My life - Part 3 - Potentially triggering

Potentially triggering content. Please do not read if you might be triggered. Thank you.

I have to say here and now that I am lucky. I have very supportive friends and family to some extent. Without them, I honestly would have died a long time ago. Even typing this feels so shameful. I worry what people will think when they read these words. What are they now thinking of me. I imagine the thoughts can not be very good or kind towards me. I am afraid people will say this is a cry for attention, that I am stupid, that I am lazy, that I am worthless, that I should just die and stop whining. I imagine so many horrible things, partially because I have been told each of these things at one point in my life or another.

The people were typically someone I loved, though I also heard it from doctors, and "friends". Even my husband told me he could not be with someone with my mental illness and physical disabilities. He believed I would ruin his career. He honestly could not deal with or handle me. It broke me when he told me these things and other things. I was so broken I have still not recovered from it. I realize now that some of what he said was simply because he was lashing out, he was hurting, and he wanted to hurt me. It is painful for the other person if you are in a relationship. The pains and mental anguish those that love us suffer is probably unbearable. I understand because there are times I would not want to live with me. I can understand why others would want to avoid me. Knowing that still does not take away the pain I feel.

I try to do good things and be a good person, but always on the inside I feel it is never enough. I feel like I am a bad person. I feel I am being punished in some way for something I don't even know. It is hard to understand why I must feel so much pain when others seem to just roll with life's blows. It shames me that I can not be like other people. I feel guilty that others even have to tolerate my presence at times. I try to just keep the body going and pray that the mind and spirit will eventually catch up. I have been merely surviving for years. I feel like somewhere along the way I just stopped living. I don't know how to start again. 

The state of my life lately - Part 2 - Potentially triggering

This post may be potentially triggering & to graphic for some. If you feel you might be triggered please do not read. More under the photo. Thank you.

 I woke up so ashamed and filled with guilt. I have been afraid to speak about it. I have decided I am through hiding.

I have been suffering, with depression, anxiety, and pain. I have felt the need to hide away from everyone and everything. The shame and guilt I feel are so deeply rooted. Even writing this blog makes my panic start. I feel the pain in my chest. My breathing is harder. My eyes are watering and I have started to shake. The panic I feel is not a passive or passing thing. It is very real. I am writing this because I know others feel this too. I want you to know you are not alone in your suffering.

I understand what it is like to feel panic so deeply that it hurts. Panic causes us to avoid people, places, situations.. anything that could trigger us. Still the panic comes. I don't know why it has to happen. I don't understand why I have to feel this way all the time. Most times when I interact with others, I put on the happy social Johanna. This Johanna is easy to talk to and does not make others feel uncomfortable. If I am the real Johanna people have no idea how to respond. It is hard to deal with a person who shakes and cries when she feels extreme anxiety and panic. People would rather hear everything is fine.

Everything is not fine though. It has not been fine in a very long time. I suffer from Chronic PTSD, Anxiety, Depression, and DID. Those are just my mental disabilities. Physically I suffer from Chronic Pain due to ongoing injuries sustained as a child through early adulthood. I also have Peripheral Neuralgia in my head, neck, arms, and legs. I have been labeled with Fibromyalgia. The pain I feel on a daily basis is severe and depressing. There are many times I don't want to live my life in pain. Between my anxiety, depression, did, and pain I have ended up in the hospital many times.

I have scars that I have no way to hide. I feel they brand me. Label me for anyone who looks at me. My scars shame me. I hate them. These are only the scars people see, the ones they don't see shame me even more. I feel deeply ashamed that I can not be "normal". I feel guilty that even though life is looking up I stay so very depressed. I pray for it all to end at times, not even knowing what I want to end. It is a horrible thing to wake up, at home or in the hospital and realize you have tried to take your own life. The thing that shames me most is the regret I feel when the attempts have failed. Sometimes waking up is so unbearable. The weight of my depression crushes me.

Continued in part 3.

The state of my life lately - Part 1

So life constantly stays in flux. I realize now that when I decided I would reopen my shop I was extremely idealistic. I was totally unprepared, thinking I could open with my shoestring budget.That is why the date of the opening keeps being pushed back. I have a lot of personal things happening in my life that have caused me stress and mental anguish. I am going through a painful divorce, to a man I had once believed I would spend my life with. I have been through the wringer these past 2 years. I am finally feeling both hopeful that it should be over completely by March and also deeply saddened by the loss not just of a husband, but of the life we planned. It has not been easy.

I wanted to reopen my fiber arts business for so many reasons. I wanted to make art again. I wanted to have the fiber community back. I wanted my life to restart in any way possible. I believed starting my business again would give me that fresh start. I have had so many unexpected (and unplanned for) issues that at times I have wondered was any of it even worth it.

I have come to realize the fiber arts business that was not the problem. The problem lies with me, my spirit, my will, and my drive. I had completely given up, more than once. I have grown so depressed that at times I could literally do nothing more than lie in bed, fearing if I got up I would do something I would regret. So I hid away, from the people in my life, and from myself. I actually ended up in the hospital several times. I woke up so ashamed and filled with guilt. I have been afraid to speak about it. I have decided I am through hiding.

Part 2 will have more graphic details and could potentially be triggering. If you feel you may be triggered please do not read Part 2.