Even when you wish it would not. I am updating here because I have to. I should have followed peoples advice and waited to tell anyone. I had hoped that by telling people it would have to all work out. I was just wrong. I feel stupid, mad, ashamed, embarrassed, depressed, upset and on top of it all I just want to feel numb.
I lost the baby and had to have a stupid test tell me. I am still having all the symptoms of being pregnant but the baby.. well its gone. The placenta is still there and thats why Im still having the symptoms. I have to wait for nature to finish what it started. I hate it all. I don't want it to be true. I thought I was further along this time and that it would be ok but its just not. Im sorry to anyone who got their hopes up along with mine. I have tried to figure out just what I did wrong. The doctor said i didn't do anything wrong but i still have to wonder.
Now I have to have some more tests to make sure my uterus is actually ok. They have to put dye into it and exray it but we have to wait until my next period to prevent infection. My doctor is really nice. She has been through this too and I guess that helps more. I really just want to wake up from this nightmare and still be pregnant and still be preparing for my baby. I am taking some time off work and I do not even know what to say to anyone. I want to scream and cry and break stuff. Instead I am just sitting in my room trying to sleep. I needed to put this here because you should know. I dont want to tell people individually. Its a bit of a copout. It was bad enough telling Tom. He was so happy about the baby and so was i and now its all gone.
I had to get a shot of Rhogam because Im O- and Tom is A+ to protect the future babies. RH factor is important because with out this shot my body decided this baby was a foreign object that had to go. So if you are - and your partner is + ask if you need this shot.
Hugs, Johanna
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Friday, March 25, 2011
I am so behind in my work and my home stuff!
The weekend I found out I was pregnant (last Friday) I got a horrible cold (again). I am still feeling the end of it a week later. I do not know about any of yall but when I get a bad cold I am just exhausted. I can't breath and I can't do a whole lot at a time without feeling like I'm going to fall over. Coughing makes me see stars and get dizzy. So that added on top of all the rest leads me to still way behind. I am really starting to feel like I will never catch up. My room still needs the trim done. I still have to put up the book shelves. I still have a SAL/KAL to get out (its already late). I have a few custom orders that are taking an abnormally long amount of time because of issues I ran into and just being too tired to start them again.
I was getting really down last week (I think being sick just tends to do that anyway) and was thinking along the lines of just closing my business. Yep I go all gloom and doom at times. Then out of the blue I got several "Hope you feel better" cards from people in my Ravelry group who are just super sweet and really did boost my spirits. The people online are just so supportive that to really quit would be just wrong in my opinion. I have realized though that I will need to rethink my work ethics and schedule.
I tend to go full steam ahead most times. I also tend to have about a million things to do all at once. I think this might also lead to running behind and not feeling like things ever get completed. I have to take it easy for a bit while I am pregnant. I do not want to risk losing my baby because I got hard headed and could not tone it down. I have to figure out what that really means though. I am putting off April's SAL/KAL until May or June when I am feeling more in control. I am going to get my room finished with Tom's help. I am going to finish organizing my work space (that also never really seems finished). I really want to put more in the shop for people who want to just browse and buy. I realized I have quite a few yarns but only a few batts right now. I must fix that.
All in all I am feeling better. I feel guilty though at all of the commitments that are still dangling. I plan on taking care of those this month also. On a super positive one of my life goals has been accomplished. I wanted to be pregnant by 32 and we did it!
I was getting really down last week (I think being sick just tends to do that anyway) and was thinking along the lines of just closing my business. Yep I go all gloom and doom at times. Then out of the blue I got several "Hope you feel better" cards from people in my Ravelry group who are just super sweet and really did boost my spirits. The people online are just so supportive that to really quit would be just wrong in my opinion. I have realized though that I will need to rethink my work ethics and schedule.
I tend to go full steam ahead most times. I also tend to have about a million things to do all at once. I think this might also lead to running behind and not feeling like things ever get completed. I have to take it easy for a bit while I am pregnant. I do not want to risk losing my baby because I got hard headed and could not tone it down. I have to figure out what that really means though. I am putting off April's SAL/KAL until May or June when I am feeling more in control. I am going to get my room finished with Tom's help. I am going to finish organizing my work space (that also never really seems finished). I really want to put more in the shop for people who want to just browse and buy. I realized I have quite a few yarns but only a few batts right now. I must fix that.
