Past but not forgotten.

From the very moment I first heard your voice, I knew you were someone I wanted in my life. A short time later we actually met in person. I felt so at ease and safe with you that I invited you in.

My world had become so isolated and painful. I struggled daily to just survive and exist. I believed my life was near its end. You reminded me that I was very much alive. We spent hours talking, laughing and hanging out.

You saved me. You returned color and warmth to my life. I started living again. I will always cherish the time we had together. Sometimes I wish I could go back to that place, back to the beginning. I do not know if I would do anything differently. I would probably just be glad to see you again. I miss you. 

The Blindness We Have as a People

What is there but we choose not see

   It amazes me to this day how blind we as a people can be. We walk down the streets and we don’t even see the homeless, the suffering. We hear the yells and screams at times but somehow they just mean nothing. We don’t get involved. It is not our place to interfere so we have told ourselves so often that nothing affects us at all anymore. We have become blind.

   The problem with being blind is atrocities are still happening all around us. They could even happen to us. Then we would truly understand what it means to have no one see when you need them. It is time we open our eyes and start seeing what is actually there. Notice the man who lays by wall shivering with the sign. See the lady in complex who always wears sunglasses and is “clumsy” getting bruised often. See the kids who look half starved. See people, see your world and then decide if you still want to pretend you see nothing.

   We can pretend it’s not a problem. At least it is not your problem because surely someone else will fix it. You can believe that if you need to hold onto that belief in order to sleep comfortably in your bed at night. In reality you know that no one is going to do anything differently. Tomorrow everything will just be just the same as it was today. People as a whole like to believe that someone else will fix it. Most people are walking around with this belief.  If everyone believes someone else will fix the the problem, then who is left to fix anything? You can choose to continue to be blind to the world or you can choose to act.

   You can talk to the lady about domestic violence. You can offer to go with her to places for help. You can call the police when you hear the screams. You can give the man on the street a blanket. You can volunteer to provide breakfast for those kids you see always hungry. You have a lot of choices. The choices are all around you, all you have to do is pick one.

   Once you have decided to see the world, you can choose to help in any way that suits you best. One person can not fix everything themselves. Trying to take it all on would be too much; that is the truth. For every one person who chooses to do something to help, you are at least making a difference in a way that was possible for you. You can advocate for more people to look around at this world we live in, in our very own neighborhoods. We can choose to lose our blindness as people. We can choose to stop walking around as if nothing was wrong, the world is perfect place. We can choose to open our eyes. Once your eyes are open, the rest is up to you.

Smelly House Slippers (Sells Pitch for something awful)

Smelly House Slippers
	

Aroma, Cushion, Comfort, Style - Smelly House Slippers will be the last pair of slippers you will ever buy again!

Each and every pair of Smelly House Slippers has been well loved. They will be coming already worn in just for you!

* No one likes to put on a stiff pair of house shoes! * 

     When I slip on a pair a house slippers I want them to mold right to my feet and be comfortable. With Smelly House Slipper the mold is guaranteed, adding just a bit more cushion to your precious feet. We have worked hard to cultivate our patented aroma. You will feel like you have had these shoes forever. They quickly feel like your old favorite slippers, because now they really are!

     There is nothing like that moment when you walk in your front door. You pull off the shoes that have been pinching your feet all day. Your feet are hurting. You are tired. You just want a break. Simply step into Smelly House Slippers and suddenly your feet feel relaxed. You feel more energized. You are now ready to face whatever comes your way tonight! Smelly House Slippers are like no other house shoe you have tried before.

     -- Order your pair today. There are only 3 easy installments of $19.95 (plus taxes and shipping) but don’t worry your slippers will ship out immediately. Just imagine the relaxation you are going to feel. Act now, supplies are limited!!

Started a new blog radio show it is me being real & I hope you read the blog and then listen in thanks

I have started a new Blogtalkradio show. It is called Life's Lessons & Extreme Content. Here is the link
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/everimprovingme

You can call in (347) 843-4325 and dissuss the topic that was picked for the day. There is also a chat that happens at the same time if you do not feel comfortable calling. Finally you can email me questions
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/everimprovingme#
at least it says I can get messages there so give it a try if you want. For the first time in my life I am merging my hidden DID world with my other world. It is time.

I also have a Facebook page that I would love for you to like and comment on it.
https://www.facebook.com/EIMLifesLessonsExtremeContent
I am hoping to have some help in coming up with topics to cover. I also have not set a time of day. The cool thing is that I can do this every day. My thoughts are kind of going towards having differnt days wth diffent times to accomedate people better. I would love to hear thoughts on this as well. So please feel free to go to my page and follow my radio show and like my fb page.

It's the end of the World as we know it.. aren't I odd! Thoughts on Resurrection, Organ Donation, and Dark Humor

Even though I just put this in the title I feel I should put it again. This is not for the faint of heart or weak of stomach. It involves odd topics of conversation covering the Resurrection, Organ Donation and Dark Humor. Read at your own damn risk. If you do not like it, to damn bad! I suggest you post in the comments below and let the author know exactly how you feel. She will take every word into careful consideration before filing into appropriate filing repository.   

