Today as been a really hard day for me and I know for some other ladies out there. Today I know all day long I find my mind going backwards in time. I am thinking of my babies that were never born, instead I miscarried each one. I think about how old each would be had that not happened. I think about how different my life would be if I had just never tried to have kids in the first place. I think about lost opportunities and chances. I keep thinking about all the things that I have lost in this life and I am unbearably sad. I know that I am not alone in these thoughts and that makes it all the more sad. I hate that anyone else feels this way. It is really a horrible feeling.
Not only do you go through the motions of being pregnant, you gain the weight, you have the hormones, you get sick.. everything that any other pregnant woman would have to go through only mine ends in tears where I have to grieve the loss of my child usually alone, where others get to bring home a baby and complain about what a bitch being pregnant was. Then I also have to deal with the well wishers who try to comfort me by telling me it was gods will. You know that just makes me want to go into a field and scream at the sky about how much I hate your god. This is not gods will. This is an accident, a tragedy, something that was doomed from the start maybe but not gods will. I have the wrong body that is malformed inside, the wrongs eggs, the wrong hormones, bad genetics and the wrong blood type.
I have also actually been told "Well you should be able to get over this in no time, i mean you have done it before right?" Word of advice.. Never Ever say something so incredibly insensitive, stupid, and beyond your ability to understand. When a person has a miscarriage, she has just lost her child. That means to her, her baby, and all her hopes and dreams for her baby have died. They have died an absolutely horrible death, usually there is no body, no memorial, no name.. nothing.. We grieve in silence. I usually am pretty easy going and peaceful these days but days like today are very very hard. If you have a friend who is suffering like me, support them, don't negate them or what they have been through.
Sunday, May 11, 2014
Sunday, November 10, 2013
LGBT Hotline & Website, Safe Sex website, You are Not Alone, You Are Loved!
Lately I have been thinking a lot about all the young & older LGBTQ out there who have no one to turn to. I know the confusion that can go through a young persons mind, or anyones mind. It can be very hard if the people around them do not understand. Sometimes you just need someone to talk to, someone who they know will understand and listen to them. Well here are some hotline numbers and websites to help.
The GLBT National Youth Talkline provides telephone and email peer-counseling, as well as factual information and local resources for cities and towns across the United States.
All of our services are free and confidential.
Our telephone volunteers are in their teens and early twenties, and we speak with teens and young adults up to age 25 about coming-out issues, relationship concerns, parent issues, school problems, HIV/AIDS anxiety and safer-sex information, and lots more!
We also maintain the largest resource database of its kind in the world, with approximately 15,000 listings. Our database contains information on social and support groups, as well as gay-friendly religious organizations, sports leagues, student groups and more.
CONTACT INFO:
HOURS:
Monday thru Friday from 1pm to 9pm, pacific time
(Monday thru Friday from 4pm to midnight, eastern time)
Saturday from 9am to 2pm, pacific time
(Saturday from noon to 5pm, eastern time)
Monday thru Friday from 1pm to 9pm, pacific time
(Monday thru Friday from 4pm to midnight, eastern time)
Saturday from 9am to 2pm, pacific time
(Saturday from noon to 5pm, eastern time)
The Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender National Hotline provides telephone and email peer-counseling, as well as factual information and local resources for cities and towns across the United States.
All of our services are free and confidential.
We speak with callers of all ages about coming-out issues, relationship concerns, HIV/AIDS anxiety and safer-sex information, and lots more!
We also maintain the largest resource database of its kind in the world, with over 18,000 listings. Our database contains information on social and support groups, as well as gay-friendly religious organizations, sports leagues, student groups and more. We also have information on GLBT-friendly businesses including lawyers, doctors and various counseling professionals.