All in all I am feeling better. I feel guilty though at all of the commitments that are still dangling. I plan on taking care of those this month also. On a super positive one of my life goals has been accomplished. I wanted to be pregnant by 32 and we did it!
Saturday, March 19, 2011
We got 2 pink lines and the doctor visit
I went to the dr on thursday and told her about the pain I have been having and the bleeding. I told her that my pregnancy tests have all been negative and we discussed my options. She did a pelvic exam, ran a bunch of tests and scheduled an ultrasound on tuesday to try to figure out whats wrong. I have to wait to see what is going on there. I got put on 2 different antibiotics, 1 that should not be taken if pregnant but I thought I was not and since i told the dr that they did not do a pregnancy test. We also talked about my options to get pregnant in the future. The doctor felt we should skip the rest of this month and get my issues fixed first. She also prescribed clomid for next month and told to use an ovulation kit.
I did take the antibiotics that day but all night long I was thinking about that the antibiotics that should not be taken if pregnant. I woke up and asked Tom what he thought about it. We decided I should just take a pregnancy test to ease my mind. (its not like I dont keep them on hand) So I took one and I did not even wait the 3 minutes before glancing over at it. I have to say I looked at it and sort of shook my head and looked again. Nope still 2 pink lines. I told Tom you are not going to believe this but there are 2 pink lines, what does that mean? He went from sleeping to wide eyed and grinning in about 2 seconds flat. I called my dr's office but she is out of town until Monday. They told me to wait a few days and take another test then call back on Monday.
I do not think anyone else could wait a few days either so we went to the health department. Before you know it I had a positive test there too. We asked if there could be any mistake and she said that in all the time she had been there a positive test was positive. She said sometimes there will be a false negative and that is what she thinks we may have been getting. She had to go off of the last menstrual cycle to give me an expected due date of Dec 8, 2011 but she said that the tests usually will not give a positive result unless you are 4-5 weeks along. She said we would probably be due sooner but no way to know for sure until the ultrasound.
We are overjoyed and excited. I know that we should be cautious still but there is just no way that I can be. I feel like my prayers have been answered and now I have to do everything that I can to have a healthy baby. I think from here on out my blog will have 2 parts, my wool/yarn business and my baby/family stuff. I will figure out a way to make sure yall know which one you may be looking at so you get the information that you really want *grin* I say that like there are people out there just hanging on every word I write. I have a high opinion of myself I guess. Really though putting my thoughts out here in my blog helps me to process the things going on in my life.
Lately I have been so discouraged and sick that I have had 2nd and even 3rd thoughts about keeping my business going. I was really starting to feel that I was just doing everything wrong. Thankfully I have some wonderful people that I talk to in my Ravelry group, my Inspineration group, and my Phatfiber group that I belong to. Everyone there has just been so supportive to me that I know that once I get caught up it will be ok. My husband is even helping me catch up so that is wonderful too. We are doing much better and I am emotionally doing much better. Thank you all for everything. *hugs*
I did take the antibiotics that day but all night long I was thinking about that the antibiotics that should not be taken if pregnant. I woke up and asked Tom what he thought about it. We decided I should just take a pregnancy test to ease my mind. (its not like I dont keep them on hand) So I took one and I did not even wait the 3 minutes before glancing over at it. I have to say I looked at it and sort of shook my head and looked again. Nope still 2 pink lines. I told Tom you are not going to believe this but there are 2 pink lines, what does that mean? He went from sleeping to wide eyed and grinning in about 2 seconds flat. I called my dr's office but she is out of town until Monday. They told me to wait a few days and take another test then call back on Monday.
I do not think anyone else could wait a few days either so we went to the health department. Before you know it I had a positive test there too. We asked if there could be any mistake and she said that in all the time she had been there a positive test was positive. She said sometimes there will be a false negative and that is what she thinks we may have been getting. She had to go off of the last menstrual cycle to give me an expected due date of Dec 8, 2011 but she said that the tests usually will not give a positive result unless you are 4-5 weeks along. She said we would probably be due sooner but no way to know for sure until the ultrasound.
