Here is a really cool video about being alone!

Love yourself because you are worth it.

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I made a decision yesterday to be happy. I know that sounds simple or silly, right? I have a great life with a good partner. I have loving; supportive family and friends (who I believe are my extended family really). I have a business that I love. I get to be as creative as I want. What's not to be happy about right?

I know that you all know if you read my blog regularly that I have had several miscarriages this year. What you may not know is that I suffer from constant chronic pain. I went to the Dr for this off and on in Florida to try to find the source so that I could fix it. In my search to feel better I went from Dr to Dr to Dr. They all ran a lot of tests, usually some the Dr before they ran, and usually came up with no identifiable cause or a Fibromyalgia diagnosis. (now what I am about to say may cause some of you to get angry but I ask that you continue reading and see my full thoughts on it) I find the diagnosis of Fibromyalgia to be a cop out. Please do not get me wrong here. I know that those diagnosed with Fibromyalgia are in pain and that it is real. My disagreement is that any major chronic pain just gets tossed under the generic heading that is now Fibromyalgia and then the Dr only treats the symptoms. The underlying issues are not addressed, and no further reasons are deemed to be necessary. There has to be a reason for all this pain. I just think that once you have been labeled to have Fibromyalgia the Dr mostly pat your hand and give you a pill.

The last time I discussed anything in regards to my pain my Dr recommended a pain clinic where they wanted to put me on narcotics as a preventative. I have a major issue with that for so many reasons. One because they will never again take your pain seriously. Two my dad was a drug addict, and I don't want ever to feel that way. Three they have to be out of their friggin minds if they think I'm just going to take a pill and go away. I did finally find a neurologist who took me seriously and helped me find some alternative methods to deal with the pain. He recommended high doses of magnesium and nerve blocks for my migraines. The nerve blocks last for a while and the immediate pain relief at first confused my senses because I did not know how to deal without having pain. Anyway, I am getting way off track.

The point is when you have chronic pain it drags you down on all your levels. The pregnancies have also done this to me. It is time that I realize it will continue to hurt, and I can either keep sitting on my butt feeling sorry for myself or I can work within my abilities to come back to the person that I am. I need to be happy and healthy for me. I need it for my relationship too. I need to take my vitamin supplements daily. I need to exercise daily. I need to do yoga again because I love it. I need to color my hair whatever random color I want because it makes me happy to have bright, cheery hair, and it always has. I need to quit trying to fit anyone's idea of me except for mine. I want to be happy. I am going to work as hard at feeling good and being happy as I have at feeling the opposite. From this day forward, I will always strive  to remember and know that life is great and that it is worth living, and living well. I will be happy because I can be. I love you all and its time I also remember to show myself that I love me too. *hugs*

This post needs a happy photo, so here are 3 of me and my happy hair!

I have been dyeing roving, yarn and batt ingredients!

I am enjoying dyeing again. The colors taking shape just makes me so happy. I have been putting together new batts too. Some are totally new and some are new takes on old popular batts. I am thinking that I will start doing a weekly update for my shop. This would give me a set time to do updates and allow anyone interested know when to check out my shop for new stuff. I am open to thoughts on this and I would love to hear some input.

On the shop fronts I have been using Etsy, Artfire, and Zibbet. A friend, Carolina, who's webpage you can check out here is helping me to redo my own website! I say helping me in the very loosest since of the word since technically she is doing everything for me! She is such a sweetheart and she has a fabulous blog so check it out! Right now the website is set up still for when I lived in Florida and was an LMT there. It also still talks about the stuff I used to sell that I sewed.

Once I have my new website up and working I have a few plans. First I plan to transition to selling from my site. i also plan to start blogging there. I am hoping to have a gallery that has past things I have made, current items, and inspirations for you to choose from for custom items. Those are the plans. So thats whats happening in a nut shell for today!

What is your favorite summer memory Contest!

Summer is the time it gets hot around here and most places. People tend to have a lot of family time and make some memories. Some of my happiest memories involve the great out doors. I remember when we were kids and we would go wandering through the woods and fields. We would go swimming in the creeks and come home a mess. We still enjoy getting out in nature to go hiking, or even just hanging out with friends. Even just earlier this summer we had some good times swimming and sitting around the fire talking. I would love to know some of your favorite summer memories. Please share them here. I will be randomly choosing one of the postings there on September 22, 2011 since the start of Fall is officially September 23, 2011 to win a $25 gift certificate to my shop. All you have to do to win is post a memory!