  So I was talking with my roommate as I tend to do, talking that is. I think I had somehow mentioned cremation. Well, he said it was better than being an organ donor. This sort of surprised me as he is in the medical field. He had good reasoning though. See he filled me in on some details I had previously missed out on in Sunday school as a child. In some faiths at the time of the Rapture, those who have passed away will be brought back whole. Now think this through carefully. We sure did.
     This is where he sold me on it. He said if you were an organ donor all your bits, pieces and parts are going to be all over the place. To get back to make a "whole you" it will take some work. First the parts will have to be pulled or ripped from where they are currently taking up space. *icky sounding even just in my head* Second all these various body parts and organs are going to have to find their true home, probably by flying through the air "spiritually." I know exactly what your thoughts are at this point because I know what my initial reaction was.
     It is going to be EXACTLY like Disney's FANTASIA! Only instead of sparkles and cleaning paraphernalia flying through the air, with blatant racism, and cartoons drawn by those extremely high on something hallucinogenic (shrooms?) you end up with something a bit different. What you get will be organs and body parts leaving a bloody mess everywhere! Still I am pretty sure there will be lots of racism because we cannot seem to have organized religion without it. Furthermore, I am sorry to say, but there will be no cartoons. The last one is disappointing, but when you have freaking organs ripping out of this person, zooming down the block and hoping a ride before deciding, nope still the wrong body, exceptions must happen. Oh, now more than ever I cannot wait for the resurrection to occur.  Popcorn anyone?

Sticks & Stones.. but Words will always haunt me

Sometimes I feel like I am so different on the inside that over time bits of it just keep leaking out. No matter how hard I tried to fit in, I wasn’t able to fit in anywhere for very long. I was too “Me". We are all told to be ourselves but no one actually expects that "yourself” will be anything different than what everyone else is. We are groomed to be just like each other in our area. We are told to think alike, believe alike, act alike and look alike. When we are anything other than what is considered “Normal” in a certain area it it seen as something Wrong. This happens regardless of the reason, be it genetic, spiritual, finances or rebellion. Yes there are a lot more reasons why you could be “Not Normal”; I was just going with some of the basics here that effected me.

I was so very much not like any of the other people around me. I was terribly shy. We were very poor, in an already low economic region. I had trouble completing school work in first grade although I was very very smart. I was put into special ed. I was later moved into Gifted class. I made the unfortunate mistake of absolutely falling in love with color. I went to my first day of first grade with hot pink hair and a bright orange shirt. I thought it was terrific. I was the girl who colored out side of the lines. I asked Why and fully expected actual answers. I was extremely curious. I had a hard time talking to others ever really. I had things I needed to hide always. I was fiercely protective of my siblings. I hand a strong sense of right and wrong. When things did not fall into the “Right” category I spoke up and did something about it. I was a sickly girl, not really sick but not really well. My stomach hurt always. I had bladder issues that didn’t get fixed until I had surgery at about 10 or so. I had my first crush in preschool - didn’t get kissed until at some point in high school (once) & then not again until I graduated & that was on a blind date. I lived in a lot of fear constantly but I also had to be the strong one.

 Eventually I learned to put up an outside that showed nothing touching me. People could laugh, make fun, tease, worse.. and I did my best to not let anyone know how badly it really effected me. I learned to make costumes from hand me downs from my mom who was fantastic at sewing and making them. I wore them at random times. When I would wear a costume, I learned I could be anyone and do anything. I joined the drama clubs for that reason, plus wearing costumes was a lot of fun. I learned that alcohol dulls pain - both physical and mental. I learned to ignore the things I could not remember. I learned to fight harder. I did not stop struggling. I did not lay down and die. I kept finding ways into and out of trouble. I joined a rock & roll band to learn how to talk to guys; I already knew how to talk to the girls ;). I worked in the cafeteria to get food. I read tarot at school. I took advanced classes & I graduated a year ahead. I also missed a lot of time off school when I was a kid and then at 16 I was in the hospital for 6 weeks. It was actually the easiest part of teenage years. I changed a few laws in my time & made some (a lot) of people angry. 

I grew up in different small rural towns in the south. Some of them more rural than others. It was very obvious I did not fit it, at all. I have heard a steady stream of statements in my time. Some good and some bad. In it all I have tried to see the truth in it all without being crushed under the weight of depression. I have always tried to maintain hope while preparing for the worst. Here are some of them:

You are so weird. You are a goodie-two-shoes. You are so odd. You are strange, stay away from me. She is just a loner. She is a bitch. She is so smart she thinks She is better than everyone else.  She is antisocial.  She is an alcoholic. She is a liar. She is nothing but white trash. You are an idiot. You are nothing. You are no good for anyone. You are very wise. You are the kind of girl you try all the kinky things with but I wouldn't marry you. She is someone's wife. She is a hippie. She is so abusive. She is a lesbian. You are a whore. You are a druggie. She is a witch. She goes to raves all the time.  She was abused at home its no wonder she turned out like that. She has lost so much weight, shakes, and is being really defensive - She is definitely on drugs! She likes being alone. You are so stupid. She dresses so funny. She is so sweet. She is very nice. She deserves love. She deserves all the shit that she gets. She is a damn crybaby. She is spineless. She refuses to back down from a fight, is she insane? She is such a loudmouth. She is too Fat. She is too Skinny.  She is a nobody. She is going nowhere in life. She will never amount to anything. She will be a doctor someday. She is going to be another pregnant dropout you mark my words. She is crazy. You are crazy. You are special. You are ugly. You are beautiful. You are going to die tonight bitch. You are so sexy. You have no sense of humor. You are so funny. No one will ever love you because you are nothing. You will be loved all your life with that sweet personality of yours. You are such a slut. You are so creative. You are very talented.

The list could go on and on but I really can’t do any more. I have worked on this for days. Tonight I will just post it and let it be. This is why I try so hard though to always do the kind things when possible. Hugs all.

Open Letter: Response to Political Parties Requesting Monetary Donations

Emails arrive daily letting me know how much America, the "generic" party, and even the president of the united states needs my help right now.  If I could only give X amount of $ it would turn the tide of the election, protest. How can I begin to describe what is wrong with this statement? This small bit of money is not going to turn the tide for anyone. The tide so to speak will never turn and in reality tomorrow you will only be back tomorrow or the next day asking for another donation. What good could it possibly be doing?

 Maybe instead of spending all your precious time and money campaigning you could actually do something of value to someone and donate your time or money to a worthy cause that addresses some of the problems that just are not getting fixed today. To say that one party cares more than another or is better than another is just plain silliness. We learned at an early age, and we still teach our children that it is not nice to name call, or to think you are better than anyone else. Why then is it ok in politics? I do not think it is.

I honestly do not believe most political groups make their political decisions based off of hatred or anger consciously. I say most because I am aware that there are hate groups alive and well all over the world today. I do not believe most of the politicians in Washington DC are subscribing to these hate groups however. To say "Things are not getting done because Party X doesn't care about XYZ in America today" is not true. All members of all parties care in Party X care just as much as the people in Party Z do. The problem is that everyone cares so much that they are not willing to let any of it go. People have too much pride and ego. Heads butt, lines, are drawn, negotiations dwindle, a bill gets voted down or maybe it just gets put off to the next session. For the lifetime politician its just another thing to stir the passions of their constitutions, something to, hopefully, get more voters to your side of the pole come election day. Politicians who only moments before were arguing can be seen shaking hands and then going off, usually, in a limo for their believed deserved rest.

In the meantime, the bill, all the bills, the ones that were supposed to be helping out the poor, homeless, middle class, those about to lose their homes, immigrants, the hungry, the desolate.. Americans.. countless PEOPLE, Individuals, they either do not get voted up again or changed so very much as to be no help at all and usually not even recognizable to the first bill. It is the people who suffer over and again for what politicians only postulate about. Again it is not that they do not care, more that they can not actually fathom how deeply their actions will effect people. For some people struggling with debt, these forgotten bills mean death. It is not, usually, the pretty type you see in movies either. It also means more kids can't pay attention in school because there is no money to feed them properly and they are always hungry. Or maybe it's because there are not enough teachers to teach?

I am very sorry, but you are mistaken. The government doesn't need my help as a $3 donation. The government needs a wake up call. Government needs to fix its priorities and start taking care of its people. I have lived more in my short life than most government officials will ever live. I mean real life, the kind that is hard, and you have really worked to get something or somewhere. The kind you don't always know if you will survive or make it. I had faith though. I started from nothing, and I became a person able to be proud of myself. In my mind, I am enormously rich. Not because of money but because I know where true value lies. It lies in those you love, in people, in doing good works, in volunteering and in leaving the world a better place than you found it. The government needs my help?

Well, here it is.. To create an immediate improvement, quickly and at every level of the government; we need to begin requiring all politicians to serve one weekend a month, as well as two weeks every year doing volunteer work. The work must be assigned so the jobs are distributed fairly, and for the greatest benefit. If the politicians are allowed to pick their own jobs, they will just pick something easy and learn nothing, defeating the purpose of the work. Politicians need to go complete their work in the poorest, neediest areas. They need to go into these areas and create effective change and help. They will not just give a speech and shake some hands calling it a day. They will make beds, hand out soup, maybe even cry as they realize how heartbreaking it is to have to turn a family away from a shelter because it is already full. For this task honestly it would be best to have the assignments come from outside the government. A neutral organization should be in charge. Furthermore, if a politician fails to do their volunteer time, severely penalize them by making them do an extra week the following month. Requiring mandatory hours from the politicians gives them a reason to care. Why are they caring suddenly? The reason is if a politicians fails to do volunteer work as set up by the neutral organization, they will lose the right to vote, next step they will lose the right to serve as a politician to people.

You have asked for my help, and I have given it to you. I do not think you will do it, but I can only offer advice I can not make anyone take it. That is the beauty of free will. Also no, I will not give any money to campaigning, ever, please stop asking. It is against my beliefs.