We are overjoyed and excited. I know that we should be cautious still but there is just no way that I can be. I feel like my prayers have been answered and now I have to do everything that I can to have a healthy baby. I think from here on out my blog will have 2 parts, my wool/yarn business and my baby/family stuff. I will figure out a way to make sure yall know which one you may be looking at so you get the information that you really want *grin* I say that like there are people out there just hanging on every word I write. I have a high opinion of myself I guess. Really though putting my thoughts out here in my blog helps me to process the things going on in my life.
Lately I have been so discouraged and sick that I have had 2nd and even 3rd thoughts about keeping my business going. I was really starting to feel that I was just doing everything wrong. Thankfully I have some wonderful people that I talk to in my Ravelry group, my Inspineration group, and my Phatfiber group that I belong to. Everyone there has just been so supportive to me that I know that once I get caught up it will be ok. My husband is even helping me catch up so that is wonderful too. We are doing much better and I am emotionally doing much better. Thank you all for everything. *hugs*
Monday, March 14, 2011
Another workspace update
Thats right 2 blogs in one day! This one is geared towards the wool and yarn side of life. I think I mentioned a while back that I built a big wooden box bed for my room so that I could store things in it? If not I should do that now *grin*. My friend Wanda helped me build it a few weeks ago. It was outside in the pole barn but when all the storms started happening we had to move it into my workspace. Well we finally had some guys around at the same time and they moved it into the bedroom yesterday. This is great news!
This means my workspace is now open to my use again with out having to bang around the big bed. This is also good because I am currently so far behind in my work I am not sure if I will ever catch up. Ok that was possibly me being overly dramatic. My husband decided to switch jobs so he is home this week to help me catch up. He is going to start working just down the road at a bee company. Very nice people there. He will have a set daytime schedule and if he is required to work on Saturdays it will mean overtime. He is very happy about that. His other job had too many last minute schedule changes and they were not fun for any of us.
With Tom helping me I believe I will actually get everything I need done so that it can all ship out by Friday. This is shipping out late but thankfully everyone I have things going out to is very understanding. I will see if I can post some teaser photos of some of the things going out later this week. One of my orders that will be leaving sooner is for fleegle. Her anniversary is just after mine this month and I got to once again make her some surprise batts to spin up. These are all pretty fun but I can not give away anything just yet for those. Please check out her blog though to see some of the really cool things she spins up and knits. Her latest Percy Shawl was made from 2 of the batts that I made for her. It is simply amazing that something I made ended up like that. I really do not even have the words to describe how truly cool fleegle is so yall check her out.
This means my workspace is now open to my use again with out having to bang around the big bed. This is also good because I am currently so far behind in my work I am not sure if I will ever catch up. Ok that was possibly me being overly dramatic. My husband decided to switch jobs so he is home this week to help me catch up. He is going to start working just down the road at a bee company. Very nice people there. He will have a set daytime schedule and if he is required to work on Saturdays it will mean overtime. He is very happy about that. His other job had too many last minute schedule changes and they were not fun for any of us.
With Tom helping me I believe I will actually get everything I need done so that it can all ship out by Friday. This is shipping out late but thankfully everyone I have things going out to is very understanding. I will see if I can post some teaser photos of some of the things going out later this week. One of my orders that will be leaving sooner is for fleegle. Her anniversary is just after mine this month and I got to once again make her some surprise batts to spin up. These are all pretty fun but I can not give away anything just yet for those. Please check out her blog though to see some of the really cool things she spins up and knits. Her latest Percy Shawl was made from 2 of the batts that I made for her. It is simply amazing that something I made ended up like that. I really do not even have the words to describe how truly cool fleegle is so yall check her out.
Clomid / TTC update (non wool post)
Here is another Clomid / TTC update and this one will be a bit graphic/gross so please do not read if this bothers you.