CONTACT INFO:
HOURS:
Monday thru Friday from 1pm to 9pm, pacific time
(Monday thru Friday from 4pm to midnight, eastern time)
Saturday from 9am to 2pm, pacific time
(Saturday from noon to 5pm, eastern time)
Monday thru Friday from 1pm to 9pm, pacific time
(Monday thru Friday from 4pm to midnight, eastern time)
Saturday from 9am to 2pm, pacific time
(Saturday from noon to 5pm, eastern time)
We offer free, confidential, one-on-one peer support for gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender and questioning people.
Please note that this is a volunteer-run service for focused one-on-one peer support. We unfortunately do not have the resources for casual chatting, and this is not a substitute for ongoing professional counseling.
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All conversations are confidential. We do not keep transcripts or recordings of the chat conversations we have with you.
CHAT HOURS:
MONDAY THRU FRIDAY FROM 4PM TO MIDNIGHT, EASTERN TIME
(1PM TO 9PM, PACIFIC TIME)
(1PM TO 9PM, PACIFIC TIME)
AND
SATURDAY FROM NOON TO 5PM, EASTERN TIME
(9AM TO 2PM, PACIFIC TIME)
(9AM TO 2PM, PACIFIC TIME)
You may also call one of our toll-free hotlines and speak directly with a volunteer peer-counselor. The GLBT National Hotline's phone number is 1-888-843-4564 and the toll-free phone number for the GLBT National Youth Talkline is 1-800-246-PRIDE (1-800-246-7743).
You may also access all 15,000 of our local resources at www.GLBTnearMe.org.
One last Resource would be the GLBT National Help Center Blog because there really is a lot of good information written there. This is directly from there blog "Here at the GLBT National Help Center, we focus our discussion around feelings, rather than actions. If you have a technical question about the mechanics of sex, we are able to refer people to the San Francisco Sex Information Switchboard, a wonderful organization, independent of us." I think a link to safe sex information is good for everyone.
As always I am here for you as well if anyone ever needs to talk. *hugs and much Love to all*
Over Half of my Fiber Stuff has been Sold, Some Fiber & Yarn still Available
I can't remember if I ever posted anything about this. I sold it maybe a month back. There was a very nice lady who had plans of teaching kids how to do from sheep to shawl the entire process of the ways of fiber. She lived about 2 hours away so was able to drive here to pick up what she wanted. She ended up getting most of my fiber processing equipment, dyes, chemicals, undyed top, angelina, firestar and random other fiber. I will be honest here and say I believe that it went to a good home but I cried after she left. It was honestly like losing a piece of myself.
I have since then sold off a few more pieces of spare equipment that I had. I still have a few more pieces of small or bulky things. I have fiber and yarn as well that still has to go. It has been hard to get it all organized and photoed and weighed due to my personal life interfering (doesn't it always lol that darn personal life!) but I have gotten some of it. I have some raw fiber, some washed fiber, some batts, some hand dyed yarn, some undyed yarn, some commercial yarn, some commercial dyed top, some hand dyed top, some odds and ends, a warp board.. really gotta go through my list of what I sold versus what I still have. I have been mostly listing what I have in various Facebook groups but I think I really need to do a huge post here or something too.
so this is me slowly learning to let go of my business and selling it off piece by piece. My thoughts are honestly that anything left by mid Dec will probably just get donated but I have not totally solidified that idea yet because my husband is the only one working in the house and we are now a family of 3. I think I forgot to add that my cousin Jay has come to stay with us so its a bit money tight in our home right about now.
I have since then sold off a few more pieces of spare equipment that I had. I still have a few more pieces of small or bulky things. I have fiber and yarn as well that still has to go. It has been hard to get it all organized and photoed and weighed due to my personal life interfering (doesn't it always lol that darn personal life!) but I have gotten some of it. I have some raw fiber, some washed fiber, some batts, some hand dyed yarn, some undyed yarn, some commercial yarn, some commercial dyed top, some hand dyed top, some odds and ends, a warp board.. really gotta go through my list of what I sold versus what I still have. I have been mostly listing what I have in various Facebook groups but I think I really need to do a huge post here or something too.
so this is me slowly learning to let go of my business and selling it off piece by piece. My thoughts are honestly that anything left by mid Dec will probably just get donated but I have not totally solidified that idea yet because my husband is the only one working in the house and we are now a family of 3. I think I forgot to add that my cousin Jay has come to stay with us so its a bit money tight in our home right about now.