Sincerely,

Johanna Spalding

Mother's Day is a sad day for me this year.

Today as been a really hard day for me and I know for some other ladies out there. Today I know all day long I find my mind going backwards in time. I am thinking of my babies that were never born, instead I miscarried each one. I think about how old each would be had that not happened. I think about how different my life would be if I had just never tried to have kids in the first place. I think about lost opportunities and chances. I keep thinking about all the things that I have lost in this life and I am unbearably sad. I know that I am not alone in these thoughts and that makes it all the more sad. I hate that anyone else feels this way. It is really a horrible feeling.

Not only do you go through the motions of being pregnant, you gain the weight, you have the hormones, you get sick.. everything that any other pregnant woman would have to go through only mine ends in tears where I have to grieve the loss of my child usually alone, where others get to bring home a baby and complain about what a bitch being pregnant was. Then I also have to deal with the well wishers who try to comfort me by telling me it was gods will. You know that just makes me want to go into a field and scream at the sky about how much I hate your god. This is not gods will. This is an accident, a tragedy, something that was doomed from the start maybe but not gods will. I have the wrong body that is malformed inside, the wrongs eggs, the wrong hormones, bad genetics and the wrong blood type.

I have also actually been told "Well you should be able to get over this in no time, i mean you have done it before right?"  Word of advice.. Never Ever say something so incredibly insensitive, stupid, and beyond your ability to understand. When a person has a miscarriage, she has just lost her child. That means to her, her baby, and all her hopes and dreams for her baby have died. They have died an absolutely horrible death, usually there is no body, no memorial, no name.. nothing.. We grieve in silence. I usually am pretty easy going and peaceful these days but days like today are very very hard. If you have a friend who is suffering like me, support them, don't negate them or what they have been through.

LGBT Hotline & Website, Safe Sex website, You are Not Alone, You Are Loved!

Lately I have been thinking a lot about all the young & older LGBTQ out there who have no one to turn to. I know the confusion that can go through a young persons mind, or anyones mind. It can be very hard if the people around them do not understand. Sometimes you just need someone to talk to, someone who they know will understand and listen to them. Well here are some hotline numbers and websites to help.

The GLBT National Youth Talkline provides telephone and email peer-counseling, as well as factual information and local resources for cities and towns across the United States.

All of our services are free and confidential.

Our telephone volunteers are in their teens and early twenties, and we speak with teens and young adults up to age 25 about coming-out issues, relationship concerns, parent issues, school problems, HIV/AIDS anxiety and safer-sex information, and lots more!

We also maintain the largest resource database of its kind in the world, with approximately 15,000 listings.  Our database contains information on social and support groups, as well as gay-friendly religious organizations, sports leagues, student groups and more.

CONTACT INFO: 

Email: youth@GLBTNationalHelpCenter.org
Toll-free 1-800-246-PRIDE (1-800-246-7743)

HOURS: 
Monday thru Friday from 1pm to 9pm, pacific time
(Monday thru Friday from 4pm to midnight, eastern time)

Saturday from 9am to 2pm, pacific time
(Saturday from noon to 5pm, eastern time)

The Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender National Hotline provides telephone and email peer-counseling, as well as factual information and local resources for cities and towns across the United States.

All of our services are free and confidential.

We speak with callers of all ages about coming-out issues, relationship concerns, HIV/AIDS anxiety and safer-sex information, and lots more!

We also maintain the largest resource database of its kind in the world, with over 18,000 listings. Our database contains information on social and support groups, as well as gay-friendly religious organizations, sports leagues, student groups and more. We also have information on GLBT-friendly businesses including lawyers, doctors and various counseling professionals.

CONTACT INFO: 

Email:  glnh@GLBTNationalHelpCenter.org
Toll-free 1-888-THE-GLNH (1-888-843-4564)

HOURS:
Monday thru Friday from 1pm to 9pm, pacific time
(Monday thru Friday from 4pm to midnight, eastern time)

Saturday from 9am to 2pm, pacific time
(Saturday from noon to 5pm, eastern time)

Welcome to the GLBT National Help Center's Online Peer-Support Chat!

We offer free, confidential, one-on-one peer support for gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender and questioning people.

Please note that this is a volunteer-run service for focused one-on-one peer support. We unfortunately do not have the resources for casual chatting, and this is not a substitute for ongoing professional counseling.

All conversations are confidential. We do not keep transcripts or recordings of the chat conversations we have with you.

CHAT HOURS:

MONDAY THRU FRIDAY FROM 4PM TO MIDNIGHT, EASTERN TIME
(1PM TO 9PM, PACIFIC TIME)

AND

SATURDAY FROM NOON TO 5PM, EASTERN TIME
(9AM TO 2PM, PACIFIC TIME)

You may also call one of our toll-free hotlines and speak directly with a volunteer peer-counselor. The GLBT National Hotline's phone number is 1-888-843-4564 and the toll-free phone number for the GLBT National Youth Talkline is 1-800-246-PRIDE (1-800-246-7743).