This is not a happy post so be warned a second time. I have been having bleeding for the past 3 days now. I read that breakthrough bleeding is normal but that it was more like spotting. Its like my period restarted again. I have also been having cramping/pain. I am finding myself very upset and depressed because i do not know what is wrong. I have a doctors appointment on the 22nd so hopefully we will see what is happening. I am finding myself a bit scared also. There really is no polite way to say this so I will just spit it out. We have been attempting to have sex daily in order to conceive though some days I am feeling to sore in my uterus / low abdomen area to do that. We tried last night and I had to ask my husband to stop because it was just to painful. This is not something that has ever happened to us or me before. I am not sure what could cause that level of pain in that area so I am hoping the doctor can help me figure it out.
I am finding it really hard to be motivated to do anything at all. A few days ago I ended up drinking too much at a party. I know I should be avoiding alcohol but the tests still say negative and honestly I wanted to feel better. Instead I ended up crying too much and getting sick. This is how down I have been feeling. I hoped that if I drank my body would relax enough to have sex with out pain. It didn't happen so it was all just a waste. I am sorry if this blog is less encouraging than others. I hope to post something happy about TTC soon. I also hope that someone may read this who has been through similar and post something happy. We all have hopes. I need some motivation. Then again in a few days maybe I will be all better and then just look this blog over as a reference. I met someone the other day who got pregnant on her 6 month of Clomid so I have to figure out how to keep doing this without getting so discouraged I just give up.
I also figured I would add in that I have sprained my ankle. I went outside a few days ago and stepped wrong over 3 kittens. I was trying to be careful and my foot slid in the gravel. I crashed down on my ankle and my knee. I have spent the past few days icing it and keeping it elevated. That may also be contributing to my funk in general. *hugs*
This is not a happy post so be warned a second time. I have been having bleeding for the past 3 days now. I read that breakthrough bleeding is normal but that it was more like spotting. Its like my period restarted again. I have also been having cramping/pain. I am finding myself very upset and depressed because i do not know what is wrong. I have a doctors appointment on the 22nd so hopefully we will see what is happening. I am finding myself a bit scared also. There really is no polite way to say this so I will just spit it out. We have been attempting to have sex daily in order to conceive though some days I am feeling to sore in my uterus / low abdomen area to do that. We tried last night and I had to ask my husband to stop because it was just to painful. This is not something that has ever happened to us or me before. I am not sure what could cause that level of pain in that area so I am hoping the doctor can help me figure it out.
I am finding it really hard to be motivated to do anything at all. A few days ago I ended up drinking too much at a party. I know I should be avoiding alcohol but the tests still say negative and honestly I wanted to feel better. Instead I ended up crying too much and getting sick. This is how down I have been feeling. I hoped that if I drank my body would relax enough to have sex with out pain. It didn't happen so it was all just a waste. I am sorry if this blog is less encouraging than others. I hope to post something happy about TTC soon. I also hope that someone may read this who has been through similar and post something happy. We all have hopes. I need some motivation. Then again in a few days maybe I will be all better and then just look this blog over as a reference. I met someone the other day who got pregnant on her 6 month of Clomid so I have to figure out how to keep doing this without getting so discouraged I just give up.
I also figured I would add in that I have sprained my ankle. I went outside a few days ago and stepped wrong over 3 kittens. I was trying to be careful and my foot slid in the gravel. I crashed down on my ankle and my knee. I have spent the past few days icing it and keeping it elevated. That may also be contributing to my funk in general. *hugs*
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Day 5 Clomid + the next 2 days (a TTC blog not wooly)
Day 5 on Clomid was pretty uneventful and it followed the pattern of the other days. Still felt bloated, and crampy but basically fine. If I thought I was moody on clomid I think going off clomid just may be worse. My moods are still all over the place. I think my body is really confused on what time of the month it is. The clomid is attempting to make me ovulate before I normally do I think. I think by day 5 my body was getting used to the hormones so the sudden stop of them just may have angered it. Either way I have been all pissy all day long. I really just feel mad for no real apparent reason. the joys of planned parenthood...
I also really need to vent for a minute. I know that people mean well but seriously if one more person tells me that I just have to relax and it will happen I just may explode. Everyone says it with a smile and they really mean well by it. They also usually have at least a few of their own kids. Its like I should be following in their footsteps.. but they had their kids at least 8 years ago and I think that if I had done that I would have had an easier time with it too. Do people really think that if you just relax that a magical path opens up that takes the sperm directly to the ovum in a sparkling bright shiny light? Also if they do in fact believe this do they also think that the princess and the prince really do live happily ever after with no disagreements or disgusting bodily functions?
