Life has a way of happening. (sad post)

Even when you wish it would not. I am updating here because I have to. I should have followed peoples advice and waited to tell anyone. I had hoped that by telling people it would have to all work out. I was just wrong. I feel stupid, mad, ashamed, embarrassed, depressed, upset and on top of it all I just want to feel numb.

I lost the baby and had to have a stupid test tell me. I am still having all the symptoms of being pregnant but the baby.. well its gone. The placenta is still there and thats why Im still having the symptoms. I have to wait for nature to finish what it started. I hate it all. I don't want it to be true. I thought I was further along this time and that it would be ok but its just not. Im sorry to anyone who got their hopes up along with mine. I have tried to figure out just what I did wrong. The doctor said i didn't do anything wrong but i still have to wonder.

Now I have to have some more tests to make sure my uterus is actually ok. They have to put dye into it and exray it but we have to wait until my next period to prevent infection. My doctor is really nice. She has been through this too and I guess that helps more. I really just want to wake up from this nightmare and still be pregnant and still be preparing for my baby. I am taking some time off work and I do not even know what to say to anyone. I want to scream and cry and break stuff. Instead I am just sitting in my room trying to sleep. I needed to put this here because you should know. I dont want to tell people individually. Its a bit of a copout. It was bad enough telling Tom. He was so happy about the baby and so was i and now its all gone.

I had to get a shot of Rhogam because Im O- and Tom is A+ to protect the future babies. RH factor is important because with out this shot my body decided this baby was a foreign object that had to go. So if you are - and your partner is + ask if you need this shot.
Hugs, Johanna

I am so behind in my work and my home stuff!

The weekend I found out I was pregnant (last Friday) I got a horrible cold (again). I am still feeling the end of it a week later. I do not know about any of yall but when I get a bad cold I am just exhausted. I can't breath and I can't do a whole lot at a time without feeling like I'm going to fall over. Coughing makes me see stars and get dizzy. So that added on top of all the rest leads me to still way behind. I am really starting to feel like I will never catch up. My room still needs the trim done. I still have to put up the book shelves. I still have a SAL/KAL to get out (its already late). I have a few custom orders that are taking an abnormally long amount of time because of issues I ran into and just being too tired to start them again.

I was getting really down last week (I think being sick just tends to do that anyway) and was thinking along the lines of just closing my business. Yep I go all gloom and doom at times. Then out of the blue I got several "Hope you feel better" cards from people in my Ravelry group who are just super sweet and really did boost my spirits. The people online are just so supportive that to really quit would be just wrong in my opinion. I have realized though that I will need to rethink my work ethics and schedule.

I tend to go full steam ahead most times. I also tend to have about a million things to do all at once. I think this might also lead to running behind and not feeling like things ever get completed. I have to take it easy for a bit while I am pregnant. I do not want to risk losing my baby because I got hard headed and could not tone it down. I have to figure out what that really means though. I am putting off April's SAL/KAL until May or June when I am feeling more in control. I am going to get my room finished with Tom's help. I am going to finish organizing my work space (that also never really seems finished). I really want to put more in the shop for people who want to just browse and buy. I realized I have quite a few yarns but only a few batts right now. I must fix that.

All in all I am feeling better. I feel guilty though at all of the commitments that are still dangling. I plan on taking care of those this month also. On a super positive one of my life goals has been accomplished. I wanted to be pregnant by 32 and we did it!

We got 2 pink lines and the doctor visit

I went to the dr on thursday and told her about the pain I have been having and the bleeding. I told her that my pregnancy tests have all been negative and we discussed my options. She did a pelvic exam, ran a bunch of tests and scheduled an ultrasound on tuesday to try to figure out whats wrong. I have to wait to see what is going on there. I got put on 2 different antibiotics, 1 that should not be taken if pregnant but I thought I was not and since i told the dr that they did not do a pregnancy test. We also talked about my options to get pregnant in the future. The doctor felt we should skip the rest of this month and get my issues fixed first. She also prescribed clomid for next month and told to use an ovulation kit.