You may also access all 15,000 of our local resources at www.GLBTnearMe.org. 

One last Resource would be the GLBT National Help Center Blog because there really is a lot of good information written there. This is directly from there blog "Here at the GLBT National Help Center, we focus our discussion around feelings, rather than actions.  If you have a technical question about the mechanics of sex, we are able to refer people to the San Francisco Sex Information Switchboard, a wonderful organization, independent of us." I think a link to safe sex information is good for everyone. 

 As always I am here for you as well if anyone ever needs to talk. *hugs and much Love to all*  

Over Half of my Fiber Stuff has been Sold, Some Fiber & Yarn still Available

I can't remember if I ever posted anything about this. I sold it maybe a month back. There was a very nice lady who had plans of teaching kids how to do from sheep to shawl the entire process of the ways of fiber. She lived about 2 hours away so was able to drive here to pick up what she wanted. She ended up getting most of my fiber processing equipment, dyes, chemicals, undyed top, angelina, firestar and random other fiber. I will be honest here and say I believe that it went to a good home but I cried after she left. It was honestly like losing a piece of myself.

I have since then sold off a few more pieces of spare equipment that I had. I still have a few more pieces of small or bulky things. I have fiber and yarn as well that still has to go. It has been hard to get it all organized and photoed and weighed due to my personal life interfering (doesn't it always lol that darn personal life!) but I have gotten some of it. I have some raw fiber, some washed fiber, some batts, some hand dyed yarn, some undyed yarn, some commercial yarn, some commercial dyed top, some hand dyed top, some odds and ends, a warp board.. really gotta go through my list of what I sold versus what I still have. I have been mostly listing what I have in various Facebook groups but I think I really need to do a huge post here or something too.

so this is me slowly learning to let go of my business and selling it off piece by piece. My thoughts are honestly that anything left by mid Dec will probably just get donated but I have not totally solidified that idea yet because my husband is the only one working in the house and we are now a family of 3. I think I forgot to add that my cousin Jay has come to stay with us so its a bit money tight in our home right about now.

Would you be willing to help someone if all it required was a vote? I sure hope so! His name is Jason. LGBT Post

As many of you know I am a supporter of LGBT rights and equality. A few weeks ago I signed a petition that was started by Jason and though I have not met Jason in person I have read Jason's story. I feel pretty strongly about the need to help when I am able to. I believe in life this is something we should always do as long as it is something that will not negatively impact our own lives. Jason's story is very similar to so many other Transgender stories that I have read but there is a difference. Here I have the opportunity to do something. This is his picture from his voting page so you know who you are voting for!

The something I have been asked to do is so simple that to not do it would be a shame. All he is asking is that I go here and vote (and yours) and then for me to share his page in hopes others will also vote for him. The page is to win money towards his mastectomy and hysterectomy. You can read more in depth about him and his story on his Go Fund Me page. He also has a Facebook page set up to help keep track of what is happening in his life with the donations and other things too.

The time is now! We have to do something about the suffering happening right here in our home!

I mean we as a people have some serious work to do in this country. Every day there are kids, the elderly, single mothers/fathers, lower class families, middle-class families, college students, drop-outs, minimum wage workers.. the list goes on and on.  They are all colors, sexes, religions, abilities, sexual preferences, politics, eating habits... differences as far as the eye can see but they are all suffering. Some are hungry; some are depressed, some are in jail, some are dying, some are being murdered, some are being hit, some are having such horrid tortures happening to them. There are so many ways that people are suffering it is easy to turn a blind eye to it.

It is time that we stop ignoring the things that make us uncomfortable. It is time to start healing by stopping this suffering as we can. Start volunteering. Start helping the kids in your neighborhood. Start helping that single mom/dad who works 2-3 jobs to try to keep food on the table and a roof over her/his kids' head. Stop the loudmouths who think it's ok to use words of hate as jokes or insults. Give a homeless man huddled against the wall a bottle of water and something to eat. It is easy to think well someone else can do it, but that is a cowardly way out. Maybe you think, I have nothing I can do. I have no time, money, skills, etc.. That is simply not true. The need for volunteers is growing every day.


I know you are afraid, and that is ok. Fear is natural, and I am telling you a big scary thing. I am not asking you to fix it all. I am just asking you to do what you can. Very small steps can accomplish wonders. Maybe take a look at yourself and be realistic. If you find that you have 1 hour a month that you could volunteer, and you realize, it is flexible as to when you use an hour. That right there is something amazing. You could spend that hour at school, nursing home, hospital, homeless shelter, animal shelter, donation location, going through your closet for anything that no longer fits, online finding a volunteer group that can use your hour.


Trust me You Can Do This! I believe in YOU! It is time to believe in yourself! Whatever you do, Just Do Something. The time is now. This place is your home. This is your town. This planet is your world.

I am not taking this lying down!