One of my happiest adult memories for the summer involved my husband Tom, and are good friend John. We went hiking one of the trails in Kentucky (I have no idea where) and it was so much fun. We splashed around in puddles. We took lots of fun pictures too. We also found some huge rocks in one of the partially open caves and sat on them talking about life. It was so relaxing and peaceful there just laying back and listening to the water while we all talked. I think it will always be one of my favorite times. I can't wait to read some of yours!

Shop update on Order Ship outs

hello everyone! I am doing much better than I have been. Tom started working 2 weeks ago at a job he is enjoying that lets him use his technical know how. Slowly we are catching up on bills and things. The money got very very tight there for a bit because of the quick move, and then my medical expenses. I know there are orders that already late, you all do too but I wanted to sort of put out there whats happening and give you some idea of when to expect it.

Tom will get paid next Friday. This matters because we are really broke. I had to use the money in my paypal (where my business money is kept) over the last month for expenses we had not expected. I have a very limited health insurance and the specialist that I have to see is 2 hours one way. For a few weeks there I had to go several times a week. I am telling you all this because the money I should have to ship I had to spend. Its embarrassing to say but i can’t have you all wondering where your stuff is with no explanation. We had no income for a few months other than what I could bring in with my business so my account got tapped out. We are going to start putting money back in from Tom’s paychecks to do things like ship out orders due and get new supplies slowly as we can.

What this means to you all in order limbo, is that the Sal packages and all other regular orders, will ship out on Aug 29th now. This is for certain and there will be no further delays. Also after this you can expect packages to start shipping out as they should be which for normal orders is usually with in the week they are purchased, custom or pre orders with in 2-3 weeks depending on what the listing says, and Sal/Kals to go as planned. I hope this answers any questions you might have had. Thank you all for understanding, your support, and for basically being you! With out you all I would not even be here so please know that you all matter to me a lot!

TTC: Today is ok

I wanted to take a minute to say that today I am ok. I can not tell you how it feels to know that even in times like this there are great people in this world. There are times when Im cuddled up with Tom that I really feel that it will all be ok and that we are ok. Tom is going to help me figure out a schedule of doing my business stuff so that I can be more motivated with it. We have also decided to take some time and get healthier. Between the hormones, clomid, getting pregnant, and emotional eating I have gained quite a bit of weight in the last year. There is an indoor pool in town. We went and talked to them about it and found out the hours and the cost. We are going to start going up there because one thing I used to really enjoy was swimming laps. I think it will help me feel better, get healthier and lose weight. Tom is going to go with me so it will also be together time when we can. We are sticking in this together. We are talking more this time around and I know it helps me & I think it helps Tom. We feel pretty good about our chances to do foster care and eventually adopting. *hugs to all of you out there*

TTC: I can't decide if I am depressed or have become cold inside

I cried all through april and may. Now I have only cried a few times. I don't want to care any more. Im tired of caring and of having my life so torn up. I want to be like the people who are able to just take whatever comes their way and be just fine. I am just not that way. I can't sleep. I spend hours looking up adoption and foster care information even though it will be months before any thing will even be able to get started there. I think about just getting pregnant again because eventually I have to have one that stays. I wonder how many miscarriages I would have to go through and then how long would the pregnancy be successful. I see people who have kids and act like they don't even want them and I feel like screaming at them how lucky they are. I have a pile of work that I should be doing and I just cant bring myself to care enough to finish carding or ship it out. If I can't get myself together I know I will lose my business. I really think I only still have it because most of my customers know of my situation and are understanding. I hate that they have to be so understanding. There are hours in the day where I can put on this cold shell and get some things done but even then I just dont care anymore. This was supposed to be a business that I could do at home so that I would be able to be here for my children. That was not all of it but lately thats all that goes through my mind and I wonder what the point is. At the end of the day I have a pile of fiber and no hope of a baby. I am finding that I just hate it all. I want to be happy and just not care anymore. I don't know how to do it. I was thinking about getting grief counseling but one of the questions on the adoption paperwork is about psychiatric care and I don't want to do anything that will make them say no. I have no idea if anyone wants to know all of this, probably not but then I think there are people out there who are going through the same thing maybe one of them will read this and then figure out how to do it differently or with better results. I dont know if thats really enough for me though.

I have some friends who are great parents. They all parent differently and they all worry if they are doing the right things. What I see from an outside perspective is that they all give their kids lots of love. They give them a safe environment with rules and structure. They make sure there is enough food and family time. They sometimes struggle with decisions and how to do things that crop up. Ultimately though they keep going and don't give up. They are all set up differently as some of them are 2 parent families and some are single parent families. It makes me so sad to see how hard my single parent friend works to take care of her kids and provide them a good life. The father just doesn't seem to care and I don't understand how any one could have this gift and just throw it away. It's not like he decided he was unable to support or take care of them for some reason and gave up his rights so that they would be better taken care of. No he keeps his rights and takes little to no part in his own children's lives. Its more important to him to life his own life than to take any time out of it to be with his children. They are growing up essentially fatherless when they have a perfectly good one right there if he would only realize it.

