Part 2: Do You Suffer from Past Trauma (Childhood Abuse, PTSD, Domestic Violence, etc..)?

Please be aware though I will not be going into specifics this could be a trigger for some of you. Read with caution! 

Please remember any abuses that you have suffered were not your fault. You are a survivor! If you were able to survive the abuse, you can survive the emotions that have been left behind. You are not alone. There is someone out there who can help or listen. *hugs*

I have tried many types of therapy through the years and to be really honest none of them helped until I was about 24 (I think but I could be off on the age by a year or so). At that time I got a therapist who used Cognitive Behavior Therapy. It was the first therapy I had ever found to be effective at all. For really the first time I was seeing an improvement in how I felt about myself that didn't depend on others.   I only stayed with it for a few months because I moved but I had bought the book "Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy" by David Burns so I continued to use what I had learned. While I was feeling a bit better, it only went so far though.

I tried Self Hypnosis, Meditation and Yoga. These also helped a bit. It seemed like everything I tried would help just a little bit. I felt like I was taking the tiniest of baby steps forward and then something would happen to tumble me all the way back again causing me to have to start over. Around this time through odd circumstances, I ended up homeless in St Petersburg, FL. A friend found out and before even one night without having a home she and her husband took me in. They also encouraged me to go back to school. Living with them was so hard in some ways for me.

I mean here were these 2 people who had 5 kids between them and a 4 bedroom home. They didn't even think twice or blink an eye over me moving in and would have none of my arguments. They were just such warm and loving people and it just bubbled out of them and spread to everyone they knew. Their kids were the same way. I grew up not really hearing people tell me that they loved me or hugging me or just touching me all the time. To be honest I had (still have to a degree) a major aversion to being touched. Well you try explaining that to such a loving family. Yep its not gonna happen. They just hug you and tell you they love you and when you start crying they hold you and say its ok. They didn't see anything wrong with crying???? This was so weird to me. I was tough. I didn't cry. I grew up believing you never let people see you cry. It is a sign of weakness and it will be exploited. Not with this family though. They believed a good cry was healthy and healing, so were hugs.

Slowly so slowly I got used to walking in the door and getting 7 hugs on a regular basis. I got used to hearing I love you and knowing that it was meant. I got used to people cuddling up against me to watch a movie on the couch. I got used to a whole new side of people I never knew existed. That was I think when I really started to realize there are good people out there in this world.   to be continued....

Do You Suffer from Past Trauma (Childhood Abuse, PTSD, Domestic Violence, etc..)? Part 1

Please be aware though I will not be going into specifics this could be a trigger for some of you. Read with caution! 

Please remember any abuses that you have suffered were not your fault. You are a survivor! If you were able to survive the abuse, you can survive the emotions that have been left behind. You are not alone. There is someone out there who can help or listen. *hugs*

Do you suffer? Do you know someone who suffers? So many people today are suffering and they continue to suffer for a lot of reasons. I am one of those people. I am going to share some things with you today, not for sympathy or pity but in hopes that my experiences can help YOU or SOMEONE YOU KNOW!

You may or may not know this about me but I suffered pretty much every abuse imaginable from early childhood (I'm honestly not sure how young it all started) through early adulthood. These abuses included Physical, Mental, Emotional, and Sexual. When a person suffers these types of abuses as an early child and on it really effects the whole person. You are still growing in every since of the word. Your body is still forming, your mind, your emotions.

You develop coping skills to get you through it to survive. Sometimes you forget, ignore it, pretend it doesn't exist. Sometimes you develop self hurting behaviors such as cutting, anorexia, bulimia, drinking, drugs, promiscuity, etc.. Your body can develop incorrectly due to injuries sustained leading to problems not only while the abuse is occurring but later in life as well. You may also become angry, full of rage, though you will probably direct it towards someone other than your abuser (not always though). You may totally withdrawal from the world and hide, become very shy, not talk much to anyone. There are really so many ways abuse can express itself.

