My thoughts on the noise and silence in my head

I need to take some time to actually write on this blog. I have all these words that tumble around in my brain almost nonstop.. that is until I sit down to actually write and then the silence suddenly is all I hear. It is not a peaceful, resting, quiet silence. No this is the heavy silence that lets you know there really is something there, you just can't hear it or see it right now. This silence is an eerie that leaves you feeling very unsettled. You will find yourself rubbing your arms briskly and wishing you had worn your sweater.

Of course once I close the laptop or put down my pen/pencil and paper my mind will be instantly filled with the noise once again. There are times I feel like the incessant noise in my mind will not let up and if I don't get what is there out it will drive me insane. Sometimes I wonder how I am not already there. It is so jumbled and there are so many many voices to the past that need sorted. There are ideas, pictures or music that pulse through me and fill me with raw emotion.  I want to be able to share what I see or hear in my mind but I don't know how. I have tried to explain to others some of the things but they make no sense to someone who can not see, hear, or feel it the way I am. I feel like the brilliance gets lost and becomes nothing. I become nothing.

 I know this happens to other people and I am not alone in this. There are so many people who want to bring to life what it is they see, feel, hear and struggle. There are those who want to just get the noise out of their heads, make it stop, make it go away. There are those who wonder what peace and quiet really feels like as I do. Every so often I am lucky and for a little while I will actually get to have something that make some sense not only to me but they have arranged themselves in such a way that I can coax them out of my head and into something that I can share with the world. Those times are both the best and the worst. I feel exalted that I was able to bring something to life. I feel terrified it will be so picked apart and critiqued that there will be nothing of the art or the dream left in it. I dread how the world will tear it down and try to make it into nothing, or into something that fits a predetermined mold only as if there is no room for anything or anyone different.

I am not taking this lying down!

I refuse to just give up on my dreams, on our dreams. We talked about it last night. I plan on calling Navy Legal today to see if there is anything we can do. Also we have decided to just pursue other avenues for foster care. I feel I have been discriminated against unfairly due to my physical and mental conditions both of which I have a pretty good handle on. Flimsy excuses were given. I was not given a chance to even defend myself. I was also told it is against California state law to discriminate against us for those reasons. No I will not take this lying down.

Today I was told that the foster care agency was not the right one for us.

I am feeling a deep sadness right now. I feel let down. I feel lied to. I feel like my heart is breaking again. Am I ever going to have children in my life? Am I just destined to always be on the outside looking in seeing what everyone else has and I will never have? I know these are very emotional responses and reactions that I am having as I just got the news.

I got the call a few minutes ago. I turned my physical paperwork in last week. I was honest as requested. I was told that the state of California did not allow the agency to discriminate against potential foster parents for documented physical or mental illnesses. They must determine that the child will have an environment that is stabile, safe, fosters growth and improvement for the child in a caring environment. I was certain that would not be an issue and that they would see that once they talked to me. I was scared but reassured that I would have the opportunity to go over everything with the Social workers during the Home Study Process. I had already begun gathering extra references in case they were needed.

Today they told me that they had discussed my physical with the Adoption Social Worker and the Director of the Agency and they had decided because my prognosis was "Fair" that they were not the best fit for us. Then they said they were sorry and asked if I had any questions. At first I was in shock so I said no I understood, because I did. I knew they took a look at some of the things written but not all of them. I tried to call back after a few minutes but had to leave a VM. I asked if it made any difference that every Doctor I have vouched for me saying they believed I would be a wonderful foster parent and adoptive parent. Every person I have ever Nannied for would also vouch for me if I was able to get in touch with them I am certain. The few I did reach already had agreed. I just feel I was not really given a fair chance. All we want to do is to have children but it seems like a dream that is getting harder as we go along.

I enjoy writing and having people read and then respond back to what I have written.

I would really like to build my blog back up. I think that will be a great way for me to work towards my self improvement goals. I can work through some of the things that flutter around in my head. I will dish out some great advice. Yes believe it or not I actually have been known to give good advice a time or two. It goes with the roles I have either been given or chosen to do in life. What can I say? I am who I am and no matter how much I fight it, I always seem to come back to me. The inside will shine through regardless of the superficial changes that I make on the outside trying to hide it or pretend its something different. In the end I have to just learn to love and accept me for me, nothing more, nothing less.

I am trying to build up my Blog, my Facebook pages, and I can;t for get our Adoption Fundraiser page. . Here is my blog link blog http://johannaspalding.blogspot.com/ . Here is my Facebook pages Help us Adopt and Grow Our Family, Ever Improving Me , and Johanna Spalding, Here is the Adoption Fundraiser page Help us Adopt and Grow our Family! Please share my links to on your blogs, Facebook pages, Pinterest  Pretty much any Social Media Site would be great! Also Feel free to post a link here on my blog to your blog or other page & I will be glad to share it on my blog or page as well if you like (just let me know). Please nothing with Extremist views in any direction (religion, politics, etc). I do reserve the right to remove anything offensive.  Thank you! 

Also for anyone who missed it, I am an Ordained Minister and I live in CA in Coronado. I will Perform FREE Wedding Ceremonies for LGBT couples Near San Diego with a valid marriage license. Please Pass this on to couples that are living in CA or are eligible to be married in CA who may benefit from this. I am trying to fight for equality in my own way. Thank you for your support!

Thank you, Johanna