Sunday, September 15, 2013
Would you be willing to help someone if all it required was a vote? I sure hope so! His name is Jason. LGBT Post
As many of you know I am a supporter of LGBT rights and equality. A few weeks ago I signed a petition that was started by Jason and though I have not met Jason in person I have read Jason's story. I feel pretty strongly about the need to help when I am able to. I believe in life this is something we should always do as long as it is something that will not negatively impact our own lives. Jason's story is very similar to so many other Transgender stories that I have read but there is a difference. Here I have the opportunity to do something. This is his picture from his voting page so you know who you are voting for!
The something I have been asked to do is so simple that to not do it would be a shame. All he is asking is that I go here and vote (and yours) and then for me to share his page in hopes others will also vote for him. The page is to win money towards his mastectomy and hysterectomy. You can read more in depth about him and his story on his Go Fund Me page. He also has a Facebook page set up to help keep track of what is happening in his life with the donations and other things too.
The something I have been asked to do is so simple that to not do it would be a shame. All he is asking is that I go here and vote (and yours) and then for me to share his page in hopes others will also vote for him. The page is to win money towards his mastectomy and hysterectomy. You can read more in depth about him and his story on his Go Fund Me page. He also has a Facebook page set up to help keep track of what is happening in his life with the donations and other things too.
Sunday, September 8, 2013
The time is now! We have to do something about the suffering happening right here in our home!
I mean we as a people have some serious work to do in this country. Every day there are kids, the elderly, single mothers/fathers, lower class families, middle-class families, college students, drop-outs, minimum wage workers.. the list goes on and on. They are all colors, sexes, religions, abilities, sexual preferences, politics, eating habits... differences as far as the eye can see but they are all suffering. Some are hungry; some are depressed, some are in jail, some are dying, some are being murdered, some are being hit, some are having such horrid tortures happening to them. There are so many ways that people are suffering it is easy to turn a blind eye to it.
It is time that we stop ignoring the things that make us uncomfortable. It is time to start healing by stopping this suffering as we can. Start volunteering. Start helping the kids in your neighborhood. Start helping that single mom/dad who works 2-3 jobs to try to keep food on the table and a roof over her/his kids' head. Stop the loudmouths who think it's ok to use words of hate as jokes or insults. Give a homeless man huddled against the wall a bottle of water and something to eat. It is easy to think well someone else can do it, but that is a cowardly way out. Maybe you think, I have nothing I can do. I have no time, money, skills, etc.. That is simply not true. The need for volunteers is growing every day.
I know you are afraid, and that is ok. Fear is natural, and I am telling you a big scary thing. I am not asking you to fix it all. I am just asking you to do what you can. Very small steps can accomplish wonders. Maybe take a look at yourself and be realistic. If you find that you have 1 hour a month that you could volunteer, and you realize, it is flexible as to when you use an hour. That right there is something amazing. You could spend that hour at school, nursing home, hospital, homeless shelter, animal shelter, donation location, going through your closet for anything that no longer fits, online finding a volunteer group that can use your hour.
Trust me You Can Do This! I believe in YOU! It is time to believe in yourself! Whatever you do, Just Do Something. The time is now. This place is your home. This is your town. This planet is your world.
It is time that we stop ignoring the things that make us uncomfortable. It is time to start healing by stopping this suffering as we can. Start volunteering. Start helping the kids in your neighborhood. Start helping that single mom/dad who works 2-3 jobs to try to keep food on the table and a roof over her/his kids' head. Stop the loudmouths who think it's ok to use words of hate as jokes or insults. Give a homeless man huddled against the wall a bottle of water and something to eat. It is easy to think well someone else can do it, but that is a cowardly way out. Maybe you think, I have nothing I can do. I have no time, money, skills, etc.. That is simply not true. The need for volunteers is growing every day.