I have no idea of what kind of mother I would actually be or maybe no proof. I have been told from time to time that I do not understand because I don't have children of my own. I have also listened to people tell me that if a woman can not reproduce she is useless. I think that I do understand what its like to love someone so much you would do anything for them no matter what. I also know what its like to have that someone ripped away with no explanations or reasons. People say things like it was gods will. My thoughts there is why does god hate me? why does god keep killing my babies. why does god keep raising my hopes and then crushing them? Am I being punished? Have I been that horrid of a person? Am I really of less worth because I can not seem to have a baby? My husband of course says none of this is true and he loves me no matter what. I think I am just feeling a lack of everything right now that we are missing in our lives and the judgements I hear even though they are usually said with well meaning intentions are just driving knives into my heart pointing out all of my failings.

TTC: another bitter disappointing loss (part 3)

I am so sad and angry. I want to scream and break things but I am not. I feel like I am wrapped in a blanket of some sort where I feel icy calm and distant. I want to work until I have no time to think but after a miscarriage you are supposed to take it easy for 6 weeks. Its sort of laughable in a cruel twist sort of joke. I will work but only as I can. I will not withdrawl into myself like last time. I just cant do that. Tom is afraid that I will drink myself sick again. I wont though that way is suicidal and no good comes from it. Im afraid he will completely pull away from me again. I dont think I can lose him too so we have to figure out how to be stronger together. We want to do foster care. We have wanted to do it in the past but havent for whatever reason. Tom is still waiting on word from the military and Im tired of waiting. If I can not have my own babies I can at least love some that need loving and take care of a child that needs someone even if its for a short time.

We talked together about if we were strong enough for that. In foster care you can see all sorts of horrible things and you care for a child that will probably be leaving soon. We think that with everything else that we have been through that we can do this together. We are going to find out when the meeting and classes are that we have to attend.

Im sorry that I lied about being sick and then hurting my back. They were a bit of the truth but not the full truth. I didn't want to tell anyone I was pregnant to only have to take it back again. So we kept it mostly to ourselves. I felt like I should also let people know what was going on with us. Orders that are running late because I was afraid to do anything and possibly have a miscarriage. I was so afraid so was Tom and even though we did everything we could it was not enough. There was nothing we could have done differently. At least I dont have to take the heparin and progesterone any more. I do still have 2 weeks supply of both that im not sure what to do with. Im sure someone could use it but I have no idea how I would even go about getting it to them. even that may be illegal I really have no idea.

So the plan now is to find a home that meets our needs. Stop waiting on the military, if it happens it happens but until then we keep going. Get into the foster care program. Build my business. Tom work at his new job and work towards some future there. thats about all we have right now. I have to find some reason for life. I dont know if that makes any since to anyone but me but its how I feel. plans give me some reason and purpose to work towards. we are going to go to a support group meeting in Lexington. I have to find out when they are. I am also get a job for a bit outside of fiber to catch up on money and get life to a steady place.

TTC: another bitter disappointing loss (part 2)

We took the supplements. we took the medication as prescribed. I totally restricted my activities and long car rides. No sexual activity, no over exerting of any type. We did not go to the fiber festival. I did not lift anything heavy. I did not drink coffee. I had no more than 2 cups of caffeine from tea. I rested as I was supposed to. None of it mattered. We still lost the baby.

I started bleeding Monday afternoon and immediately called the dr. I guess I hoped that there was some way they could make it stop. It was too late already and there was probably nothing they could have done anyway. The nurse told me that since I had an appointment for Tuesday that I should just come in them. They also told me to take it easy and try to relax. If the bleeding got worse than one pad an hour to go to the ER. I just cried and cried. I called my sister and my momma. There was nothing they could do either but I just needed to talk to someone. Tom was at work and I didnt want to upset him. He called later at his last break and I cried on the phone to him too. I think I cried the rest of the day. I talked to my mom and sister a few times. I think it actually got to my mom more this time than previously.

The pain and cramping were worse this time. My body was forcibly getting rid of my pregnancy and I could not stop it.

When tom got home we cuddled in bed for a few hours. then i started working for a while and he zoned out on the computer. I dont actually remember Monday night. I think at some point we both started pretending (or hoping) nothing was wrong and that it was just a side effect of the medications. Tom's mom offered to drive me to the Dr on Tuesday. Tom had to work (he is still at the point where any time off will be an automatic firing). He called as often as he could from work.

