I am not taking this lying down!

I refuse to just give up on my dreams, on our dreams. We talked about it last night. I plan on calling Navy Legal today to see if there is anything we can do. Also we have decided to just pursue other avenues for foster care. I feel I have been discriminated against unfairly due to my physical and mental conditions both of which I have a pretty good handle on. Flimsy excuses were given. I was not given a chance to even defend myself. I was also told it is against California state law to discriminate against us for those reasons. No I will not take this lying down.

Today I was told that the foster care agency was not the right one for us.

I am feeling a deep sadness right now. I feel let down. I feel lied to. I feel like my heart is breaking again. Am I ever going to have children in my life? Am I just destined to always be on the outside looking in seeing what everyone else has and I will never have? I know these are very emotional responses and reactions that I am having as I just got the news.

I got the call a few minutes ago. I turned my physical paperwork in last week. I was honest as requested. I was told that the state of California did not allow the agency to discriminate against potential foster parents for documented physical or mental illnesses. They must determine that the child will have an environment that is stabile, safe, fosters growth and improvement for the child in a caring environment. I was certain that would not be an issue and that they would see that once they talked to me. I was scared but reassured that I would have the opportunity to go over everything with the Social workers during the Home Study Process. I had already begun gathering extra references in case they were needed.

Today they told me that they had discussed my physical with the Adoption Social Worker and the Director of the Agency and they had decided because my prognosis was "Fair" that they were not the best fit for us. Then they said they were sorry and asked if I had any questions. At first I was in shock so I said no I understood, because I did. I knew they took a look at some of the things written but not all of them. I tried to call back after a few minutes but had to leave a VM. I asked if it made any difference that every Doctor I have vouched for me saying they believed I would be a wonderful foster parent and adoptive parent. Every person I have ever Nannied for would also vouch for me if I was able to get in touch with them I am certain. The few I did reach already had agreed. I just feel I was not really given a fair chance. All we want to do is to have children but it seems like a dream that is getting harder as we go along.

I have decided to Liquidate my Business, Ever Improving Me, explanations in blog.

After some careful consideration of what my needs are for the future and where we see ourselves headed I have decided to liquidate my business. The funds will be put into our adoption/surrogacy fund. I was going to keep my stuff for awhile because I thought I would get back to where I used to be and start dyeing, carding, sewing, selling again. Unfortunately that will not be happening.

The truth is that I am in too much physical pain. It is getting a lot better than it was the past  4 months.  I am still working towards improvement but that is going to be a long journey. Realistically I no longer have the ability to lift heavy dye pots or wet wool & yarn for long periods of time. Turning my carder handle for hours on end used to be easy. I would get going and lose all track of time, but not any more. When I  make my batts I tend to stand bent over for hours. I piece together my fibers all the while hauling buckets from shelves; lifting them up and down as I shift them around looking for the right thing to put in them. When I have attempted to do that I am terribly disappointed by my lack of stamina and pain tolerance. I am not able to sit at a spinning wheel for hours on end spinning the bulky yarns that I sell in the shop or use for myself any longer. I am also not able to drop spindle more than 15-20 minutes. It is a major blow to my self esteem. I am working to improve it and to accept that this is just my new reality at this time.

My business took hours of work. Hard work. If I want to get healthier, and have less pain I have to choose to let my business go. We want to have children. I want to enjoy having children. I don't want to feel angry and sad and frustrated about a business that I just have no time, energy, pain tolerance, or physical abilities to perform any longer. It is better to let it go now. To give myself time to accept this and to heal. I also hope that I will be able to move back into a space of finding the joy in the hobby side of the craft rather than the business side. I will begin going through my inventory this month but its probably going to be a slow process. I will probably start building a list of the things that I have  available by the end of this month. I may put them in my artfire shop, I think I still have it. I will also have a list here on my blog, & one of my friends may help handle the inventory liquidation for me. It makes me pretty sad. I have to be honest. I loved my business. I loved the people I met. I love fiber, I love yarn,  love color, but I believe this is the best decision for me and my family at this time.

Thank you for reading, Johanna

I enjoy writing and having people read and then respond back to what I have written.

I would really like to build my blog back up. I think that will be a great way for me to work towards my self improvement goals. I can work through some of the things that flutter around in my head. I will dish out some great advice. Yes believe it or not I actually have been known to give good advice a time or two. It goes with the roles I have either been given or chosen to do in life. What can I say? I am who I am and no matter how much I fight it, I always seem to come back to me. The inside will shine through regardless of the superficial changes that I make on the outside trying to hide it or pretend its something different. In the end I have to just learn to love and accept me for me, nothing more, nothing less.

I am trying to build up my Blog, my Facebook pages, and I can;t for get our Adoption Fundraiser page. . Here is my blog link blog http://johannaspalding.blogspot.com/ . Here is my Facebook pages Help us Adopt and Grow Our Family, Ever Improving Me , and Johanna Spalding, Here is the Adoption Fundraiser page Help us Adopt and Grow our Family! Please share my links to on your blogs, Facebook pages, Pinterest  Pretty much any Social Media Site would be great! Also Feel free to post a link here on my blog to your blog or other page & I will be glad to share it on my blog or page as well if you like (just let me know). Please nothing with Extremist views in any direction (religion, politics, etc). I do reserve the right to remove anything offensive.  Thank you! 

Also for anyone who missed it, I am an Ordained Minister and I live in CA in Coronado. I will Perform FREE Wedding Ceremonies for LGBT couples Near San Diego with a valid marriage license. Please Pass this on to couples that are living in CA or are eligible to be married in CA who may benefit from this. I am trying to fight for equality in my own way. Thank you for your support!

Thank you, Johanna