I did take the antibiotics that day but all night long I was thinking about that the antibiotics that should not be taken if pregnant. I woke up and asked Tom what he thought about it. We decided I should just take a pregnancy test to ease my mind. (its not like I dont keep them on hand) So I took one and I did not even wait the 3 minutes before glancing over at it. I have to say I looked at it and sort of shook my head and looked again. Nope still 2 pink lines. I told Tom you are not going to believe this but there are 2 pink lines, what does that mean? He went from sleeping to wide eyed and grinning in about 2 seconds flat. I called my dr's office but she is out of town until Monday. They told me to wait a few days and take another test then call back on Monday.

I do not think anyone else could wait a few days either so we went to the health department. Before you know it I had a positive test there too. We asked if there could be any mistake and she said that in all the time she had been there a positive test was positive. She said sometimes there will be a false negative and that is what she thinks we may have been getting. She had to go off of the last menstrual cycle to give me an expected due date of Dec 8, 2011 but she said that the tests usually will not give a positive result unless you are 4-5 weeks along. She said we would probably be due sooner but no way to know for sure until the ultrasound.

We are overjoyed and excited. I know that we should be cautious still but there is just no way that I can be. I feel like my prayers have been answered and now I have to do everything that I can to have a healthy baby. I think from here on out my blog will have 2 parts, my wool/yarn business and my baby/family stuff. I will figure out a way to make sure yall know which one you may be looking at so you get the information that you really want *grin* I say that like there are people out there just hanging on every word I write. I have a high opinion of myself I guess. Really though putting my thoughts out here in my blog helps me to process the things going on in my life.

Lately I have been so discouraged and sick that I have had 2nd and even 3rd thoughts about keeping my business going. I was really starting to feel that I was just doing everything wrong. Thankfully I have some wonderful people that I talk to in my Ravelry group, my Inspineration group, and my Phatfiber group that I belong to. Everyone there has just been so supportive to me that I know that once I get caught up it will be ok. My husband is even helping me catch up so that is wonderful too. We are doing much better and I am emotionally doing much better. Thank you all for everything. *hugs*

Another workspace update

Thats right 2 blogs in one day! This one is geared towards the wool and yarn side of life. I think I mentioned a while back that I built a big wooden box bed for my room so that I could store things in it? If not I should do that now *grin*. My friend Wanda helped me build it a few weeks ago. It was outside in the pole barn but when all the storms started happening we had to move it into my workspace. Well we finally had some guys around at the same time and they moved it into the bedroom yesterday. This is great news!

This means my workspace is now open to my use again with out having to bang around the big bed. This is also good because I am currently so far behind in my work I am not sure if I will ever catch up. Ok that was possibly me being overly dramatic. My husband decided to switch jobs so he is home this week to help me catch up. He is going to start working just down the road at a bee company. Very nice people there. He will have a set daytime schedule and if he is required to work on Saturdays it will mean overtime. He is very happy about that. His other job had too many last minute schedule changes and they were not fun for any of us.

With Tom helping me I believe I will actually get everything I need done so that it can all ship out by Friday. This is shipping out late but thankfully everyone I have things going out to is very understanding. I will see if I can post some teaser photos of some of the things going out later this week. One of my orders that will be leaving sooner is for fleegle. Her anniversary is just after mine this month and I got to once again make her some surprise batts to spin up. These are all pretty fun but I can not give away anything just yet for those. Please check out her blog though to see some of the really cool things she spins up and knits. Her latest Percy Shawl was made from 2 of the batts that I made for her. It is simply amazing that something I made ended up like that. I really do not even have the words to describe how truly cool fleegle is so yall check her out.

Clomid / TTC update (non wool post)

Here is another Clomid / TTC update and this one will be a bit graphic/gross so please do not read if this bothers you.


