I enjoy writing and having people read and then respond back to what I have written.

I would really like to build my blog back up. I think that will be a great way for me to work towards my self improvement goals. I can work through some of the things that flutter around in my head. I will dish out some great advice. Yes believe it or not I actually have been known to give good advice a time or two. It goes with the roles I have either been given or chosen to do in life. What can I say? I am who I am and no matter how much I fight it, I always seem to come back to me. The inside will shine through regardless of the superficial changes that I make on the outside trying to hide it or pretend its something different. In the end I have to just learn to love and accept me for me, nothing more, nothing less.

I am trying to build up my Blog, my Facebook pages, and I can;t for get our Adoption Fundraiser page. . Here is my blog link blog http://johannaspalding.blogspot.com/ . Here is my Facebook pages Help us Adopt and Grow Our Family, Ever Improving Me , and Johanna Spalding, Here is the Adoption Fundraiser page Help us Adopt and Grow our Family! Please share my links to on your blogs, Facebook pages, Pinterest  Pretty much any Social Media Site would be great! Also Feel free to post a link here on my blog to your blog or other page & I will be glad to share it on my blog or page as well if you like (just let me know). Please nothing with Extremist views in any direction (religion, politics, etc). I do reserve the right to remove anything offensive.  Thank you! 

Also for anyone who missed it, I am an Ordained Minister and I live in CA in Coronado. I will Perform FREE Wedding Ceremonies for LGBT couples Near San Diego with a valid marriage license. Please Pass this on to couples that are living in CA or are eligible to be married in CA who may benefit from this. I am trying to fight for equality in my own way. Thank you for your support!

Thank you, Johanna

Babies, & Marriage continued

I am not always the most rational person. I tend to be very emotional and moody. Tom is more logical and internal. He tends to keep most things bottled up inside. The past few weeks have really made us open up to each other more. After my odd ultimatum Tom started talking to me. He told me he wanted a real marriage with me. He told me he loved me and wanted me. He also told me how he has a hard time talking to me at times. He is just not used to discussing the issues I guess. We both have things we need to work on. I need to relax and not be so wound up all the time. I tend to take on the whole world and then not understand when he doesn't want to do the same thing. He tends to do what he is supposed to do and then just blank out online. When we lost the baby it actually hit Tom pretty hard. I had no idea. He turned to his "online persona" to deal with it. He was afraid of admitting that we had lost someone. He was afraid of what would happen to me if this keeps happening. He felt a bit lost and hopeless and didn't want to fall into it. I do not actually understand all the thoughts in his head but I do know that he did care. I think that we will be able to build a stronger marriage in the future because we both made mistakes, we saw there was a problem and we are working together to move forward.

We have been talking about what having a baby means to us both lately. I am feeling very emotional today because today I started the fertility drug Clomid. It makes you very emotional I guess. I have had crying spurts today and laughing so I am definitely moody. I am filled with hope, with sadness, with fear and thinking of all the things I want and all the things that are. I am glad that me and Tom are together on this. My faith was shaken for a bit and I am really happy to know that he is as dedicated to this as I am. It is good to know that I have a partner who is willing to work with me through the good and bad towards better. We have a good life that we are building here. My workspace is almost complete and then there will really be no issues to interfere with my work. Tom has a job he likes though nailing down the schedule is frustrating him. We have great friends and family.

We are going to have a baby whenever it happens. I know that with all the love and support in my life, our life that when it does happen it will be a good thing. Love to you all.

Lately all I see everywhere are babies & pregnant women

For months my husband and I have been trying to get pregnant. We did and then lost the baby in December. This has been on my mind a lot lately. Unfortunately several of my friends are also having their own losses. I know that this is all a part of life but it does not make it any less sad to me. When it happened to me I felt all alone. My husband did not seem to take it seriously at all at the time. To me I thought he just did not care and I was torn apart by it. It seemed like the more I tried to make him care or talk to me the less he wanted to. We started arguing a lot and I honestly thought he had no interest in having a child with me or in even being with me.

I decided to take matters into my own hands and I guess he was doing the same. He was trying to work through his feelings by talking to people he knew in the past online. I tried to talk to him about having a baby again and he would just not talk to me about it at all. I decided to buy fertility drugs. I am 32 with our 4th anniversary this month and my 33 birthday next month. I really felt time pressing in on me. I guess I was just pushing him more away and he was spending more time online having conversations with other women who I guess he felt were more sympathetic than me. When I found out I was very hurt that he was having these intimate conversations with women. He would not even talk to me about a baby but he was fine talking about sex and babies with others. I just did not understand it at all. He did not think there was an issue at all until I found out about it. I got so mad at first that I packed up his computer and was going to mail the cords to my momma. I threatened leaving him or making him just go. I cried a lot and he got upset too.

Finally I told him I really just needed to know what he wanted out of our relationship and what he felt was fine so that I knew what to expect for the rest of our relationship. I had come to the realization that I did love him and that I did not want to leave him. I wanted to have his baby but I was willing to move to more of a 2 people who live together and have sex and a child but basically have their own lives beyond that. I told him all of this. I was just tired of being hurt because I had expectations that he just did not have or believe in. I told him that in the way I saw it I could have sex with him but I would not longer be intimate with him. I would not share that with anyone. I would basically draw a line of what I would give to him and what I would keep separate. I was not willing to share intimacy with someone who felt it was ok to be intimate with other women. I also told him that I planned to start the fertility drugs this month as long as he was willing because what I really wanted out of our marriage was a baby. I pretty much broke it down to cold hard logic at least as I saw it.

His options from this point forward would be (as I saw them):
* Continue on as he had been online moving to more of a relationship of convenience with me for sex to have a baby, sharing financial burden, but no longer having an actual "relationship" with me
* He could pack up and leave doing what ever he wanted
* We could work on a relationship built on love, trust, and communication and he would no longer have intimate conversations with other women or avoid real issues with me by turning to others

Continued on next blog.