I refuse to just give up on my dreams, on our dreams. We talked about it last night. I plan on calling Navy Legal today to see if there is anything we can do. Also we have decided to just pursue other avenues for foster care. I feel I have been discriminated against unfairly due to my physical and mental conditions both of which I have a pretty good handle on. Flimsy excuses were given. I was not given a chance to even defend myself. I was also told it is against California state law to discriminate against us for those reasons. No I will not take this lying down.

Today I was told that the foster care agency was not the right one for us.

I am feeling a deep sadness right now. I feel let down. I feel lied to. I feel like my heart is breaking again. Am I ever going to have children in my life? Am I just destined to always be on the outside looking in seeing what everyone else has and I will never have? I know these are very emotional responses and reactions that I am having as I just got the news.

I got the call a few minutes ago. I turned my physical paperwork in last week. I was honest as requested. I was told that the state of California did not allow the agency to discriminate against potential foster parents for documented physical or mental illnesses. They must determine that the child will have an environment that is stabile, safe, fosters growth and improvement for the child in a caring environment. I was certain that would not be an issue and that they would see that once they talked to me. I was scared but reassured that I would have the opportunity to go over everything with the Social workers during the Home Study Process. I had already begun gathering extra references in case they were needed.

Today they told me that they had discussed my physical with the Adoption Social Worker and the Director of the Agency and they had decided because my prognosis was "Fair" that they were not the best fit for us. Then they said they were sorry and asked if I had any questions. At first I was in shock so I said no I understood, because I did. I knew they took a look at some of the things written but not all of them. I tried to call back after a few minutes but had to leave a VM. I asked if it made any difference that every Doctor I have vouched for me saying they believed I would be a wonderful foster parent and adoptive parent. Every person I have ever Nannied for would also vouch for me if I was able to get in touch with them I am certain. The few I did reach already had agreed. I just feel I was not really given a fair chance. All we want to do is to have children but it seems like a dream that is getting harder as we go along.

Letting go of a dream can be so hard and so sad, this is why it is so hard to list my business inventory for sale

Today I finally started to take photos of my business stuff that I am selling. It was making me so sad though. I know its the right decision for me to make.  Yet still I found myself 2nd guessing the decision as if somehow I had miraculously been cured of my pain and injuries that had resulted in me making the choice in the 1st place. Even so I got pictures of most of my equipment. I still have to sort through the fibers, yarn, dyes, and things like that. I think my scale broke in the move so I really have no way to weigh everything out right now. It seems a bit pointless to go and buy a new scale just to get rid of it. If anyone out there has gone through this I would love to hear how you coped with the loss of your business even when it was  the right choice for you and your family.

I am thinking that I would really just like to sell it all in bundles at the very least. I don't want to fiddle with a whole lot of shipping or the things themselves anymore than necessary. I had to take deep breaths several times today to keep from crying. I loved my business. I loved making batts. I loved dyeing the yarns and fibers. I loved the colors and the zone I would get into when I was creating. I am afraid nothing will ever be able to replace the feeling that I used to get when creating my batts, tops, and yarns. I even loved coming up with the names and the descriptions. I loved it all. I enjoyed the festivals. I enjoyed meeting the people and making friends. Its like its all been lost now and I will have nothing to even keep as a reminder. I find I can't even knit or crochet how sucky is that? My hands and arms just hurt too much. When did this happen to me? I am really to young to feel this way. I don't want to feel this way. I don't want to lose all my creative stuff but to keep it would hurt worse in the long run. I know I would just look at it and remember or try to do it and hurt so badly. It would be one of those damned if you do situations. So for my peace of mind and body it really does all have to go. My hope is that I can find another creative outlet that wont hurt so much but still let me express myself.

On a positive note I know that whoever does get any of my things will take good care of it because that is just how the fiber community is. Also the money I get from it will all go towards our adoption & foster care process. That said, I plan on selling my stuff for a decent price. Its used but in great condition. Some of its even new. I wont try to rake any one over the coals but I don't want to be taken advantage of either. If that were the case I would just donate it to charity. I also plan to put up a list not just of the things I am selling but also the things we need for our foster care and later adoption. If we could do a partial trade for some stuff that would be just as good to me as money. I have some photos and I think I will do start the blogs for what I am getting rid of and another one for what I want. For now thank you for reading! *hugs*

Living with a Pain flareup can Suck

I wondered lately if anyone ever feels the mind searing pain that I do upon waking? There are times I wake and laying in bed hurts me so I know the day is going to be a doozy. Sure enough I struggle out of bed and down the stairs to fix a cup of tea and to take my meds. I am thankful that I didn't have to pick up Feno to take him to daycare today. I manage to make tea and take the meds then I find my phone and see I am missing my therapy. I sent my therapist the message so she knows what is going on. Unfortunately I will have to pay a missed fee for the group DBT that I missed. that sucks so bad. I really have been working and Trying it out. If I can get everything to get things situated I think i could apply as a receptionist or something
That is not yet though. Too many days getting  up late and ending up awake until after 2 am .  I am stressing Tom out to pretty badly. I need to make a real effort to go to bed with him at the end of the day. We are also going to start seeing aside a certain time each day where we will spend time just talking to each other. Soon this will hopefully be something I can just laugh about as a thing of the past. I tried out something called the P-stem and it was wonderful. I will post about it because it was so good I need to really talk about it. For now this is really all I wanted to say. *hugs* thanks for reading!