You have probably tried lots of ways to get help too. Maybe taking medicine prescribed by a psychiatrist. You may have seen a psychologist or other mental health professional for counseling. You may have tried intensive therapy programs. Maybe different things in life just have led to you getting better a bit at a time.  I am going to do a few blogs on this subject. In them I will explore the things that have helped me on my journey to get well. I will say this is a life journey and I do not believe there are any quick fixes.   to be continued....

I have decided to Liquidate my Business, Ever Improving Me, explanations in blog.

After some careful consideration of what my needs are for the future and where we see ourselves headed I have decided to liquidate my business. The funds will be put into our adoption/surrogacy fund. I was going to keep my stuff for awhile because I thought I would get back to where I used to be and start dyeing, carding, sewing, selling again. Unfortunately that will not be happening.

The truth is that I am in too much physical pain. It is getting a lot better than it was the past  4 months.  I am still working towards improvement but that is going to be a long journey. Realistically I no longer have the ability to lift heavy dye pots or wet wool & yarn for long periods of time. Turning my carder handle for hours on end used to be easy. I would get going and lose all track of time, but not any more. When I  make my batts I tend to stand bent over for hours. I piece together my fibers all the while hauling buckets from shelves; lifting them up and down as I shift them around looking for the right thing to put in them. When I have attempted to do that I am terribly disappointed by my lack of stamina and pain tolerance. I am not able to sit at a spinning wheel for hours on end spinning the bulky yarns that I sell in the shop or use for myself any longer. I am also not able to drop spindle more than 15-20 minutes. It is a major blow to my self esteem. I am working to improve it and to accept that this is just my new reality at this time.

My business took hours of work. Hard work. If I want to get healthier, and have less pain I have to choose to let my business go. We want to have children. I want to enjoy having children. I don't want to feel angry and sad and frustrated about a business that I just have no time, energy, pain tolerance, or physical abilities to perform any longer. It is better to let it go now. To give myself time to accept this and to heal. I also hope that I will be able to move back into a space of finding the joy in the hobby side of the craft rather than the business side. I will begin going through my inventory this month but its probably going to be a slow process. I will probably start building a list of the things that I have  available by the end of this month. I may put them in my artfire shop, I think I still have it. I will also have a list here on my blog, & one of my friends may help handle the inventory liquidation for me. It makes me pretty sad. I have to be honest. I loved my business. I loved the people I met. I love fiber, I love yarn,  love color, but I believe this is the best decision for me and my family at this time.

Thank you for reading, Johanna

Shared Links of those who have helped to spread the word of my sites

I figured if it had its own page it would make it easier to share. I will just keep editing and adding to this page as more shares happen. After Links I will include a brief description, probably the one that is one the webpage.

Weekly Queers - Welcome to the OFFICIAL Facebook page of the Weekly Queers. We are a collab channel on Youtube. This page will be for updates about our collab or anything Queer/fun/entertaining we can find online. Enjoy!

I enjoy writing and having people read and then respond back to what I have written.

I would really like to build my blog back up. I think that will be a great way for me to work towards my self improvement goals. I can work through some of the things that flutter around in my head. I will dish out some great advice. Yes believe it or not I actually have been known to give good advice a time or two. It goes with the roles I have either been given or chosen to do in life. What can I say? I am who I am and no matter how much I fight it, I always seem to come back to me. The inside will shine through regardless of the superficial changes that I make on the outside trying to hide it or pretend its something different. In the end I have to just learn to love and accept me for me, nothing more, nothing less.

I am trying to build up my Blog, my Facebook pages, and I can;t for get our Adoption Fundraiser page. . Here is my blog link blog http://johannaspalding.blogspot.com/ . Here is my Facebook pages Help us Adopt and Grow Our Family, Ever Improving Me , and Johanna Spalding, Here is the Adoption Fundraiser page Help us Adopt and Grow our Family! Please share my links to on your blogs, Facebook pages, Pinterest  Pretty much any Social Media Site would be great! Also Feel free to post a link here on my blog to your blog or other page & I will be glad to share it on my blog or page as well if you like (just let me know). Please nothing with Extremist views in any direction (religion, politics, etc). I do reserve the right to remove anything offensive.  Thank you! 

