Mother's Day is a sad day for me this year.

Today as been a really hard day for me and I know for some other ladies out there. Today I know all day long I find my mind going backwards in time. I am thinking of my babies that were never born, instead I miscarried each one. I think about how old each would be had that not happened. I think about how different my life would be if I had just never tried to have kids in the first place. I think about lost opportunities and chances. I keep thinking about all the things that I have lost in this life and I am unbearably sad. I know that I am not alone in these thoughts and that makes it all the more sad. I hate that anyone else feels this way. It is really a horrible feeling.

Not only do you go through the motions of being pregnant, you gain the weight, you have the hormones, you get sick.. everything that any other pregnant woman would have to go through only mine ends in tears where I have to grieve the loss of my child usually alone, where others get to bring home a baby and complain about what a bitch being pregnant was. Then I also have to deal with the well wishers who try to comfort me by telling me it was gods will. You know that just makes me want to go into a field and scream at the sky about how much I hate your god. This is not gods will. This is an accident, a tragedy, something that was doomed from the start maybe but not gods will. I have the wrong body that is malformed inside, the wrongs eggs, the wrong hormones, bad genetics and the wrong blood type.

I have also actually been told "Well you should be able to get over this in no time, i mean you have done it before right?"  Word of advice.. Never Ever say something so incredibly insensitive, stupid, and beyond your ability to understand. When a person has a miscarriage, she has just lost her child. That means to her, her baby, and all her hopes and dreams for her baby have died. They have died an absolutely horrible death, usually there is no body, no memorial, no name.. nothing.. We grieve in silence. I usually am pretty easy going and peaceful these days but days like today are very very hard. If you have a friend who is suffering like me, support them, don't negate them or what they have been through.

I am looking for an egg donor, or someone willing to carry a pregnancy for me.

Im putting it on here. I haven't felt up to talking to people in awhile.. I mainly stay off line and avoid talking to people. I am asking here if anyone out there would be willing to have a baby for me. My eggs are bad. They can not support life. What I am saying is I would need someone willing to have a baby of their own that they would be willing to let me adopt. This is a very hard thing to ask and an even harder thing to contemplate let alone do. If you know someone who is willing please let me know. I really want to be a mother. Thank you for thinking this over. This would require the use of your egg and your uterus most likely. I would need someone willing to have a baby for me. I am willing to have someone move in with me for the duration of the pregnancy so that we could take care of their every need so they would have no worries. We would also be willing to try to come up with some way to cover expenses though this would be harder on us. I want to be a mother so much. I want a baby. If you can help, or you know some one who can help please contact me. My email is everimprovingme@gmail.com

thank you, 

Johanna

I am so behind in my work and my home stuff!

The weekend I found out I was pregnant (last Friday) I got a horrible cold (again). I am still feeling the end of it a week later. I do not know about any of yall but when I get a bad cold I am just exhausted. I can't breath and I can't do a whole lot at a time without feeling like I'm going to fall over. Coughing makes me see stars and get dizzy. So that added on top of all the rest leads me to still way behind. I am really starting to feel like I will never catch up. My room still needs the trim done. I still have to put up the book shelves. I still have a SAL/KAL to get out (its already late). I have a few custom orders that are taking an abnormally long amount of time because of issues I ran into and just being too tired to start them again.

I was getting really down last week (I think being sick just tends to do that anyway) and was thinking along the lines of just closing my business. Yep I go all gloom and doom at times. Then out of the blue I got several "Hope you feel better" cards from people in my Ravelry group who are just super sweet and really did boost my spirits. The people online are just so supportive that to really quit would be just wrong in my opinion. I have realized though that I will need to rethink my work ethics and schedule.

I tend to go full steam ahead most times. I also tend to have about a million things to do all at once. I think this might also lead to running behind and not feeling like things ever get completed. I have to take it easy for a bit while I am pregnant. I do not want to risk losing my baby because I got hard headed and could not tone it down. I have to figure out what that really means though. I am putting off April's SAL/KAL until May or June when I am feeling more in control. I am going to get my room finished with Tom's help. I am going to finish organizing my work space (that also never really seems finished). I really want to put more in the shop for people who want to just browse and buy. I realized I have quite a few yarns but only a few batts right now. I must fix that.

All in all I am feeling better. I feel guilty though at all of the commitments that are still dangling. I plan on taking care of those this month also. On a super positive one of my life goals has been accomplished. I wanted to be pregnant by 32 and we did it!