Part 5: Do You Suffer from Past Trauma (Childhood Abuse, PTSD, Domestic Violence, etc..)?

Please be aware though I will not be going into specifics this could be a trigger for some of you. Read with caution! 

Please remember any abuses that you have suffered were not your fault. You are a survivor! If you were able to survive the abuse, you can survive the emotions that have been left behind. You are not alone. There is someone out there who can help or listen. *hugs*

So far I have talked about Cognitive Behavior Therapy, Yoga, Meditation, Self Hypnosis, Massage Therapy, Setting Boundaries, Getting to know yourself basically. Now I want to talk about the thing that I have found to be the most helpful to me. It was actually designed for a specific type of mental illness called Borderline Personality Disorder. I don't have that so I guess that would be one of the reasons it was not recommended to me for a long time. Luckily I had a great Dr in Lexington, KY. He told me about this program. He told me that even though it was designed for people with Borderline Personality Disorder that he had sent patients through it who suffered with Chronic PTSD with great success. The program is called DBT - Dialectical behavior therapy. 

I wanted to feel better and to stop being afraid. I figured I had nothing to lose really at this point. It still took me a while to call. I finally did and set up an appointment to find out about it. I met with the Dr who ran the DBT group. She explained to me how the program worked. Basically every week you have a group session and an individual session. In the group you learn skills to use. There is homework to help you practice the skills. At the next group you will go over the homework to see how you did along with learning new skills and getting new homework. The individual sessions help you adapt to life using the skills and also deal with things getting in the way. 

I have found this website DBT Self Help to be pretty helpful for looking up DBT stuff on my own. I do recommend find an actual DBT therapist and group though. My insurance covers it and so might yours. There are some pages that say they don't work but I have found you can work around them usually by clicking through to them from other places on the site. Also there are some great apps for DBT if you have an iPhone, not sure about other phones though. If you have any questions please ask and I will help you to the best of my abilities. 

There are 4 Modules in DBT that you learn. They are Mindfulness, Distress tolerance, Emotion Regulation, and Interpersonal Effectiveness. The skills are taught in 6 months though most people take at least 2, 6month loops to really learn them. There are also 4 stages but I can not remember how they go right now. These skills though are far reaching and can help so many people because when you break them down they are basically life skills. 

These skills are just so useful that I felt I needed to talk about them or at least point some people in the right direction to find them. Help is out there. You don't have to suffer any longer. Life is worth living and you deserve to seek your joy.  Also for those who will not be able to really follow the program or seek out the therapy, I will be occasionally posting helpful hints and suggestions along the way to help encourage you. I think that is part of why we are here. We have to help out when we can right! *hugs*

Part 4: Do You Suffer from Past Trauma (Childhood Abuse, PTSD, Domestic Violence, etc..)?

Please be aware though I will not be going into specifics this could be a trigger for some of you. Read with caution! 


Please remember any abuses that you have suffered were not your fault. You are a survivor! If you were able to survive the abuse, you can survive the emotions that have been left behind. You are not alone. There is someone out there who can help or listen. *hugs*

How did I choose what I wanted and didn't want out of a relationship? Well we actually had to make a list for that in Massage school. It was actually pretty amazing to put down the things you know that you want, the things you know that you don't and then to see how the people in your life compare to it. I don't know if other schools teach the same skills as the one I attended but I am ever so grateful that I chose to go to school there.

Another thing that helped in school was the massage itself. We have a saying "The issues are in the tissues". The body fibers hold onto patterns from habit of use. Some people say they hold onto old emotion or energy. We are taught to just observe and be there for the client. Sometimes they may have an emotional outburst or release and you don't comfort them, you just continue to massage, maybe bring them tissues and the trash can unless they ask you to stop or something. I had such experiences myself.

The first time I had to get on the massage table at school I dreaded it. I didn't want to at all but I had to. It was required in our program. From the moment I got on the table and the person touched my back the tears started pouring from my eyes. The tears didn't stop for almost 3 hours even though the massage was only 3o min. My teacher actually asked was I sure that I would be able to continue with the program, or that I wanted to. I would and I did. Every time I was on the table I cried though it got better with time. Massage school helped me learn to be touched in a non sexual non threatening manner. I am now able to get a massage with out crying, though these days I do talk to the therapist because it helps me to stay calm so that I am able to get work done for my pain.

Now I am not saying that I think everyone should go to massage school. What I am saying is that its a good idea to decide what your boundaries are. It is also a good idea I think to work on touch therapy if you have the strong aversion to it like I did and it interferes with your day to day life. As a massage therapist I was able to work with a few people doing this type of therapy. For some I started working on them fully clothed in my massage chair because to lay on a massage table was too much for them. Gradually over time we were able to remove some layers of clothing, though always at the clients comfort level. Even though clothing is being removed while I was not working in an area I would drape the area with a sheet or towel to keep the person feeling safe and secure. On another person I worked on her hands and gradually worked my way up her arm to her shoulders. You just need to find someone you feel you can trust to work with you at your personal comfort level. If your therapist does not listen to you they are not the right person to go to.   to be continued....