Also for anyone who missed it, I am an Ordained Minister and I live in CA in Coronado. I will Perform FREE Wedding Ceremonies for LGBT couples Near San Diego with a valid marriage license. Please Pass this on to couples that are living in CA or are eligible to be married in CA who may benefit from this. I am trying to fight for equality in my own way. Thank you for your support!

Thank you, Johanna

My 2 Cats keep locking themselves into places and getting stuck!

Some of you may remember that I have 2 very adorable Cats! If not let me just give you a cute reminder because, well its Wednesday so I thought we needed a purely silly post about my cats and the trouble they like to get into. I will probably write about them on and off in my blog because lets face it, they have drilled their way into my heart. I can't help it. I just love them.

So we have to child proof our cabinets. Why you may ask? I bet you would be thinking for kids right? NOPE!! Its because of my cats. They have learned how to paw them open. Then they climb inside. I have no idea why they love being inside the cabinets so much but they do. Once they get inside they are stuck and they can't get out. It turns out they are only strong enough to get the cabinets open from the outside and not the inside.

We only know that they are even stuck because all of a sudden we start hearing a bang, bang, bang with meowing in the background. Then we have to go searching to figure out which cabinet they are in. We also have to make sure that when we find the cabinet that we let out one or both cats depending on how many are in there. Yes oh yes it turns out they will both get stuck in the same cabinet and still can't manage to get out of it.

This is also the reason we leave the bathroom doors open when not in use. The cats like to chase each other around the house randomly like crazy wild things and some how will end up in the bathroom with the door closed. Then we hear thumps with meows and we know where they are because we see the door shut. Its a good thing we take such good care of them. I do love my babies!

In our efforts to adopt & grow our Family we are reaching out to you for help. Please Read

 We would love to have a baby. We have decided to pursue adoption, foster care, and/or surrogacy to do this as we are unable to have children naturally. We learned this through TTC, several miscarriages, extreme grief, sadness and many doctor visits including several fertility specialists. We have now chosen several paths towards our goal of having children. We want to use Angel Adoption Agency to work with for a baby. We are also starting Foster Care classes at the end of this month. We have set up this page to help us raise the money for adoption as it is very costly. To help us please donate whatever you feel moved to donate. We lovingly accept your financial donations as well as offer of services that we may need during the adoption process. 

Services that would be helpful are (If you have been through this process and see we are missing something please let me know so I can add it to the list):

Fundraising Help - we can use all the help we can get and we are always thrilled to receive help from people in this area as neither of us is really good at fundraising or marketing I guess it would be.

Sharing - this donation page or our facebook page would be helpful to get the word out so that someone may be able to help.

Home Study Needed - We need a National home study to be conducted. The one we are going through in Foster Care is only valid for the state of CA. If anyone is legally qualified to conduct a National Home Study and is willing to give us Free or Discounted rates please let us know.

California Adoption Attorney - (nearish Coronado) Willing to give us Free or Discounted legal service for our side of the adoption process.

Social Worker/Adoption Attorney - (in the state where the baby is found) Willing to give us Free or Discounted legal service for the birth parent.

Baby Stuff or Kid Stuff - We really do not have much in the way of either. We will need both in order to have a baby or to have children in our home for foster care.

We have been lucky that we found each other in this big world and we know that our children our out there waiting on us to find them too. We feel blessed with all of the support we have received from friends and family and coworkers. Tom is in the US Navy and the Navy is very supportive of adoptive parents and foster care. He has gotten all sorts of advice and ideas from those that he works with. The internet support of friends has been great too. Our Families are also very supportive as well. My old coworkers were wonderful and introduced me to some great people who had been through the adoption process with good advice. We are on the right path. Sorry for the very long blog!


Thank you for reading this.
Johanna and Tom