Setting goals and feeling better

Hello all,
As you may well know lately I have been suffering depression, anxiety, and nightmares. I have been under a lot of stress as well, I have found that reaching out to the community of online friends has helped. I have talked to more people online, and chatting on my phone. Little by little I am improving. I have set some small goals to try to achieve daily to help me pull myself up and out of this depression.

When I wake up in the morning, I usually turn on my kettle to make a cup of tea. The goals I have set are as follows. While the water is heating, I will put away the clean dishes from the dishwasher. After I have filled my cup while my tea is steeping, I will put on a load of clothes to be washed. My last goal for the morning is to blog while I drink my tea. These may seem like very small goals but for me it is difficult some mornings to even put the kettle on. That is why I have decided regardless of how I feel, I want to do these 3 goals each morning.

I hope that these goals once firmly established will help me start developing a routine of sorts. I plan on trying what is called 'Opposite Action' as one of my tools to lead a less depressed life. Opposite action basically means feeling one way, but 'Choosing' to do the thing you don't feel like doing, even if it is hard. Now don't start with a huge opposite action. You want your goals attainable. The mind sees each achievement as a success and feels encouraged, regardless of the size, a tiny achievement or a huge one weighs the same to your mind.

For that reason start off with small, tiny, baby steps. Build your confidence and courage slowly. Your depression will improve. This will not happen overnight, but you will start having better days if you do this. So go, have that cup of coffee with friends or see that ballgame. Do something outside of your home at least 1 time every week. You will start feeling better. This is my hope for myself and for you all.

Love & Hugs,
Johanna

My life - Part 3 - Potentially triggering

Potentially triggering content. Please do not read if you might be triggered. Thank you.

I have to say here and now that I am lucky. I have very supportive friends and family to some extent. Without them, I honestly would have died a long time ago. Even typing this feels so shameful. I worry what people will think when they read these words. What are they now thinking of me. I imagine the thoughts can not be very good or kind towards me. I am afraid people will say this is a cry for attention, that I am stupid, that I am lazy, that I am worthless, that I should just die and stop whining. I imagine so many horrible things, partially because I have been told each of these things at one point in my life or another.

The people were typically someone I loved, though I also heard it from doctors, and "friends". Even my husband told me he could not be with someone with my mental illness and physical disabilities. He believed I would ruin his career. He honestly could not deal with or handle me. It broke me when he told me these things and other things. I was so broken I have still not recovered from it. I realize now that some of what he said was simply because he was lashing out, he was hurting, and he wanted to hurt me. It is painful for the other person if you are in a relationship. The pains and mental anguish those that love us suffer is probably unbearable. I understand because there are times I would not want to live with me. I can understand why others would want to avoid me. Knowing that still does not take away the pain I feel.

I try to do good things and be a good person, but always on the inside I feel it is never enough. I feel like I am a bad person. I feel I am being punished in some way for something I don't even know. It is hard to understand why I must feel so much pain when others seem to just roll with life's blows. It shames me that I can not be like other people. I feel guilty that others even have to tolerate my presence at times. I try to just keep the body going and pray that the mind and spirit will eventually catch up. I have been merely surviving for years. I feel like somewhere along the way I just stopped living. I don't know how to start again. 

The state of my life lately - Part 2 - Potentially triggering

This post may be potentially triggering & to graphic for some. If you feel you might be triggered please do not read. More under the photo. Thank you.

 I woke up so ashamed and filled with guilt. I have been afraid to speak about it. I have decided I am through hiding.

I have been suffering, with depression, anxiety, and pain. I have felt the need to hide away from everyone and everything. The shame and guilt I feel are so deeply rooted. Even writing this blog makes my panic start. I feel the pain in my chest. My breathing is harder. My eyes are watering and I have started to shake. The panic I feel is not a passive or passing thing. It is very real. I am writing this because I know others feel this too. I want you to know you are not alone in your suffering.

I understand what it is like to feel panic so deeply that it hurts. Panic causes us to avoid people, places, situations.. anything that could trigger us. Still the panic comes. I don't know why it has to happen. I don't understand why I have to feel this way all the time. Most times when I interact with others, I put on the happy social Johanna. This Johanna is easy to talk to and does not make others feel uncomfortable. If I am the real Johanna people have no idea how to respond. It is hard to deal with a person who shakes and cries when she feels extreme anxiety and panic. People would rather hear everything is fine.

Everything is not fine though. It has not been fine in a very long time. I suffer from Chronic PTSD, Anxiety, Depression, and DID. Those are just my mental disabilities. Physically I suffer from Chronic Pain due to ongoing injuries sustained as a child through early adulthood. I also have Peripheral Neuralgia in my head, neck, arms, and legs. I have been labeled with Fibromyalgia. The pain I feel on a daily basis is severe and depressing. There are many times I don't want to live my life in pain. Between my anxiety, depression, did, and pain I have ended up in the hospital many times.

I have scars that I have no way to hide. I feel they brand me. Label me for anyone who looks at me. My scars shame me. I hate them. These are only the scars people see, the ones they don't see shame me even more. I feel deeply ashamed that I can not be "normal". I feel guilty that even though life is looking up I stay so very depressed. I pray for it all to end at times, not even knowing what I want to end. It is a horrible thing to wake up, at home or in the hospital and realize you have tried to take your own life. The thing that shames me most is the regret I feel when the attempts have failed. Sometimes waking up is so unbearable. The weight of my depression crushes me.

Continued in part 3.