This is not a happy post so be warned a second time. I have been having bleeding for the past 3 days now. I read that breakthrough bleeding is normal but that it was more like spotting. Its like my period restarted again. I have also been having cramping/pain. I am finding myself very upset and depressed because i do not know what is wrong. I have a doctors appointment on the 22nd so hopefully we will see what is happening. I am finding myself a bit scared also. There really is no polite way to say this so I will just spit it out. We have been attempting to have sex daily in order to conceive though some days I am feeling to sore in my uterus / low abdomen area to do that. We tried last night and I had to ask my husband to stop because it was just to painful. This is not something that has ever happened to us or me before. I am not sure what could cause that level of pain in that area so I am hoping the doctor can help me figure it out.

I am finding it really hard to be motivated to do anything at all. A few days ago I ended up drinking too much at a party. I know I should be avoiding alcohol but the tests still say negative and honestly I wanted to feel better. Instead I ended up crying too much and getting sick. This is how down I have been feeling. I hoped that if I drank my body would relax enough to have sex with out pain. It didn't happen so it was all just a waste. I am sorry if this blog is less encouraging than others. I hope to post something happy about TTC soon. I also hope that someone may read this who has been through similar and post something happy. We all have hopes. I need some motivation. Then again in a few days maybe I will be all better and then just look this blog over as a reference. I met someone the other day who got pregnant on her 6 month of Clomid so I have to figure out how to keep doing this without getting so discouraged I just give up.

I also figured I would add in that I have sprained my ankle. I went outside a few days ago and stepped wrong over 3 kittens. I was trying to be careful and my foot slid in the gravel. I crashed down on my ankle and my knee. I have spent the past few days icing it and keeping it elevated. That may also be contributing to my funk in general. *hugs*

Day 5 Clomid + the next 2 days (a TTC blog not wooly)

Day 5 on Clomid was pretty uneventful and it followed the pattern of the other days. Still felt bloated, and crampy but basically fine. If I thought I was moody on clomid I think going off clomid just may be worse. My moods are still all over the place. I think my body is really confused on what time of the month it is. The clomid is attempting to make me ovulate before I normally do I think. I think by day 5 my body was getting used to the hormones so the sudden stop of them just may have angered it. Either way I have been all pissy all day long. I really just feel mad for no real apparent reason. the joys of planned parenthood...

I also really need to vent for a minute. I know that people mean well but seriously if one more person tells me that I just have to relax and it will happen I just may explode. Everyone says it with a smile and they really mean well by it. They also usually have at least a few of their own kids. Its like I should be following in their footsteps.. but they had their kids at least 8 years ago and I think that if I had done that I would have had an easier time with it too. Do people really think that if you just relax that a magical path opens up that takes the sperm directly to the ovum in a sparkling bright shiny light? Also if they do in fact believe this do they also think that the princess and the prince really do live happily ever after with no disagreements or disgusting bodily functions?

I mean come on I think we all know the way the story really goes. They live happily ever after all the way through the honey moon if they are lucky. At this point Prince Charming realizes that Sleeping Beauty snores loudly and needs a poke to turn her on the side. Sleeping Beauty also starts to get tired of Prince Charming leaving his shoes in the middle of the floor so that she trips on them in the middle of the night. Im not saying these are reasons that will cause them to get their own castles but at some point in the story they have to realize chemistry only goes so far and they actually have to work on making it last.

So I am living my dream here with my husband but at times it does feel a bit like a nightmare. Thankfully he is still here working with me to slay the beasts of dr apointments and late orders while still working on keeping the romance alive. I think happily ever after is really when you cuddle up in bed at the end of the day and just fall asleep holding each other or waking up grumpy while your partner tells you how beautiful you look first thing in the morning. You may not appreciate it at that moment but later on in the day it will surely make him smile. Love to you all!

My new (to me) Incredible Sweater Machine

I got a Bond Incredible Sweater Machine in the mail today. I think it is the older model of this one:



Its pretty cool. I have no idea how to use it but it was free! All the person who sent it did was ask for shipping for it. How awesome is that? She had gotten a newer/better model or something like that. I am pretty psyched about it because I have been wanting to try a line of sock blanks for those who like to knit 2 at the same time socks with self striping. This will let me figure out if I actually like doing this sort of thing so it will be great!