I mean come on I think we all know the way the story really goes. They live happily ever after all the way through the honey moon if they are lucky. At this point Prince Charming realizes that Sleeping Beauty snores loudly and needs a poke to turn her on the side. Sleeping Beauty also starts to get tired of Prince Charming leaving his shoes in the middle of the floor so that she trips on them in the middle of the night. Im not saying these are reasons that will cause them to get their own castles but at some point in the story they have to realize chemistry only goes so far and they actually have to work on making it last.
So I am living my dream here with my husband but at times it does feel a bit like a nightmare. Thankfully he is still here working with me to slay the beasts of dr apointments and late orders while still working on keeping the romance alive. I think happily ever after is really when you cuddle up in bed at the end of the day and just fall asleep holding each other or waking up grumpy while your partner tells you how beautiful you look first thing in the morning. You may not appreciate it at that moment but later on in the day it will surely make him smile. Love to you all!
I also really need to vent for a minute. I know that people mean well but seriously if one more person tells me that I just have to relax and it will happen I just may explode. Everyone says it with a smile and they really mean well by it. They also usually have at least a few of their own kids. Its like I should be following in their footsteps.. but they had their kids at least 8 years ago and I think that if I had done that I would have had an easier time with it too. Do people really think that if you just relax that a magical path opens up that takes the sperm directly to the ovum in a sparkling bright shiny light? Also if they do in fact believe this do they also think that the princess and the prince really do live happily ever after with no disagreements or disgusting bodily functions?
I mean come on I think we all know the way the story really goes. They live happily ever after all the way through the honey moon if they are lucky. At this point Prince Charming realizes that Sleeping Beauty snores loudly and needs a poke to turn her on the side. Sleeping Beauty also starts to get tired of Prince Charming leaving his shoes in the middle of the floor so that she trips on them in the middle of the night. Im not saying these are reasons that will cause them to get their own castles but at some point in the story they have to realize chemistry only goes so far and they actually have to work on making it last.
So I am living my dream here with my husband but at times it does feel a bit like a nightmare. Thankfully he is still here working with me to slay the beasts of dr apointments and late orders while still working on keeping the romance alive. I think happily ever after is really when you cuddle up in bed at the end of the day and just fall asleep holding each other or waking up grumpy while your partner tells you how beautiful you look first thing in the morning. You may not appreciate it at that moment but later on in the day it will surely make him smile. Love to you all!
Monday, March 7, 2011
My new (to me) Incredible Sweater Machine
I got a Bond Incredible Sweater Machine in the mail today. I think it is the older model of this one:
Its pretty cool. I have no idea how to use it but it was free! All the person who sent it did was ask for shipping for it. How awesome is that? She had gotten a newer/better model or something like that. I am pretty psyched about it because I have been wanting to try a line of sock blanks for those who like to knit 2 at the same time socks with self striping. This will let me figure out if I actually like doing this sort of thing so it will be great!
I wanted to share this quick little update with yall as I really do need to take my butt back out to the garage and get some more work done! I was so sick that everything is about 1-2 weeks behind so that means I gotta work smarter to get it all finished as soon as possible. I wont rush anything because that just messes it all up. Thankfully I keep people in the loop as much as I am able and everyone knows that they will get there stuff about a week late. I will finish them in order of priority. I have it all in my head.. I should really put it all on paper!
Its pretty cool. I have no idea how to use it but it was free! All the person who sent it did was ask for shipping for it. How awesome is that? She had gotten a newer/better model or something like that. I am pretty psyched about it because I have been wanting to try a line of sock blanks for those who like to knit 2 at the same time socks with self striping. This will let me figure out if I actually like doing this sort of thing so it will be great!
I wanted to share this quick little update with yall as I really do need to take my butt back out to the garage and get some more work done! I was so sick that everything is about 1-2 weeks behind so that means I gotta work smarter to get it all finished as soon as possible. I wont rush anything because that just messes it all up. Thankfully I keep people in the loop as much as I am able and everyone knows that they will get there stuff about a week late. I will finish them in order of priority. I have it all in my head.. I should really put it all on paper!