At the dr 1st I had blood drawn, then a vaginal sonogram, then the dr visit. I forgot I was taking the heparin and I bled through the normal bandage so remind your lab techs if you are on blood thinners. The sonogram was slightly painful and very uncomfortable. The Dr visit started out with the dr saying how sorry he was. I knew then that there was no hope and the baby was gone. I asked him if it was even possible for me to have a baby or if I would just get pregnant and have a miscarriage ever time.

He told me that I have a 50/50 chance of having a viable pregnancy as of all that we know right now. This is lower than most women's chances. He said he wanted to do some genetic testing and he wanted to retest my vitamin levels after I complete the rounds of taking them. He said not to get pregnant until we have all the results in. He said we would have a better chance if we knew that the embryo was viable. My best chances are with In vitro fertilisation (IVF) because then we would at least start with a viable embryo but I would still have all the other issues to go against. (Unicornate Uterus, Factor 5, Vitamin Deficiencies) It is also very expensive and our insurance wont cover it.

He also told me that with out us changing anything I would still have the same 50/50 chance but risk more miscarriages which are devastating on a person and a couple. He told me I am a strong person and I will get through this. He said to not lose hope and that he was very sorry for all the pain and suffering we are going through. He is a really nice man and dr. I am finding it very hard to have hope at this point though. Tom is afraid if we keep trying what it will do to me to have more miscarriages. He is also afraid of what it will do to him. I think that at this point we can do the testing the dr wants and that would tell us if IVF would improve our chances or make surrogacy possible but even that seems like something that is just not in our realm of happening.

TTC: another bitter disappointing loss (part 1)

This is a TTC blog and not a fiber blog. I am writing it in hopes that it will help someone else and because I have to. Some things may be considered graphic or gross so read with caution. (Divided into 2 parts for ease of reading)

I know I have been acting strange lately. It seems there is no help for it these days. We had another miscarriage on Monday Aug 8th, the Dr confirmed it yesterday Aug 9th. We found out we had a positive pregnancy test only on July 27th. The doctor had told me that as soon as I had a positive result I needed an appointment. They immediately put me on Progesterone vaginal suppositories and Heparin injections, both twice daily. The progesterone was to help support the pregnancy and the heparin was for my Factor 5 (clotting) issue. This part is mostly about the 2 medications.

The progesterone was messy and came with no real instructions. You basically insert it as close to the cervix as possible then lay down for 20 minutes. If you have to do this be sure to wear a pad of some sort because it leaks. It is an oil based compound that has to be made when you go in and takes 24 hours to harden. Most pharmacies do not have it or make it. We only found 1 in a several hour radius. It was also not covered by insurance. They came looking like this photo but 5 in a row.

To use these I kept a clean pair of scissors with the bag of progesterone. I would cut off one (careful not to go into the other suppository) and then attempt to open it. Usually I needed the scissors to finish opening it because it would only open the tip so I would have to cut along the seem. Several times the suppository broke in half so be prepared to catch it. It can be difficult to insert. The progesterone made me very moody. I would go from laughing to crying in seconds. I was very irritable. My body ached and I was/am tired. It made me very bloated and uncomfortable. None of my clothes fit around my stomach and crook of my leg (i cut the leg seams of my old underwear to make them bearable to wear) anything that pressed too tight into my stomach hurt and I just could not wear it. Plan for this. have clothes that are too big but soft and not restraining at all. I found some of the Daniskin pants at walmart that are working well for this because they have give but they stay up with out too much pressure on my stomach and they have no zippers to hurt me with wide bands that don't cut into me. Sleep can be difficult because it is hard to find a place that is comfortable as even the soft bed and pillows can hurt.

The heparin came in individual 1ml vials that looked like this and we injected them with insulin needles.

These hurt. They burn so much and you cant touch the area after injecting. They also bruise really badly. My stomach looks like someone has punched me repeatedly. It is not pretty. They tell you to pinch the skin and the in a dart like motion insert the needle at a 45 degree angle. Also remember to not push out the air bubble before injecting like you do with some medications. You need the air bubble to keep the medicine in. Someone recommended to us to try not pinching up the skin and to go very slowly (slower than you think) this technique helped with some of the pain and bruising but not all. Since we were injecting into the stomach there is really no issue of not getting it just under the skin into the fat so the pinching up is not necessary. My husband had to give me the injections because I could not. I wont lie and say that it was easy because they made me cry many times. My skin was much more sensitive and my stomach was bloated from the progesterone. It really bothered him that he had to hurt me. There were times he got really teary eyed or mad and just had to walk away for awhile. If your partner has a similar reaction it is normal. They feel helpless at times too.

(continued in part 2)