I wanted to share this quick little update with yall as I really do need to take my butt back out to the garage and get some more work done! I was so sick that everything is about 1-2 weeks behind so that means I gotta work smarter to get it all finished as soon as possible. I wont rush anything because that just messes it all up. Thankfully I keep people in the loop as much as I am able and everyone knows that they will get there stuff about a week late. I will finish them in order of priority. I have it all in my head.. I should really put it all on paper!

Day 3 & 4 on Clomid (only read if interested not a wooly post)

Still recording this stuff for people like me who are trying to conceive or for me if I want to remember how the pills effected me. This is a more graphic blog so may want to avoid it unless you are looking for information on the process.

Day 3 on Clomid was a bit harder than the first two. I was much moodier. I was (and still am) feeling much more bloated than usual. The scale says Im fine so Im not worried just making a note of it. I have kept a headache for the past few days but its not stopping me from hanging out and working. Did I mention I was moodier? Yesterday (day 3) I was crying again. I was very sad, mad and slightly depressed and hopeless feeling. Thankfully those moods passed over to a happier mood most of the day. I just seem more on the edge of my emotions. Funny things will make me laugh so hard tears will run out of my eyes and I cant breath. Sad things will make me just bawl. Its like that.

I am also noticing that I besides feeling bloated I am also more sensitive in my low stomach (im guessing where all my female organs are). I have been walking with Tom and that makes me feel better. All in all we are feeling pretty hopeful. Tom still really thinks we just need to "do it" more. He is pretty confident that we will get pregnant soon.

I think this is the first time in my life that I am openly discussing these sorts of things in a public way. It is odd how we change as we get older. 10 years ago I was concerned about how I looked in a skirt and would we have fun at the club tonight. These days I love my comfy clothes and im thinking thoughts like fertility cycles. I find myself researching the weirdest things too. For instance taking Clomid helps you to release more eggs to make you more fertile. Clomid can also make your cervical mucus dry out. You need that for the sperm to get to the egg to fertilize it right. So I find myself looking at what others have done to prevent this. So far the winners seem to be more water than usual, a baby asprin from day 8 or 9 through the day of ovulation to thin the fluids, also taking musinex is supposed to help (just make sure you take the one that does not have the decongestant as that will also dry you out.

I was even looking into alternative lubricants. Most lubricants out there actually slightly inhibit-to kill sperm. This is not the desired outcome so what are my alternatives? Well I have heard of using room temperature pasteurized egg whites. Am I considering this? Well at this point I am not counting it out. While i do not think we will try that this time around should we end up going through another round of clomid we probably will. These are the sorts of things on my mind right now. I want a baby more than anything. There comes a point where there is no "just relax and it will happen" I am more of the if you want something to happen you should work towards it.

So its only midafternoon on Day 4 but so far so good. Good luck out there to anyone TTC.

Day 2 on Clomid (only read if interested not a wooly post)

Warning: These posts are geared towards trying to have a baby and not the usual stuff to do with washing, or dyeing wool or yarn. I will still be making batts but these posts are going to be more about my attempts to make a baby (grin) so only read these if you feel like it. I will describe mood and physical effects for myself in the future.

I figured I would record how I feel and respond to Clomid so that I have something to reference it to later if I need to. Yesterday I was very moody. I cried for about 2 solid hours for pretty much no reason but after that my mood picked up. I was pretty crampy for the first half of the day after taking the pills but towards the end of the day I really felt no effect. I recorded my starting weight and daily I am weighing myself at the same time of day to watch for one of the major side effects. It shows if you gain like 10-20lbs in 2-3 days. So far nothing major for me there. When I went to bed I was tender on the left side but not so much that I was unable to sleep.

Today I was still moody but less. I actually felt pretty euphoric and I did wonder if that was a side effect too because I was more happy than usual. This evening I noticed that I am more watery eyed over small things than usual too. Still crampy and mostly on the left side again. Tender but not painful. Still hoping for good things.