I know you are afraid, and that is ok. Fear is natural, and I am telling you a big scary thing. I am not asking you to fix it all. I am just asking you to do what you can. Very small steps can accomplish wonders. Maybe take a look at yourself and be realistic. If you find that you have 1 hour a month that you could volunteer, and you realize, it is flexible as to when you use an hour. That right there is something amazing. You could spend that hour at school, nursing home, hospital, homeless shelter, animal shelter, donation location, going through your closet for anything that no longer fits, online finding a volunteer group that can use your hour.
Trust me You Can Do This! I believe in YOU! It is time to believe in yourself! Whatever you do, Just Do Something. The time is now. This place is your home. This is your town. This planet is your world.
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
I am not taking this lying down!
I refuse to just give up on my dreams, on our dreams. We talked about it last night. I plan on calling Navy Legal today to see if there is anything we can do. Also we have decided to just pursue other avenues for foster care. I feel I have been discriminated against unfairly due to my physical and mental conditions both of which I have a pretty good handle on. Flimsy excuses were given. I was not given a chance to even defend myself. I was also told it is against California state law to discriminate against us for those reasons. No I will not take this lying down.
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
Today I was told that the foster care agency was not the right one for us.
I am feeling a deep sadness right now. I feel let down. I feel lied to. I feel like my heart is breaking again. Am I ever going to have children in my life? Am I just destined to always be on the outside looking in seeing what everyone else has and I will never have? I know these are very emotional responses and reactions that I am having as I just got the news.
I got the call a few minutes ago. I turned my physical paperwork in last week. I was honest as requested. I was told that the state of California did not allow the agency to discriminate against potential foster parents for documented physical or mental illnesses. They must determine that the child will have an environment that is stabile, safe, fosters growth and improvement for the child in a caring environment. I was certain that would not be an issue and that they would see that once they talked to me. I was scared but reassured that I would have the opportunity to go over everything with the Social workers during the Home Study Process. I had already begun gathering extra references in case they were needed.
Today they told me that they had discussed my physical with the Adoption Social Worker and the Director of the Agency and they had decided because my prognosis was "Fair" that they were not the best fit for us. Then they said they were sorry and asked if I had any questions. At first I was in shock so I said no I understood, because I did. I knew they took a look at some of the things written but not all of them. I tried to call back after a few minutes but had to leave a VM. I asked if it made any difference that every Doctor I have vouched for me saying they believed I would be a wonderful foster parent and adoptive parent. Every person I have ever Nannied for would also vouch for me if I was able to get in touch with them I am certain. The few I did reach already had agreed. I just feel I was not really given a fair chance. All we want to do is to have children but it seems like a dream that is getting harder as we go along.
I got the call a few minutes ago. I turned my physical paperwork in last week. I was honest as requested. I was told that the state of California did not allow the agency to discriminate against potential foster parents for documented physical or mental illnesses. They must determine that the child will have an environment that is stabile, safe, fosters growth and improvement for the child in a caring environment. I was certain that would not be an issue and that they would see that once they talked to me. I was scared but reassured that I would have the opportunity to go over everything with the Social workers during the Home Study Process. I had already begun gathering extra references in case they were needed.
Today they told me that they had discussed my physical with the Adoption Social Worker and the Director of the Agency and they had decided because my prognosis was "Fair" that they were not the best fit for us. Then they said they were sorry and asked if I had any questions. At first I was in shock so I said no I understood, because I did. I knew they took a look at some of the things written but not all of them. I tried to call back after a few minutes but had to leave a VM. I asked if it made any difference that every Doctor I have vouched for me saying they believed I would be a wonderful foster parent and adoptive parent. Every person I have ever Nannied for would also vouch for me if I was able to get in touch with them I am certain. The few I did reach already had agreed. I just feel I was not really given a fair chance. All we want to do is to have children but it seems like a dream that is getting harder as we go along.