business. I loved the people I met. I love fiber, I love yarn,  love color, but I believe this is the best decision for me and my family at this time.

Thank you for reading, Johanna

Craftsy meet up party at Enchanted Yarn, Jan 26, 2012

This week I am working out of Enchanted Yarn Shop in Clarksville, TN. The owner is RoLynn and she is one of the absolute nicest people you will ever meet! I have been helping to gear up for the Craftsy meetup Party tonight at 5:30pm. So far there are 67 people RSVP'ed!!! That is simply incredible but goes to show what sort of shop she has. They were #1 in the whole world for RSVPs for the party! It just sort of blows me away.

If you have not heard about the Craftsy parties let me tell you a bit. Etsy has a learning/teaching side called Craftsy. They are trying to promote crafting, and learning and get the community involved which I think is pretty cool. This is the first major meet up but I do believe they plan on doing it monthly. Anyone can host a meet up so its a great way to meet other crafters in your area.

What happens is you register to host a party like Enchanted Yarn shop did, then people can RSVP or just show up. You think about something you know how to make and then write or find instructions on how to do it. You bring 20 copies to the party to help others to learn how to make something new and fun. Its that simple! I plan on hosting one in my area next month and I hope to see you there!

You can find Enchanted Yarn shop online, on Ravelry, and on Facebook. Of course you can also visit the shop in person at 2327 Madison Street Clarksville, TN 37043, or call the shop at (931) 553-9000.

Everything is Now on SALE in my shop!

I hope everyone has a wonderful thanksgiving and gets to enjoy the day with someone you love! If you are spending the day alone I hope you take the time to show yourself that you are special too. Ways to do this can include:

* taking a nice bubble bath with some scented candles and your favorite drink
* making yourself a special dinner & I mean something you really love (eat that high calorie but yummy dish you crave)
* taking the time to watch a movie or read a book that you have been meaning to get to while relaxing in your favorite chair

Most importantly I hope everyone realizes how truly special they are!

In honor of the holiday I am having a Store wide Sale. Everything in my Artfire Shop and my Etsy shop is On Sale 10% off! This is all in addition to the Free shipping on most items in the US, with $1 shipping to Canada, and $2 shipping to everywhere else in the world. This sale includes everything being 10% off, including all my 3 Month Clubs,, my Birthstones SAL/KAL, and custom orders!

Finally you can also save 10% off anything in either shop with coupon EIMNOVEMBER2011 This coupon is in addition to the storewide sale, so you get both discounts. These sales will go through Cyber Monday! Happy Thanksgiving!