Part 3: Do You Suffer from Past Trauma (Childhood Abuse, PTSD, Domestic Violence, etc..)?

Please be aware though I will not be going into specifics this could be a trigger for some of you. Read with caution! 

Please remember any abuses that you have suffered were not your fault. You are a survivor! If you were able to survive the abuse, you can survive the emotions that have been left behind. You are not alone. There is someone out there who can help or listen. *hugs*

I think learning to accept love is very hard if you have been abused. People who have been victims of abuse tend to be filled with guilt, shame, self hatred, self blame, low self esteem and they do not usually believe that they deserve to be loved. This is a hard one to understand, especially if that person has a partner that really loves them now. The person who suffered abuse may have doubts all the time, may get clingy, or may try to push the partner away. The abuse cycle hurts everyone involved.

Back to my story a bit and I should stop here to add this is not by any means a complete history. I am just telling the parts that helped me. We all had to go through a lot of messed up and bad times to get to the good ones and to get better. I leave all that out now for several reasons. 1) I don't like to dwell on it. 2) I don't really think its necessary to get my point across. 3) Knowing the bad things that have went down will not really help you out. Lets focus on the positive here.

With the encouragement of my friends that I lived with I decided to go to school for massage. In hindsight this was a very weird choice for me as I hated to be touched. My thoughts were I would be the one touching others and it would be a way to help people. I had a background in Home Health and Childcare so I wanted to do something I could make a difference in. I ended up loving Massage and loving Massage Therapy School. I had wonderful teachers. I learned amazing things. I came out of it with so much more than I thought I would.

You may be asking yourself what does Massage School have to do with any of this?? Well I learned things like boundaries and ethics. I learned that I deserved respect. I learned I didn't have to have sex with people just to get them to like me. Sex had never really had any value to me other than a physical way to connect to others. It was never a big deal to me if I had sex with someone. At one point a friend had even remarked "Is F*cking just how you say hello? Do you have to F*ck everyone you meet?" I had thought about it and told her that I found it to be a good ice breaker. Well learning everything I did about ethics and boundaries and how they applied to massage helped me to figure out a set of them for myself and my life. I had not really had them before. I didn't realize it was something I desperately needed for my self esteem and self worth.

Don't get me wrong though I am not saying this was an overnight change or that I completely stopped having sex. I didn't, I just became choosy and decided what I wanted and what I didn't want. Then I lived by those decisions.  to be continued....

Part 2: Do You Suffer from Past Trauma (Childhood Abuse, PTSD, Domestic Violence, etc..)?

Please be aware though I will not be going into specifics this could be a trigger for some of you. Read with caution! 

Please remember any abuses that you have suffered were not your fault. You are a survivor! If you were able to survive the abuse, you can survive the emotions that have been left behind. You are not alone. There is someone out there who can help or listen. *hugs*

I have tried many types of therapy through the years and to be really honest none of them helped until I was about 24 (I think but I could be off on the age by a year or so). At that time I got a therapist who used Cognitive Behavior Therapy. It was the first therapy I had ever found to be effective at all. For really the first time I was seeing an improvement in how I felt about myself that didn't depend on others.   I only stayed with it for a few months because I moved but I had bought the book "Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy" by David Burns so I continued to use what I had learned. While I was feeling a bit better, it only went so far though.

I tried Self Hypnosis, Meditation and Yoga. These also helped a bit. It seemed like everything I tried would help just a little bit. I felt like I was taking the tiniest of baby steps forward and then something would happen to tumble me all the way back again causing me to have to start over. Around this time through odd circumstances, I ended up homeless in St Petersburg, FL. A friend found out and before even one night without having a home she and her husband took me in. They also encouraged me to go back to school. Living with them was so hard in some ways for me.

I mean here were these 2 people who had 5 kids between them and a 4 bedroom home. They didn't even think twice or blink an eye over me moving in and would have none of my arguments. They were just such warm and loving people and it just bubbled out of them and spread to everyone they knew. Their kids were the same way. I grew up not really hearing people tell me that they loved me or hugging me or just touching me all the time. To be honest I had (still have to a degree) a major aversion to being touched. Well you try explaining that to such a loving family. Yep its not gonna happen. They just hug you and tell you they love you and when you start crying they hold you and say its ok. They didn't see anything wrong with crying???? This was so weird to me. I was tough. I didn't cry. I grew up believing you never let people see you cry. It is a sign of weakness and it will be exploited. Not with this family though. They believed a good cry was healthy and healing, so were hugs.

Slowly so slowly I got used to walking in the door and getting 7 hugs on a regular basis. I got used to hearing I love you and knowing that it was meant. I got used to people cuddling up against me to watch a movie on the couch. I got used to a whole new side of people I never knew existed. That was I think when I really started to realize there are good people out there in this world.   to be continued....