The state of my life lately - Part 2 - Potentially triggering

This post may be potentially triggering & to graphic for some. If you feel you might be triggered please do not read. More under the photo. Thank you.

 I woke up so ashamed and filled with guilt. I have been afraid to speak about it. I have decided I am through hiding.

I have been suffering, with depression, anxiety, and pain. I have felt the need to hide away from everyone and everything. The shame and guilt I feel are so deeply rooted. Even writing this blog makes my panic start. I feel the pain in my chest. My breathing is harder. My eyes are watering and I have started to shake. The panic I feel is not a passive or passing thing. It is very real. I am writing this because I know others feel this too. I want you to know you are not alone in your suffering.

I understand what it is like to feel panic so deeply that it hurts. Panic causes us to avoid people, places, situations.. anything that could trigger us. Still the panic comes. I don't know why it has to happen. I don't understand why I have to feel this way all the time. Most times when I interact with others, I put on the happy social Johanna. This Johanna is easy to talk to and does not make others feel uncomfortable. If I am the real Johanna people have no idea how to respond. It is hard to deal with a person who shakes and cries when she feels extreme anxiety and panic. People would rather hear everything is fine.

Everything is not fine though. It has not been fine in a very long time. I suffer from Chronic PTSD, Anxiety, Depression, and DID. Those are just my mental disabilities. Physically I suffer from Chronic Pain due to ongoing injuries sustained as a child through early adulthood. I also have Peripheral Neuralgia in my head, neck, arms, and legs. I have been labeled with Fibromyalgia. The pain I feel on a daily basis is severe and depressing. There are many times I don't want to live my life in pain. Between my anxiety, depression, did, and pain I have ended up in the hospital many times.

I have scars that I have no way to hide. I feel they brand me. Label me for anyone who looks at me. My scars shame me. I hate them. These are only the scars people see, the ones they don't see shame me even more. I feel deeply ashamed that I can not be "normal". I feel guilty that even though life is looking up I stay so very depressed. I pray for it all to end at times, not even knowing what I want to end. It is a horrible thing to wake up, at home or in the hospital and realize you have tried to take your own life. The thing that shames me most is the regret I feel when the attempts have failed. Sometimes waking up is so unbearable. The weight of my depression crushes me.

Continued in part 3.

I have decided I need to update my shop more often

This means I should be working smarter to accomplish more. This last week I got a bit of a setback. I am not used to wood stoves. That is what we have out in the garage which is also my workspace. So in the process of trying to start a fire I started a fire. See what I did is set some wood on top of the stove while I tried to get the fire started because it was wet. Then I went inside for 20 to give it some time. I came outside and opened the garage door to a white filled garage. I immediately went over to the stove and the wood I put on top of it was now on fire.

I put on my wood gloves and opened the stove and tossed them inside. Then I propped the garage door open and thought about what else to do. Since I was starting to not feel well I went outside for a min to get some air. I decided that if I opened the big garage door it would help to get the smoke out.. and i needed it out because I was worried about my stuff. So after being outside for maybe 45 seconds I headed back inside and tried to open the garage door. It started but then went back down because the big 500lb stove that my friend bought but has not gotten to put in the house yet was stopping it. Me in my rational thinking new that I needed to move it. I went over and jerked it away from the garage door and then finally I was able to open it.

That helped a lot because a lot of the smoke started exiting through the big door. This is when I noticed my husbands computer monitor hanging from the ceiling because it had been plugged in on the ceiling under where the garage door went over. I ran over to it and grabbed the monitor and unplugged it from my end. Then it was time for another trip back outside to get some air.

I went back in about a minute later and turned the fan on and started waving a towel around to push out the smoke. It cleared out mostly and thats when my husband called me back and my roommate got there. we closed up the doors and I moved all my stuff into my bedroom so it would be out of the garage. Its all in plastic bins but I was still worried about it. It still smells too much like smoke for me in the garage. I am going to try to air it better on monday.