Babies, & Marriage continued

I am not always the most rational person. I tend to be very emotional and moody. Tom is more logical and internal. He tends to keep most things bottled up inside. The past few weeks have really made us open up to each other more. After my odd ultimatum Tom started talking to me. He told me he wanted a real marriage with me. He told me he loved me and wanted me. He also told me how he has a hard time talking to me at times. He is just not used to discussing the issues I guess. We both have things we need to work on. I need to relax and not be so wound up all the time. I tend to take on the whole world and then not understand when he doesn't want to do the same thing. He tends to do what he is supposed to do and then just blank out online. When we lost the baby it actually hit Tom pretty hard. I had no idea. He turned to his "online persona" to deal with it. He was afraid of admitting that we had lost someone. He was afraid of what would happen to me if this keeps happening. He felt a bit lost and hopeless and didn't want to fall into it. I do not actually understand all the thoughts in his head but I do know that he did care. I think that we will be able to build a stronger marriage in the future because we both made mistakes, we saw there was a problem and we are working together to move forward.

We have been talking about what having a baby means to us both lately. I am feeling very emotional today because today I started the fertility drug Clomid. It makes you very emotional I guess. I have had crying spurts today and laughing so I am definitely moody. I am filled with hope, with sadness, with fear and thinking of all the things I want and all the things that are. I am glad that me and Tom are together on this. My faith was shaken for a bit and I am really happy to know that he is as dedicated to this as I am. It is good to know that I have a partner who is willing to work with me through the good and bad towards better. We have a good life that we are building here. My workspace is almost complete and then there will really be no issues to interfere with my work. Tom has a job he likes though nailing down the schedule is frustrating him. We have great friends and family.

We are going to have a baby whenever it happens. I know that with all the love and support in my life, our life that when it does happen it will be a good thing. Love to you all.