Babies, & Marriage continued

I am not always the most rational person. I tend to be very emotional and moody. Tom is more logical and internal. He tends to keep most things bottled up inside. The past few weeks have really made us open up to each other more. After my odd ultimatum Tom started talking to me. He told me he wanted a real marriage with me. He told me he loved me and wanted me. He also told me how he has a hard time talking to me at times. He is just not used to discussing the issues I guess. We both have things we need to work on. I need to relax and not be so wound up all the time. I tend to take on the whole world and then not understand when he doesn't want to do the same thing. He tends to do what he is supposed to do and then just blank out online. When we lost the baby it actually hit Tom pretty hard. I had no idea. He turned to his "online persona" to deal with it. He was afraid of admitting that we had lost someone. He was afraid of what would happen to me if this keeps happening. He felt a bit lost and hopeless and didn't want to fall into it. I do not actually understand all the thoughts in his head but I do know that he did care. I think that we will be able to build a stronger marriage in the future because we both made mistakes, we saw there was a problem and we are working together to move forward.

We have been talking about what having a baby means to us both lately. I am feeling very emotional today because today I started the fertility drug Clomid. It makes you very emotional I guess. I have had crying spurts today and laughing so I am definitely moody. I am filled with hope, with sadness, with fear and thinking of all the things I want and all the things that are. I am glad that me and Tom are together on this. My faith was shaken for a bit and I am really happy to know that he is as dedicated to this as I am. It is good to know that I have a partner who is willing to work with me through the good and bad towards better. We have a good life that we are building here. My workspace is almost complete and then there will really be no issues to interfere with my work. Tom has a job he likes though nailing down the schedule is frustrating him. We have great friends and family.

We are going to have a baby whenever it happens. I know that with all the love and support in my life, our life that when it does happen it will be a good thing. Love to you all.

Lately all I see everywhere are babies & pregnant women

For months my husband and I have been trying to get pregnant. We did and then lost the baby in December. This has been on my mind a lot lately. Unfortunately several of my friends are also having their own losses. I know that this is all a part of life but it does not make it any less sad to me. When it happened to me I felt all alone. My husband did not seem to take it seriously at all at the time. To me I thought he just did not care and I was torn apart by it. It seemed like the more I tried to make him care or talk to me the less he wanted to. We started arguing a lot and I honestly thought he had no interest in having a child with me or in even being with me.

I decided to take matters into my own hands and I guess he was doing the same. He was trying to work through his feelings by talking to people he knew in the past online. I tried to talk to him about having a baby again and he would just not talk to me about it at all. I decided to buy fertility drugs. I am 32 with our 4th anniversary this month and my 33 birthday next month. I really felt time pressing in on me. I guess I was just pushing him more away and he was spending more time online having conversations with other women who I guess he felt were more sympathetic than me. When I found out I was very hurt that he was having these intimate conversations with women. He would not even talk to me about a baby but he was fine talking about sex and babies with others. I just did not understand it at all. He did not think there was an issue at all until I found out about it. I got so mad at first that I packed up his computer and was going to mail the cords to my momma. I threatened leaving him or making him just go. I cried a lot and he got upset too.

Finally I told him I really just needed to know what he wanted out of our relationship and what he felt was fine so that I knew what to expect for the rest of our relationship. I had come to the realization that I did love him and that I did not want to leave him. I wanted to have his baby but I was willing to move to more of a 2 people who live together and have sex and a child but basically have their own lives beyond that. I told him all of this. I was just tired of being hurt because I had expectations that he just did not have or believe in. I told him that in the way I saw it I could have sex with him but I would not longer be intimate with him. I would not share that with anyone. I would basically draw a line of what I would give to him and what I would keep separate. I was not willing to share intimacy with someone who felt it was ok to be intimate with other women. I also told him that I planned to start the fertility drugs this month as long as he was willing because what I really wanted out of our marriage was a baby. I pretty much broke it down to cold hard logic at least as I saw it.

His options from this point forward would be (as I saw them):
* Continue on as he had been online moving to more of a relationship of convenience with me for sex to have a baby, sharing financial burden, but no longer having an actual "relationship" with me
* He could pack up and leave doing what ever he wanted
* We could work on a relationship built on love, trust, and communication and he would no longer have intimate conversations with other women or avoid real issues with me by turning to others

Continued on next blog.